Social Life

OR

The Manners and Customs of
Polite Society

CONTAINING

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS AND
FORMING A COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-CULTURE
IN CONVERSATION, DRESS, DEPORTMENT,
CORRESPONDENCE, THE CARE OF
CHILDREN AND THE HOME.

BY

MAUD C. COOKE,
The Well-known and Popular Author.

EMBELLISHED WITH COLORED PHOTOTYPES.

BUFFALO, N.Y.
The Matthews-Northrup Co.

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1896, by
J. R. JONES,
In the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D.C.
All Rights Reserved.

PREFACE.

HERE is much truth and force in the old saying, that "Manners make the man." All persons should know how to appear to the best advantage in polite society. This very attractive volume furnishes rules of etiquette for all occasions, and is a complete guide for daily use in all matters pertaining to social intercourse.

The first department treats of Introductions and Salutations. The rules given under this head are those constantly observed in the best society. The same is equally true of all the instructions throughout the book, which is the most complete work on this subject ever issued.

The next department treats of the very important Art of Conversation. It has been said, with truth, that "a good talker is always a social success." The reader is here taught how to converse agreeably and with ease. To be a bright, witty, interesting talker, is a most charming accomplishment. This volume is a help in this respect, the value of which cannot be overestimated.

Visiting Cards and Customs are next treated, and all the perplexing questions which they occasion are fully answered. With this very comprehensive volume at hand, no person will be guilty of blunders and humiliating mistakes.

Miscellaneous Entertainments form a department that is bright and-iv- sparkling. The dark side of life is not overlooked, Etiquette of Funerals forming a separate topic. How the young lady should "come out" is stated in full, with invaluable instructions to her parents and herself.

The Art of Dress receives exhaustive treatment, and the rules to be observed by those who would dress tastefully are very complete. They who are well dressed have already made a favorable impression upon others. Suggestions and rules upon this subject are important to all who would shine in social life.

Letter-Writing makes constant demands upon nearly all persons, yet its difficulties are perplexing. Here are plain directions upon this subject, which should be studied and followed by all who would succeed in the great art of elegant correspondence. It is essential often to have the best Forms for Letters, happily expressed, choice in the use of words and easy and correct in grammatical construction.

Artistic Home Decorations are fully treated, showing how to have a pretty, tasteful and inviting home at least expense. This subject is receiving great attention everywhere, and this delightful volume should be in every household in the land, as it furnishes just the information needed. Fireplaces and Windows, Stairways, Woodwork, Doors, Lighting, Decorating, Furniture and Paintings, are among the topics treated in this part of the volume.

In short, this work is a treasury of rules and information on every subject of Social Etiquette, Self-Culture and Home Life.

An entirely new and very important feature is the beautiful Phototype Engravings in rich colors. The publishers consider themselves fortunate in being able to present these new and admirable embellishments, which have been pronounced gems of art.

CONTENTS.

The Essence of Etiquette.

THE old chronicler says, "Manners maketh man." "Manners are not the character, but they are the dress of character," adds a modern writer. Manners are not the pure gold of the mind, but they set the mint stamp upon the crude ore and fit it for circulation, and few there be who may dare to set aside their valuation. To genius only is this privilege granted, and genius is exceeding rare.

It should be remembered that more people can give the list of Dr. Samuel Johnson's sins against good manners than can quote from his "Rasselas" and "Rambler," while there will always be more who can descant upon the selfish, tyrannical ill-breeding of Thomas Carlyle than can estimate the value and immensity of his literary labors.

The essence of all etiquette will be found in that Golden Rule from Holy Writ that enjoins upon us to "do unto others as we would that they should do unto us," and whereon Lord Chesterfield based his maxim for the cultivation of manners:

"Observe carefully what pleases or displeases you in others, and be persuaded that, in general, the same things will please or displease them in you."

The social code, even in its smallest particulars, is the outgrowth of a kindly regard for the feelings of others, even in the little things of life, and a kindly sympathy for all that interests your companions.-18-

"Be hospitable toward the ideas of others," says Dr. George Ripley. "Some people," he asserts, "only half listen to you, because they are considering, even while you speak, with what wealth of wit they will reply." Such people may be brilliant, but they can never be agreeable. You feel that they are impatient to have their own turn come, and have none of the gentle receptiveness so pleasing to our own ego that rebels against their egotism.

Our first impressions of a man are impressions of his manners. We designate him from the first glimpse of his face, first sound of his voice, as an affable, agreeable and sincere individual; or as crabbed, cross-grained and suspicious in his temperament, and are attracted by, or repelled from him, according to the characteristics with which his manners have clothed him.

The Influence of Good Manners.

So potent is this power exercised over the world by the gentle sway of manners that their possession is worthy the cultivation and care we put forth for the attainment of all gracious, pleasant things, and to their possessor is given the key to which all doors open.

Emerson was one of the most acute observers of manners that culture has ever produced, and he wrote: "The longer I live the more I am impressed with the importance of manners. When we reflect upon their persuasive and cheering force, how they recommend, prepare and draw people together; when we think what keys they are, and to what secrets; what high and inspiring character they convey and what divination is required of us for the reading of this fine telegraphy, we see what range the subject has."

Manners, with some, are the gracious legacy of inheritance, education, and environment; with others they are the growth of the careful-19- cultivation of years, and carry with them the calm self-poise of the man who has conquered circumstances and established his own position. In such as these there inheres a certain power that impresses itself upon all who come in contact with its influence.

The self-possession and certainty stamped upon the face of a man who inherited, or won for himself, the sure and perfect armor of good-breeding, is but the outer stamp of the man himself.

Manners are profitable as well as pleasant. They carry with them a measureless weight of influence. A gentleman once brought into his library a costly subscription book. "My dear," said his wife, "you already had a copy of that work." "I knew I did," he replied, "but the manners of the lad who sold it were so elegant that it was a pleasure to purchase it."

The charm of good manners is not a qualification belonging to any particular station in life, for, to the poor and unlettered oftimes may be traced deeds and actions that mark them as nature's noblemen. Education, wealth and social station do not always confer them, but the outer grace may be acquired by all.

In this way it has come to be known that a refinement of laws in any country indicates that a gradual refinement of manners has led up towards, and finally crystallized into a refinement of the hearts and the laws of the people.

The Marks of True Politeness.

True politeness is always known by its lack of assumption. President Tyler, in advising his daughter-in-law previous to her taking her position as lady of the White House, used these noteworthy words: "It is, I trust, scarcely necessary to say that, as upon you will devolve the duty of presiding at the White House, you should be equal and untiring in your affabilities to all. You should remember that nothing shows a little soul so much as the exhibition of airs or assumptions under any circumstances."

The minor observances have much to do with the polishing and perfecting of the manners of men. These little things that mark one-20- as being "to the manor born" are not the growth of moments but the slow accretions of years; neither can their use be dropped in the privacy of home to be assumed at pleasure for the outside world to admire, else they will fit but illy, as borrowed plumes are wont to do.

The best-intentioned and best-hearted people that the world has ever known are too often careless in the slight observances that mean so much to the cultivated. Thoreau says, "I could better eat with one who did not respect the truth or the laws than with a sloven and unpresentable person. Moral qualities rule the world, but at short range the senses are despotic."

"The code of society is just a little stronger with some individuals than the code of Sinai, and many a man who would not scruple to put his fingers in your pocket, would forego peas rather than use his knife as a shovel."

The Great Value of Courtesy.

"Be courteous," is an apostolic command that too many earthly followers of the Twelve would do well to consider. They are just, they are truthful, sometimes aggressively so; they are conscientious, they weary not in well-doing, but—they are not courteous. They are not good mannered, and by so much as they sin in this regard do they lose their power to win.

"Good manners," says one, "are more serviceable than a passport, than a bank account, than a lineage. They make friends for us; they are more potent than eloquence or genius without them." They add to beauty, they detract from personal ugliness, they cast a glamour over defects, in short, they work the miracle of mind over matter exemplified in the case of the extremely plain Madame de Staël, who was reputed to "talk herself beautiful in five minutes."

They teach us the beauty of self-sacrifice, they constrain us to listen, with an appearance of interest to a twice-told tale, they teach the wife to smile over the somewhat worn jest of the husband, as she smiled in like fashion in the days of auld lang syne, or, harder still, they enjoin upon us to follow the Duc de Morny's definition of a polite man, as-21- "one who listens with interest to things he knows all about, when they are told by a person who knows nothing about them."

They impress upon us to guard the feelings of others, they warn us to avoid the familiarity that breeds contempt, and, above all, they are contagious!

There is much to be said as to the true definition of those beautiful but abused terms, lady and gentleman, each with its strong, sweet meaning.

"A lady is one who, to inbred modesty and refinement, adds a scrupulous attention to the rights and feelings of others, and applies the Golden Rule of doing as she would be done by, to all who are connected with her, both at home and in society."

While a gentleman has been described as: "Whoever is true, loyal and candid; whoever possesses a pleasing, affable, demeanor; whoever is honorable in himself and in his judgment of others and requires no law but his word to make him fulfil all engagements."

Such men and such women are "ladies" and "gentlemen" whether they are found in the peasant's hut or the prince's palace.

Rules of Etiquette.

The following rules, published some time ago as a receipt for that beauty of expression so much more lasting and attractive than mere beauty of feature, were written originally for the guidance of woman, but they are equally applicable to the needs of man.

"2. Guard your temper, especially in seasons of ill-health, irritation, and trouble, and soften it by a sense of your own shortcomings and errors.

"4. Remember that, valuable as is the gift of speech, silence is often more valuable.

"5. Do not expect too much from others, but forbear and forgive, as you desire forbearance and forgiveness yourself.

"6. Never retort a sharp or angry word. It is the second word that makes the quarrel.-22-

"10. Study the characters of those with whom you come in contact, and sympathize with them in all their troubles, however small.

"11. Do not neglect little things if they can affect the comfort of others in the smallest degree.

Courtesy, charity and love are one, and, when all good deeds are done the warning comes: "If ye have not charity" all is naught. Therefore:

Do ye all things courteously, founding precept and practice upon that old rule, the Golden Rule, which is the Alpha and the Omega of all good manners and the very Essence of all Etiquette.

INDISCRIMINATE introductions are always in bad taste, yet, since the sweetest of our friendships are wont to reach us through the medium of a formal presentation, it is well that we understand how, when and where these introductions should properly take place.

As a rule, introductions, to be agreeable, should be desired before being given; and since we are, or should be, in a measure, the endorsers of those whom we present to our friends, a due degree of care should be exercised in so doing, lest inadvertently we force upon another what may prove an undesirable acquaintance.

Introductions are given in cases of necessity, such as business transactions, or emergencies that may arise in traveling, as when we wish to consign some friend to the care of another. They are given at balls, that partners may be found for all the dancers. Here, however, care must be taken beforehand to ascertain if the parties will dance, for such is the selfishness and, shall it be said, ill-breeding of our society young men that not unfrequently they will walk away without even offering the lady the courtesy of the next dance. In this way her hostess unwittingly exposes her to a marked slight, since the ball-room introduction is supposed to mean an intention on the part of the gentleman to show some attention to the lady, with whom he should either dance, promenade, or talk through one set.-24-

Neither are young ladies quite guiltless in this respect, since it often happens that they refuse partners from simple caprice, and no gentleman likes to be refused, even for a quadrille. It may be added that these introductions necessitate no after acknowledgments on either side unless mutually agreeable.

Introductions are given at card parties when necessary to fill out tables for a game and they occur also where one person especially wishes another to become acquainted with a friend.

An English Custom.

Strangers are always introduced to visitors, and at dinners, if previously unacquainted, the gentleman is introduced, a few minutes beforehand, to the lady he is to take out to the table. In England, however, where they exercise great care in giving introductions, even this formality is not always complied with. Richard Grant White speaks of being informed at the last moment, in some house whose owner boasted many titles, that he was to take down "the lady in pink over there in the bay window," to whom, therefore, he duly went, and, bending an inviting elbow, said in his most persuasive tones: "May I have the pleasure?" The proffered honor was accepted, and he and the lady, each equally ignorant as to the other's identity, went out to spend a long two hours in entertaining one another.

The one redeeming feature of this English custom is that everyone, at private entertainments, talks to everyone else without an introduction, considering that the fact of them being guests under the same roof is a species of endorsement for all, and, better still, this sociability carries with it no after obligations, because, since they are not introduced, they are not acquainted. In this country, owing probably to the unfortunate frequency of introductions among us, a certain chill pervades the atmosphere when a portion of the guests are unacquainted with one another, for, as a rule, no one here attempts to converse without having been properly presented.

In metropolitan circles, however, this is not so much the case, and-25- as our country glows older it is to be hoped that "a change will come o'er the spirit of our dream" in this respect, thus lessening the present responsibility of our hostesses, who, torn between two opposing factions, feel that "If I introduce Mrs. So-and-so to Mrs. Blank she will never forgive me, and if I do not introduce Mrs. Blank to Mrs. So-and-so I shall have made a mortal enemy."

At a party given in behalf of a débutante she is to be introduced to every lady present, and every gentleman is to be presented to her. In case there should be a distinguished guest present at any entertainment, all other guests must be made acquainted with the favored one.

You May Introduce Yourself.

There are also times when it is eminently proper to introduce one's self, such as when you find upon entering a drawing room that the hostess has forgotten your name; or if it should have been wrongly announced; or if you are an entire stranger to the hostess, it is not only proper, but imperative, to introduce yourself at once. Then, too, it occasionally happens that a gentleman, wishing to render some assistance to a lady who is traveling alone, prefers to introduce himself beforehand. This, of course, leaves the lady perfectly free to recognize him or not at any future time. Occasions such as these are constantly arising, and tact and judgment must be used to decide the question for one's self.

Watering-place introductions are frequently given for the convenience and pleasure of the time being. They are usually made by the eldest lady of either party and further recognition in the future is optional.

Do not introduce people in public places. Do not, even if a friend should overtake you and walk by your side for some distance, or should meet and talk with you, introduce him to another friend with whom you are also walking. You may do it, however, in exceptional cases. Do not, as a rule, introduce two people who are inhabitants of the same town; it is to be supposed that they could have known one another had they cared so to do. Still, it is well to exercise-26- judgment in this one particular, since what could be done unquestioned in a city parlor cannot always be accomplished without exciting comment and ill-feeling in a country town.

Do not introduce gentlemen to ladies without first being sure that the acquaintance will be agreeable to the lady, since it is much more difficult for a lady to shake off an undesirable acquaintance than it is for a gentleman. In the case of foreigners it is always well to be careful before introducing them to young ladies at their own request, since it often happens that foreign titles, found upon this side the water, are extremely dubious. Hence one is clearly justified in referring them to her parents or guardians for the required favor.

A Custom Out of Date.

Introductions at evening parties are, fortunately, very much out of date, except it is for partners in dancing, or unless there should be so many strangers present as to threaten overwhelming the entire party in speechless gloom. Occasionally in the country some old-fashioned hosts persist in handing each newcomer around the room like refreshments for an introduction to each one present. This custom puts the later arrivals in the position, as some one says, "of making a semi-circular bow like a concert singer before an audience," and this, to non-professionals, is not a little embarrassing.

Timid people, and people unaccustomed to the rules of social etiquette, always feel a certain dread in going through the slight formality of an introduction. Nothing, however, if one remembers a few timely hints, can be simpler than this little ceremony so necessary for each of us to perform many times in our intercourse with others. Recollect always to introduce the gentleman to the lady, never the lady to the gentleman, except in the case of very exalted rank, extreme age or the possession of great eminence in intellectual or artistic life; otherwise, the rule is inflexible save in introducing a youthful "rosebud" formally to an elderly gentleman, in which case you would present her to him. The chivalry of etiquette assumes that a man is always honored by presentation to a lady.-27-

In introducing ladies, present the younger to the elder, unless in case of some marked exception such as those given above.

The simplest form in presenting one person to another is always the best. A wife presents her husband as "Mr. North," "Colonel North," or "Doctor North," always giving him his rightful titles. The wife of the President should introduce him as "The President," while we should address him as "Mr. President."

In introducing a gentleman to a lady one should say, "Mrs. A., allow (or permit) me to introduce (or present) Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mrs. A.," being sure that the names are distinctly pronounced. If this should not be the case, let the parties themselves ask it at once, a simple "I beg pardon, I did not understand the name," saving much future annoyance.

Forms of Introduction.

In introducing two ladies the same formula may be used, as: "Mrs. Y., allow me to introduce Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." Or one may say: "Mrs. Y., this is my friend Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." A still further variation is to say "Mrs. Y., I believe you have never met Mrs. Z.; Mrs. Z., Mrs. Y." In introducing two gentlemen any of the above forms may be used. If the introduction is given simply for business purposes it should be short and concise, as: Mr. A., Mr. B.; Mr. B., Mr. A.

In introducing a stranger it will always be well to make some little explanatory remark that may be used as a stepping-stone toward beginning a conversation, thus "Miss S., allow me to present Mr. T., who is just back from Africa," or, "Miss E., this is my friend Mr. F., the composer of that little song you sang just now." Any remark like this always serves to make the opening of the conversation easier.

An introduction received, or solicited, simply for your own convenience, as a business recommendation, or otherwise, entitles you to no after benefits, or social recognition.

Where there are several waiting for an introduction to the same individual, name the latter first, then in succession name the others,-28- bowing slightly, as each name is pronounced, in the direction of the one named. Thus: "Colonel Parker, allow me to present to you Mrs. Roe, Miss Doe, and Doctor Brown," being sure always to give every one their full honorary title in making the introduction.

In introducing relatives be very sure to give their full name. A sister, for instance, should be introduced as, "My sister, Miss Roe;" or, "Miss Mary Roe," or, "My sister, Mrs. Doe," as the case may be, making sure always never to say "My sister Mary," or, "My brother Joe," thereby leaving the stranger ignorant as to name or estate.

A mother is always at liberty to introduce her son or daughter; a husband is supposed always to introduce his wife, and a wife her husband.

What Should Follow the Introduction.

Nowadays, the usual recognition of an introduction is by a formal bow. Handshaking rarely occurs and a gentleman introduced to a lady never offers his hand unless she should first extend her own. The inclination on the part of the lady is slight, that of the gentleman deeper. The custom of a courtesy by the lady has scarcely taken root in this country.

A hostess receiving in her own parlors is at liberty, if she should wish, to extend her hand to all comers.

A gentleman upon being introduced to a lady usually suggests that he is "Happy to make her acquaintance," or, "Delighted to make the acquaintance of Miss B——," though, if he choose, he may simply bow, repeating her name. A lady, upon introduction to a gentleman, simply bows, possibly repeating his name, but never is "happy" or "delighted" to make his acquaintance. The pleasure is supposed to be upon his part, the condescension upon her side. She should, however, upon his expression of pleasure, bow, with a slight smile, or a murmured "Thank you," in return, though, a married lady, especially if she be a little the elder, may cordially say she is "glad to meet him."-29-

It is the place of a gentleman, after an introduction to a lady, to make some remark calculated to set the conversational ball rolling, and she should endeavor to supplement his efforts sufficiently to keep up the conversation. If, however, the gentleman be younger than the lady and somewhat embarrassed, she should show sufficient tact to open the conversation herself. If the introduction is between two ladies, the one who is introduced should make the first remark.

Letters of Introduction are fully commented upon and explained in this volume in the Department on Correspondence, where the proper forms for such letters are given.

All introductions, however annoying, should be received pleasantly and acknowledged fully while under the roof where they are given, though, an hour after, the two might pass one another in speechless silence. This is for the hostess' sake, and so great is this solicitude on the part of the well-bred that mortal enemies have met and smiled across the mahogany of a mutual friend, thus preventing the utter chagrin of a hostess who discovers, by frowning faces and averted gaze, that her carefully arranged dinner is a partial failure.

A Lady’s Wishes Should be Respected.

Gentlemen rarely ask for introductions to one another, but, should a lady, for any cause, express a desire to present two men of her acquaintance to one another, they must, even if not anxious for the honor, acquiesce instantly in her request.

An introduction given between two visitors calling at the same house need not carry with it any weight unless both parties so desire. At the time, a bow is the most that is demanded; afterward, it is the individual having the most social prestige, or, if there is no difference in standing, the one having most confidence, to whom this privilege is given of acknowledging or ignoring the introduction. A bowing acquaintance with a person thus introduced cannot in the least injure the social position of an individual.

An introduction given on the street needs no after recognition. At the time, a gentleman simply lifts his hat, a lady bows, and that is all.-30-

After any introduction (except the one just mentioned) never give the cut direct save for very good cause. It is too often an uncalled-for insult.

SALUTATIONS.

The style of salutation differs among nations, but there have been none yet discovered so low in the social scale as to be entirely destitute of some sign for expressions of respect or fear between man and man. Fear is, perhaps, the origin of respect, for every form of salutation among us to-day may be traced back to a source that plainly affirms it to be the survival of some attitude of deference from the conquered to the conqueror, or some habit of adoration of an unseen Power.

In our own customs of salutation we bare the head in token of respect, never thinking that in the olden time it was an act of adoration practiced before gods and rulers. Our formal bow is simply the modification of a servile prostration, and the graceful bow of a lady of society is but the last remaining trace of a genuflection. When we rise and stand as our friends enter, or leave, our reception-room, it is an act of respect, it was once an act of homage. The throwing of a kiss is an imitation of an act of worship that devout Romans practiced before their gods, and the wave of the hand to a friend across the street is a modification of the same custom.

The removal of a gentleman's glove in shaking hands with a lady is the relic of a habit based on necessity, and dating back to a day when the knight of old removed his iron gauntlet, lest he crush the maiden's hand within its grasp. The removal of the glove was practiced between men also at a later date, when, too often, beneath the heavily embroidered gauntlet, lurked the assassin's dagger, so that to unglove before a hand-clasp grew to be considered an act of good faith.

The bow, the hand-clasp, and the kiss are the principal methods of salutation employed by the most highly civilized nations of this era of the world.-31-

The bow is the most proper salutation among friends and acquaintances meeting in public. It is also frequently resorted to on private occasions.

The bow should never degenerate into a nod; this is both ungracious and ungentlemanly. The hat should be lifted sufficiently to clear the head, and the bow, in the reception room, should slightly incline the body also. Ladies should incline their heads gracefully and smile upon their friends pleasantly, but not broadly.

Removing the Hat.

A gentleman should remove his hat from his head with the hand farthest from the person saluted. This turns the hat from instead of towards them. If you see that the person saluted is going to stop to shake hands, use the left in order to leave the right free.

A gentleman, in giving assistance to a lady in any difficulty (which should be offered immediately), should do so courteously, lifting his hat and requesting the pleasure of assisting her. This rule, unfortunately, is much more frequently observed on the Continent of Europe than in England or America.

Gentlemen meeting and passing ladies on hotel stairs, or in the corridors, should lift their hats, whether acquainted or not. The same courtesy should be observed on entering an elevator where there are one or more ladies, or in opening a door for a lady and giving her precedence in entering.

All these observances, slight as they are, mark the thorough gentleman who respects all women, whether or not there has been a formal presentation between them.

In giving up a seat to a lady in a street car, or a crowded room, a gentleman will do so with a slight bow. Such a kindness should always be acknowledged by the lady with a bow and a polite "Thank you." American women are too prone to take this altogether optional courtesy on the part of men as a matter of course, deserving no thanks at their hands, or to look upon its omission as an infringement of their rights. No true lady will ever fail to acknowledge such cour-32-tesies. Any aid given, or information furnished, should also call forth her thanks.

A gentleman walking with a lady will salute with a bow any person they may meet to whom she extends the same courtesy, even should the party be quite unknown to him.

Where two gentlemen are walking together and they chance to meet a lady with whom one is acquainted and the other not, both should bow, the one because of his acquaintance and the other out of respect.

The Privilege of Recognition.

A gentleman should usually wait for a lady to recognize him first on the street. This privilege of recognition is her prerogative. Especially is this the case if he is simply the acquaintance of a single evening's entertainment. Acquaintances of long standing, however, do not wait for such formalities, usually speaking at about the same moment.

When a gentleman and lady are walking together and another gentleman, also a friend of the lady, should meet or overtake the couple, a bow and smile and a word of greeting are all that can be permitted the newcomer, when he should at once pass on. By doing otherwise he affronts the lady's escort, and should she, by word or look, endeavor to retain him at her side, she also sins against that conventional code which argues that by her own consent she has granted her company, for the time being, to her first escort.

As before said, introductions are not to be given in public places, but should it happen that a lady walking with a gentleman meet another lady, and either pause for a few words, or else walk on beside her for a few steps, the gentleman, at her departure, should lift his hat politely in farewell.

If a gentleman should stop a lady on the street for conversation, and she should be desirous of discontinuing it, she should bow slightly, whereupon the gentleman must instantly take his leave. If she should walk on without breaking up the conversation, he is bound to accompany her.-33-

Absolute good form, however, demands that a gentleman, wishing to converse with a lady on the street, should, instead of stopping her, turn and walk with her for a short distance in the direction in which she may be going. When the conversation is finished, he should lift his hat, bow, wish her "Good morning" or "Good afternoon," as the case may be, and retrace his footsteps in the direction in which he was previously going.

Young ladies show the same deference in awaiting a bow from a woman much their senior that a gentleman does towards a lady.

A gentleman, in bowing to a lady, if he should be smoking, removes his cigar from his lips, and if, alas! his hand or hands should be in his pockets, withdraws them immediately.

Returning Salutations.

A lady's bow should always be returned by a gentleman; if he should be determined not to recognize her he should take the pains of crossing the street or in some other manner avoiding the meeting. Bows from persons not recognized at the moment should be returned, as it may be some one, not recalled at the moment, yet who has a claim upon your politeness.

If the same friend is met several times in the course of a walk or drive, the first bow is all that is required, a smile, or a glance answering all purposes of recognition at after meetings.

A gentleman lifts his hat on passing a funeral procession or a group of mourners; he removes it entirely on entering a church, and he should remove it on entering a private office; he should remain uncovered while talking to a lady at a door, unless, after the kindly custom of French ladies, she should request him to replace his hat, on account of wind or weather; in short, he should be with uncovered head much more than American men are apt to be.

Gentlemen, who are acquainted, should lift their hats slightly upon meeting one another, but should never fail to do so should either one be walking with a lady. Under such circumstances a simple nod would be a slight towards her.-34-

A recognition, by bow or smile, is not required from opposite sides of the street, or across hotel dining rooms. Gentlemen riding or driving, and having both hands occupied, are not compelled to lift the hat on bowing.

If saluted by an inferior, do not fail to return the courtesy in kind, remembering Henry Clay, who, when asked why he lifted his hat to an old colored man who had paid him the same deference, replied, "I never allow a negro to outdo me in politeness, sir."

Shaking Hands.

Gentlemen, as a rule, shake hands upon being introduced to one another. The lady of a house usually shakes hands with all guests whom she receives in her house for the first time. Gentlemen do not, however, offer to shake hands with the hostess, leaving it to her to put the stamp of cordiality upon the ceremony of introduction, or to simply pass it with courtesy.

If a lady extends her hand to a gentleman, he does not, as of old, remove his glove, nor does he make use of the out-of-date formula, "Excuse my glove." At his departure the lady bows her adieu, but does not again extend her hand.

The hand-clasp is a cordial expression of good will, but there are degrees of cordiality to be observed in the performance of this ceremony. Every one knows, and shudders at, the woman who gives two, or at most, three fingers of a cold and lifeless hand for a moment into your keeping, and every one recognizes and fears the man who swallows up and crushes the entire hand within his powerful grasp. Each extreme is to be avoided.

A lady should give her whole hand, not her fingers; a gentleman should receive it cordially, holding it neither too tightly nor too loosely, shaking it very slightly and not presuming to retain it. Should a gentleman sin against any of these particulars, a lady is justified in refusing to offer her hand next time.

A young lady simply gives her hand to a gentleman, neither pressing nor shaking his, unless it be in the case of especial friends. Two-35- ladies shake hands quietly. Both ladies and gentlemen always rise to shake hands. Elderly people, or invalids, are permitted to excuse themselves and keep their seats.

Ball-room introductions for dancing do not necessitate hand-shaking, a bow being all that is required. A very particular introduction, wherever given, such as one prefaced by some remark like, "I want you to know my friend So-and-So," merits a hand-shake on your part, together with some cordial remark.

Inferiors in social position should always wait until their superiors offer the hand, never taking the initiative in this respect. This precaution will sometimes save them the pain of a marked slight.

Words of Salutation.

Verbal greetings ought always to be quiet and respectful; they should never be shouted across streets, nor called when the parties are at any distance from each other. Nicknames should not be used publicly and promiscuously, in short, all possible respect should be paid to the feelings of other persons on public occasions.

The phrases, "Good morning," "Good evening," "Good afternoon," "How do you do?" "How are you?" are the usual forms employed. Sometimes the name of the person addressed is added, thus: "Good morning, Mrs. Smith."

Replies to these salutations are sometimes simply a bow from a lady to a gentleman, or perhaps a bow and a repetition of his greeting, as: "Good morning, Mr. Jones." "How do you do," should be replied to by the same phrase, never, as is often the case with the novice in social arts, by: "I am very well, thank you." A special inquiry after one's health, however, as: "How do you do, Mrs. Jones?" followed, after her acknowledgment, by: "How are you?" or, "How is your health?" should receive the response, "I am very well, thank you." After an acquaintance has been ill, the first inquiry by a friend should be one concerning health. This is a rule that should never be neglected; to do so would be an oversight.

Kissing is a custom which the code of English and American eti-36-quette relegates as much as possible to the privacy of home. A kiss, the outward expression of our closest affection and our warmest love, should never be made a public show whereat the outside world may smile. Hence, the effusive kissing between girls and women at their meeting and their parting, is to be regretted as a specimen, to say the least, of very bad taste on their part. Indiscriminate kissing of children and infants is also objectionable on the score of health. Happily, kisses and embraces among men are never seen in this country, though, in some parts of Europe they are constantly to be observed, both in public and private.

“TALK often," says Lord Chesterfield, "but never long; in that case if you do not please, at least you are sure not to tire your hearers. Pay your own reckoning, but do not treat the entire company: this being one of the very few cases in which people do not care to be treated, every one being fully convinced that he has the wherewithal to pay."

All other arts pale before the art of conversation as a source of popularity, and no other accomplishment tends so much toward social success. The contact of many minds is a constant stimulus to mental activity and its outward expression in animated conversation. It lends new power to brilliancy of talent, and quickens, to a certain extent, even the lowest and dullest of intellects.

Everyone has been surprised and delighted at times by some unexpectedly brilliant remark that has flashed from his lips during the course of some animated exchange of badinage and repartee, and there is no one but realizes how the mind acquires breadth and the opinions grow tolerant as one converses with persons of intelligence and culture.

Since, however, according to Cicero, "Silence is one of the greatest arts of conversation," there may be added, with equal wisdom, to the above counsel, "Listen often and well." Be not an impatient listener, nor yet an impassive one, but pay the compliment of attention and interest to the subject in hand, and your company will be sought as an acquisition.-38-

Any lady, by profound attention to, and a pleased interest in the subject under consideration, may promote the conversation most skillfully and delightfully. Knowledge of the subject is not always necessary. An English savant, deeply interested in Egyptology, once escorted a young lady out to dinner. His conversation, as a matter of course, turned entirely upon excavations, hieroglyphics, and kindred topics. Upon all these the young lady was profoundly ignorant, but, if unversed in Egyptian lore, she was most thoroughly versed in conversational arts, and, by her speaking glances of intelligence and her pleased smile, so fascinated the man of science that he enthusiastically declared afterward that "Miss L—— was one of the best conversationalists and the most intelligent young lady he had ever met, and that her knowledge of Egyptology was something wonderful." This, to one who had sat opposite them at table, and could have vouched that the lady in question had not spoken a single word through the entire dinner, was slightly amusing. So strong however, was the impression left upon the mind of the savant by her interested attention, that it would have been difficult to convince him of the fact.

The Good Listener.

This, even if an exception, shows what attentive listening may accomplish toward social success. Let it be mentioned here, however, that no one individual should be so carried away by a pet hobby as to force conversation into a monologue. A very well bred man, no matter how great his interest in or eloquence upon any topic may be, always catches at the slightest hint to close the conversation.

A man will always bear in mind that the greatest compliment he can pay a woman is a respectful, deferential attention to her words. There are men whose very manner of listening conveys, in itself, the most delicate flattery.

A woman, in her turn, should always remember that, however interesting her conversation may be, there is always danger that a man may possibly weary of its protracted continuance, and so she should forebear leaving him no loophole for escape. Louise Chandler-39- Moulton enjoins one thing on women which they would do well to recollect, and that is, "if they want a man to stay with them to make it evidently and entirely easy for him to get away. There is something lawless and rebellious in even the best of men; they hate doing things because they are obliged."

Suitable Topics.

To render conversation agreeable, suitable topics for the company present, if possible, must be chosen. Neither soar above the level of their conversation, nor sink so far beneath it, as to lead them to infer that you possess a very slight opinion of their merits.

In conversing, too many educated men fall into the error of talking commonplaces to all women alike, as if "small talk," to the exclusion of all weightier matters, were the only species of conversation suited to a woman's ear. On the contrary, she is more often either hurt or angered at your evident condescension, or, on the other hand, she credits you with just the amount of knowledge that you have evinced in your conversation with her.

In the search after suitable topics it is well to remember that all are pleased by a display of interest in their especial affairs. Thus, by leading the artist to talk of his pictures, the lady amateur of her music, the prima donna of her successes, the mother of her children, the author of his book, you may rest assured that they will always speak of you as a person of great discrimination and a very interesting conversationalist. They in their turn, unless extremely devoid of tact and eminently selfish, will display sufficient regard for your feelings to give an opportunity for waxing eloquent on your part over your own pet topics. Be very careful then not to fall into that besetting fault of good talkers, a monologue, which is fatal to all conversation.

Richard Steele gave a most desirable maxim for conversation when he said: "I would establish one great rule in conversation, which is this, that men should not talk to please themselves, but those that hear them—adapting their words to the place where, the time when, and the person to whom they are spoken."-40-

Misuse of Quotations.

Do not use classical quotations before a woman unless you know that, by virtue of a classical education on her own part, she is capable of appreciating the point. Remember, too, that there are a great many men who, not having enjoyed your educational advantages, are annoyed, rather than edified by your display of learning.

Do not make a point of exhibiting your learning aggressively anywhere. "Classical quotation is the literary man's parole the world over," says Dr. Samuel Johnson, but he savored somewhat of the pedant, and his imitators, by too frequent an indulgence in this habit, may run the risk of aping his pedantry without possessing his genius. Neither is it well to interlard conversation with too frequent quotations from English authors, no matter how well they may fit the occasion. This is a habit that easily becomes tiresome.

“Small Talk.”

The current change of society is the light coin of "small talk" that breaks with chink and shimmer the heavy bills of large denomination, that else would overwhelm social conversation with their size.

Wiseacres may meet and learnedly discourse on all manner of sage subjects, but that is discussion, debate, argument, what you will, not conversation. Conversation is light, brilliant, and tossed back and forth from one to another with the grace and ease of the feathered shuttlecock.

A lady of high literary attainments was seen in a gay gathering sitting quietly by herself in a corner, and, being questioned by a friend as to her silence, replied, half bitterly, "I have no 'small change,' and my bank bills are all of too large denomination for the occasion." This is a difficulty that one should strive to overcome, for, after all, it is small change, rather than bank bills, that society in general requires.

Given the foundation of even a moderate education, the aspirant for social success will gain more ideas from modern fiction than from any-41- other source whatever. No historian presents the social manners and customs of his time with half the accuracy displayed by our best fiction writers. A well known society woman, familiar with its usages both at home and abroad, declares that "a course of Anthony Trollope is as good as a London season," and we all know that Howells and James and other authors of that ilk have lifted the portières of our own drawing rooms and shown us what is transpiring therein. Gail Hamilton says that to be "well-smattered" is next best to being deeply learned, and nowhere can a smattering of almost everything be better gained than from the modern works of fiction.

A Valuable Source of Knowledge.

A friend of the writer, a talented elocutionist, and socially brilliant, once said with reference to her quiet country home and her sudden emergence therefrom to mingle in Washington society, that she found herself perfectly at ease in those circles so widely different from her previous experience of life, and that "she attributed it wholly to her knowledge of social customs and the social atmosphere, as gained from the best society stories." It was in this manner that she served her social novitiate and the result bore testimony to its efficacy.

Where one is not quite sure of rising to the occasion it is well to be provided, before attending a social gathering, with several topics that will be suitable to bring forward in conversation. Many are in the habit of doing this constantly. Some new book, one that created a little sensation, some course of lectures, some late theatrical or operatic entertainment, anything, in short, that is generally popular. Be careful, however, in broaching such subjects not to egotistically give your own opinion at the outset by saying decidedly, "I think that book is a perfect failure, quite absurd in fact. What is your opinion?" This course of action, if your companion is younger or more timid than yourself, will probably reduce him to the point of having no opinion whatever, or at least to being afraid to express it, and the conversation, as such, will fail completely. Whereas, if you had quietly asked him if he had read the book, how he enjoyed it, etc., you would have-42- gradually entered upon a conversation wherein you would have drawn out his ideas and at the same time have been enabled to display your own.

Cultivate Your Mind.

One of the first requisites of social success is a cultivated mind. You cannot hope to hold your own in society without at least a general knowledge of the events of the last few years in historical, scientific, artistic and social fields. Such knowledge is easily gained by a little study and a great deal of observation, the pains taken being more than recompensed by the ease and assurance with which one enters society.

If a musician or an artist, you should be sure to know something of your chosen art aside from the mere technicalities. Be well versed in the various schools of painting, the varied merits of the musical masters of the past and present. Be filled with the spirit as well as the technique of your profession and you cannot fail to converse pleasantly upon these subjects. Always remember, however, not to advance your opinions to the utter exclusion of every one else, or your companionship will become tiresome to the best of listeners.

“Drawing Out Others.”

The very essence of the art of conversation is to draw others out and cause them to shine; to be more anxious, apparently, to discover other people's opinions than to advance your own.

Who does not remember gratefully and admiringly the sympathetic people who seem to draw out the very best there is in us—in whose company we appear almost brilliant, and actually surprise ourselves by the fluency and point of our remarks? Such people are a boon to society. No one sits dull and silent in their presence, or says unpleasant, sarcastic things before them, and, while never seeming to advance any views of their own, and certainly never forcing them upon our attention, we involuntarily learn of them and love them, scarcely knowing why.-43-

Malebranche showed his knowledge of human nature when he wrote: "He who has imparted to others his knowledge without any one perceiving it and without drawing from it any advantage, necessarily gains all hearts by his virtuous liberality. Those who would be loved, and who have much wit, should thus impart it to others."

The Passion for Argument.

Never permit yourself to be drawn into an argument in general society. Nothing can be more provocative of anger on one side or another, or more destructive to conversation, than a lengthy and, too often, bitter argument. Good breeding would suggest that the subject be changed at once before the controversy becomes heated. Especially should any debate upon politics or religion be avoided as subjects upon which two seldom agree, but which are so close to the hearts of the majority as to cause serious annoyance if their pet beliefs are touched upon or questioned. Be careful, also, not to take the opposite side of every question that is brought up in conversation.

Wit and Humor.

Sidney Smith once said: "Man could direct his ways by plain reason and support his life on tasteless food, but God has given us wit and flavor, and laughter and perfumes, to enliven the days of man's pilgrimage, and to charm his pained footsteps over the burning marl." And Sidney Smith was so much the life and soul of every social gathering that, while the English language is spoken, his witty remarks will be quoted with delight.

Wit, however, is too often but another name for sarcasm and ridicule, that, like a barbed arrow, rankles long in the soul of its victim. True humor, it should be remembered, is neither scathing nor insolent; it is simply that bright repartee that someone aptly calls the "spice of conversation." Hence it would be well to smother the temptation to be witty at the expense of another, and crush back the brilliant but cutting retort meant only to wound, not to amuse.-44-

Evil Speaking.

Beware of evil speaking. In the eyes of all right-minded persons much that you have said recoils upon your own head, for no one has quite the same opinion of an individual after having listened to a series of scandalous stories from his lips. Hence, for your own sake, as well as for that of others, eschew the vice of evil speaking as a very pestilence.

Let young ladies have a care how they speak lightly or contemptuously of one another at any time, but more especially when conversing with men. Nothing, as a rule, is more prejudicial to a woman, in the estimation of a man, than this all-too-prevalent habit. No matter what the faults of your sister-woman may be, condone them gently, or, if this be impossible, let a silence that is golden fall about the subject.

Unhesitatingly acknowledge a woman's beauty or talent, and, instead of detracting from your own merits, it will enhance them in the eyes of all. A young man was once heard by the writer counselling his sister from the depths of his own experience as a social favorite. "Never," said he, "say one word against a girl to any young man. It only puts you down in their estimation. Say something pretty and complimentary about them if you can; if not, keep still." And his advice was words fitly spoken, that are, indeed, "like apples of gold in pictures of silver."

“Telling Stories.”

Stories should never be introduced into general conversation unless they meet several requirements. In the first place, they should be short and well told. Secondly, they should be new to the company where they are told. Nothing is more tiresome than listening to a twice-told tale, though the height of good breeding is to smile over its tediousness.

One way to avoid inflicting this martyrdom is to ask beforehand if any one present has heard such and such a story. Then, in the third-45- place, it must be straight to the point, and directly called for as an illustration of the case in hand.

Do not tell more than two or three stories or anecdotes in the same evening. Never be guilty of relating in company a narrative that is in the least questionable in its import. This is utterly inexcusable, and, to so sin, is to render one's self unfit for social companionship. Avoid repetition. If some portion of an anecdote has met with applause, do not repeat it. Its unexpectedness was its only charm.

Absent-Mindedness.

This is a sin against good manners which cannot be too greatly condemned, being, as it is, in some measure an insult to the company in which you find yourself. No one cares to be of so little importance as to find the person addressed totally oblivious of his presence or remarks, and no one can blame him if, as Chesterfield suggests, "finding you absent in mind, you should speedily find them absent in body."

Profuse Compliments.

To be endurable, compliments should be made use of in a very cautious and artful manner. If permitted to degenerate into gross flattery they are far from complimentary to the understanding of the individual addressed. The day, happily, is long since past when conversation between men and women was confined to unmixed flattery on the one side and blushing acceptance on the other. That "the best flattery is that which comes at second hand," no one can deny, yet, judicious praise is not only acceptable but useful many times in giving the needed incentive, without which the flagging footsteps might have faltered on their way.

Contradictions and Interjections.

Never be guilty of abrupt contradictions. If you differ decidedly from some given opinion, soften the expression of your difference by such modifications as, "I hardly think so," or, "My idea is rather-46- different," or, "I beg to differ." This is much more polite and less likely to arouse antagonistic feelings.

In conversation never allow yourself to fall into the habit of using constantly such phrases as "You don't say!" "Do tell!" "Did you ever?" "Is that so?" and many others that will come to mind as you recall your own faults in this respect, and the faults of your friends. An equal avoidance should be cultivated of such interjections as "Say," "Well," etc., with which we often begin our sentences. These habits are all to be condemned and should be corrected as speedily as possible.

Voice and Manner.

Let your voice be low and pleasantly modulated and your enunciation clear, distinct and musical. All these things are marks of good breeding, and, if not yours by birthright, may be acquired by patience and perseverance. Avoid high tones and nasal tones. Do not talk rapidly, or in a hesitating, stumbling fashion. A partial course in elocution and voice training will work wonders in this direction, and any one determined to succeed will never regret the time or money so spent.

Cultivate also, if shy and timid by nature, self esteem sufficient to imagine that you are quite the equal of those with whom you are about to meet. This resolution will enable you to say what you wish without fear of mistake, and without showing too much respect of persons. The above-mentioned elocutionary lessons will also be an aid toward acquiring self-possession.

Repose of manner should be assiduously cultivated. Do not fidget or loll about in your chair, or twist your fingers constantly, or play with something while you talk, or restlessly beat a tattoo with fingers or feet. All such faults render your companionship a burden to those about you.

Indulge in no facial contortions, as they rapidly become habits difficult to break and usually leave their traces on the face in lines impossible to efface. Lifting the eyebrows, rolling the eyes, opening-47- them very widely, twisting the mouth and opening it so as to show the tongue in talking, are all disagreeable habits, that, once acquired, can only be broken by ceaseless vigilance. Practice talking without moving the facial muscles but slightly. Do this before your mirror daily, if necessary, and before the same faithful mentor learn to open the eyes less widely, parting the lids only just so far as to show the colored iris without a glimpse of the white portion, or cornea, of the eye above or below it. The time thus spent will result in a change most gratifying to yourself and friends.

Conversational Sins.

Never interrupt a person who is talking. Never take the words out of anyone's mouth and finish the sentence for them. To do this is ill-bred and does not bespeak your superior discernment, but your ignorance of polite society.

Puns, unless exceptionally witty, are to be carefully avoided. Young ladies, especially, should beware of establishing any reputation for punning. At all events, puns should never be far-fetched.

Do not whisper in company; nothing can be more vulgar. Neither should two in a gathering converse together in a foreign language, not understood by the others present, or talk blindly in a manner unintelligible only to themselves. Should, however, a distinguished foreigner to whom the language is almost unknown be among the guests, it is a mark of courtesy for as many as possible to converse in his native tongue.

Do not immediately break off the conversation upon persons entering the room. It is too apt to leave the impression upon their minds that the discourse was of them. In carrying on a conversation after newcomers enter the room, briefly recapitulate what has gone before, that the thread of the story may be complete for them. Look at those with whom you are talking, but never stare.

Profanity is the last and most inexcusable sin committed against good manners and propriety. The man who will deliberately use profane language in the drawing-room, or before women and children, or aged men, should be considered without the pale of good society.-48-

Language coarse in its tendency is open to the same criticism, and remarks and stories that carry a double meaning cannot be too severely condemned. If it is at any time possible for a woman to receive such a story in its innocent sense, let her do it, showing by some remark the light in which it is taken; otherwise, she should be apparently blind and ignorant as to its meaning.

Avoid affectations. In conversation make use of long words as little as possible, and wherever a short and easily understood one is suitable to express your meaning, choose it in preference to one of polysyllabic proportions.

Use of the Lips and Facial Expressions.

Do not cover the lips with the hand, or a fan, while speaking. To do so shows nervousness and a lack of social training. Besides this, much of the expression of the face lies in the mouth. This is shown by all actors, readers and public speakers, who, as a rule, appear before their audiences with closely-shaven faces, that no portion of the varying changes of the lips may be lost.

Never, if you are a man, speak lightly of women. Nothing so surely lowers your own standard in the eyes of all sensible people. Never hurt the feelings of others. Never allude publicly to times when you have known them in less affluent circumstances than the present.

Be very careful to guard against over much laughing. Nothing gives a sillier appearance than spasms of laughter upon the slightest provocation. It soon grows into a very disagreeable habit. Smile frequently, if need be, but be moderate in laughter. A very little reasoning will serve to do this; and the reflection that few grown people laugh well will aid still farther in curbing the propensity.

Let your greeting of acquaintances be free from boisterousness and familiarity. Do not bring your hand down heavily upon their shoulder, nor emphasize your sentences with pushes and punches of an active elbow, nor fling your arms about their necks or shoulders. To some fastidious persons these boorish acts are a positive insult.-49- An affectation of boisterous familiarity more often betrays a feeling of social inferiority than absolute shyness or timidity does.

Never permit yourself to correct other people in matter or manner, unless it should be absolutely necessary to protect some one else. Under all ordinary circumstances do not betray a confidential communication made you by a friend. Set the seal of the confessional upon it. If it should be sorrowful in its nature, do not mention it even to the friend who has confided it to your keeping unless he or she should first refer to it. It may have been confessed in a moment of confidence and regretted almost as soon as spoken, hence, do not revive the memory yourself.

Control Your Temper.

Keep your temper under all circumstance while in company. Even if some remark has been made with plain intent to injure your feelings, an absolute ignoring of the intended sting will prevent others, and, most of all, the guilty party, from perceiving the depth of the wound. A true gentleman, or lady, is never quick to take offense.

Never ask impertinent or personal questions, unless these latter are called for by the nature of the conversation. Be careful not to give advice unless it is sought, and remember then that it is a commodity of which a very little goes a long way.

And last, but not least, utterly eschew all slang. There are some young ladies who apparently think that a little slang, to spice their remarks, is piquant and saucy, but, in the majority of cases they so soon overstep the mark and fall into the deplorable habit of constantly and copiously interlarding their speech with all manner of slang phrases, that one is forced to advocate total abstinence as the only safeguard.

The too common habit of exaggeration, on the part of so many schoolgirls and young ladies is also to be deplored, a quiet unobtrusiveness of speech always marking the true lady.

Do not, in speaking, too frequently mention your hearer by name. To do so implies either great familiarity on your part, or social in-50-feriority on theirs. In this latter case it savors strongly of patronage.

In speaking to people always give them their proper titles, as: "Colonel," "Doctor Jones," "Professor Gray." Never make a practice of saying: "That is so, Colonel," but, "That is so, Colonel Sharp."

In mentioning a married daughter, unless to a very intimate friend, give her married title, as: "Mrs. Miller," or, "My daughter, Mrs. Miller." In speaking of unmarried daughters, or of sons (unless to servants), give them their Christian name, as Hattie or George, or else mention them, and this is better before strangers, as: "My daughter," or, "My son."

Misuse of Initials.

Never address persons by their initials, as: "Mrs. W.," "Miss C.," "Mr. D.;" give them instead their full name. Neither should you call young ladies, "Miss Mollie," or "Miss Jennie;" "Miss Smith," or, "Miss Brown," being in much better taste. Their Christian names should only be used to distinguish them from other sisters. Never address people by their Christian names unless very familiarly acquainted. This practice savors of ill-breeding and is often very annoying to the person so addressed.

In speaking of persons who are absent, mention them by their last name, as: "Mrs. Roe," "Mr. Doe," unless the intimacy is very great; even then care should be taken not to use their Christian names too freely among persons to whom they may be strangers.

A wife in speaking of her husband should rather say "Mr. Smith," than "My husband;" but, above all, let her refrain from referring to her liege lord as "he," as if the whole wide world possessed no other mortal to whom that pronoun was applicable. Husbands should follow the same rules in referring to their wives.

Be careful not to interlard conversation with "sir," or "ma'am." In Europe these terms are relegated to the use of the lower classes.

Visiting Cards.

ARDS are the sign manual of society. Their use and development belongs only to a high order of civilization. They accompany us, as one writer has justly remarked, all the way from the cradle to the grave. They begin with engraved announcements of the birth of a child, then cards for its christening, and, later on, dainty little cards of invitation for children's parties, until, in due time, the girl crosses that line

They announce the gaieties, the pleasures, the anniversaries of life: they inquire for us during our illness and sorrow, they return thanks for our gifts and attentions, and, finally, they commemorate to our friends the last, sad earthly scene and ring the curtain down.

The stress laid by society upon the correct usage of these magic bits of pasteboard will not seem unnecessary when it is remembered that the visiting card, socially defined, means, and is frequently made to take the place of, one's self. It will be seen, therefore, that one of the first requisites for social success is to understand the language, so to speak, of the visiting card. With this end in view the following suggestions on the subject have been carefully arranged with due regard to brevity, accuracy and ease of reference.

Style of the Card.

The card should be perfectly plain, fine in texture, thin, white, unglazed and engraved in simple script without flourishes. Gilt edges,-52- rounded or clipped corners, tinted surfaces or any oddity of lettering, such as German or Old English text, are to be avoided. A photograph or any ornamentation whatever upon a card savors of ill-breeding or rusticity. Have the script engraved always, never printed. The engraved autograph is no longer considered in good taste, neither are written cards as elegant as those that are engraved.

Size of the Card.

The regulation size, both in this country and England, for a lady's visiting card is three and one-half inches in length and two and one-half inches in width. This oblong form is most generally used, but there is an almost square shape, two and a half inches by three, also in favor, and especially used by unmarried ladies where the shortness of their name would be too much emphasized in the longer card. For instance: "Miss Ray" would be quite justified in choosing the square style, while "Miss Ethelinda Crane" or "Mrs. Algernon Spencer" would find the length of their names displayed to better advantage on the oblong card.

Cards for gentlemen are much smaller than those for ladies. This-53- holds good in both England and America, where the required size is three inches one way by one inch and a half the other.

The largest card in use is the one sometimes adopted by the newly-married and engraved with their joint names. Thus:

may make use of a card four inches long by three and one-half in width, but a lady and her daughter, where their names appear together, should use the first-mentioned oblong size for ladies.

Engraving the Name.

Married ladies make a point of using their husband's name or initials upon their cards instead of their own, as:

It occasionally, however, happens that some lady, unwilling to so lose the identity of her own name, prefers this latter form. Or, if her family name be an old and honored one, she frequently retains it, thus:

But, though the married woman make use of her husband's name, she has no claim to his titles; so that while others may address her-54- as "Mrs. Judge So and So," "Mrs. Dr. So and So," she must carefully avoid all such display. Let her be comforted, however, as her just pride in her husband's honors is easily gratified, since she is expected, on all formal occasions, to leave one of his cards, wherein his titles are set forth, with her own.

Occasionally a lady contents herself with having engraved upon her cards a simple:

This, however, is unwise unless the name is a very uncommon one, and even then, should there be more than one branch of the family in the vicinity, the wife of the oldest member of the family only would have a right to make use of it.

Newly married couples frequently send out for their first cards the largest size mentioned engraved thus:

Occasionally they preserve this custom throughout the entire first season. But this is all; from thenceforth husband and wife have their own separate cards. They may, however, be used at times throughout the married life to convey messages of sympathy, congratulation, or to accompany gifts.

Widows have always hesitated about exchanging the beloved and accustomed name upon their cards for their own signature. This, however, in many cases, is a necessity, especially where there is a son bearing the father's name. This is sometimes thought to be avoided by the use of the distinctive "Senior" or "Junior," a custom obviously wrong, since after the death of Francis Brown, Senior, Francis Brown, Junior, becomes at once Francis Brown, and his wife, Mrs. Francis Brown. Hence, while we have no such convenient title as "Dowager," the widowed Mrs. Francis Brown will be obliged to drop her husband's name in favor of her son's wife and thenceforth appear before the world as Mrs. Mary E. Brown. Where there are no children, or immediate relatives, change of title on the part of the widow is a mere matter of sentiment.-55-

The black border upon a widow's cards should never be over a quarter of an inch in depth: more than this savors of ostentation rather than affliction.

Young ladies, especially if it is their first season in society, will find it the best form to have their names engraved upon the visiting card of their mother. Thus, if it is the eldest daughter:

And if it should chance that two daughters "come out" in consecutive seasons both of their names are frequently engraved upon their mother's card, thus:

Though it often happens that, for convenience sake, by the time the second rosebud is "out," the first has established a cardcase of her own. Yet as neither custom nor etiquette sanctions young girls in having cards of their own, a mother often continues to have the name of her young daughters engraved upon her own card.

Especially is this so among strangers, the prefix "Miss" carrying with it a certain quiet reserve and dignity.-56-

The eldest daughter of a family announces herself upon her cards as "Miss Wright," unless there are several of the same name in town, while the others are respectively "Miss Alice Creighton Wright" and "Miss Ethel May Wright." Occasionally a card is used for sisters engraved as follows:

All pet names are to be avoided upon visiting cards and "Nettie Cranston" very properly becomes "Miss Annette Cranston" upon her cards.

Neither are initials good form for young ladies, though after an unmarried lady has reached a certain, or rather an "uncertain," age, she may, if she choose, be permitted to place upon her visiting cards:

If the young lady be motherless she often has her name engraved beneath that of her father, using not the smaller card of a gentleman but the first given oblong card for ladies. In England unmarried ladies, unless they have reached a very "uncertain" age indeed, follow the above fashion, and quite young ladies leave their chaperon's card as well. This fashion is often followed here, and when so done signifies that they will be inseparable for the season.

Address on Cards.

There is much question as to whether the address should be engraved on a lady's card, some very exclusive circles prohibiting it entirely on a young lady's card and questioning its use for a married lady, suggesting that in case a young lady desires to give her address to any particular individual it may be easily pencilled on one of her cards for the occasion, and that married ladies have the privilege of leaving one of their husband's, with engraved address, in connection with their own. This custom, while it may seem an over-nicety to those outside the great centers of metropolitan life, will be appreciated by all those to whom the "ins and outs" of city life are familiar. It should be said that while engraving the address is still a mooted ques-57-tion, except for young ladies, each individual is at liberty to use her own judgment on the question.

Cards for Gentlemen.

The size and style of a gentleman's card has been already given, but a few words as to name and titles will be necessary here. Custom, with reference to the cards that a man must carry, is considerably less arbitrary than towards women in the same respect. He may use his initials or his full name, as it pleases him. He may inscribe himself "Mr. John Smith," or simply "John Smith," and be quite correct in so doing, though just now there is a little inclination in favor of the more formal "Mr.," an English custom we do well in copying.

Military, not militia, naval and judicial titles, may always be used. Physicians and clergymen have the same privilege; honorary titles, however, should be avoided.

A private gentleman would have his card as: Mr. Howard Mason, 24 Union Square. If he were a club man, the club name, providing it were a very fashionable one, would take the place of the address, as: Mr. Howard Mason, Union League Club. For a military card: Captain Arthur Coleman, U.S.A. For a naval card: Admiral Porter, U.S.N. A medical man might use the following: George H. Harrison, M.D.

Some eminent men go to extreme simplicity, as, for instance, "Mr. Webster" being all that graced the cards of that celebrity.

It is hardly necessary to say that a business card should never be used as a visiting card. A gentleman carries his cards either in his pocket or in a small leather case sold for that purpose.

Cards for Receptions.

Cards used for receptions, lawn-tennis parties, afternoon teas, etc., in place of more formal invitations, have been fully described under "Invitations." One example will suffice here: Mrs. Lawrence Barrett, July 1st, at 4. p.m. The object of the entertainment being written in the corner of the engraved card.-58-

Cards for receptions are a necessary convenience in this era of lengthy visiting lists. Without them there would be no possibility of leisure or of seeing one's friends at their own homes. The following is an example: Mrs. Emmons B. Churchill, Thursdays. Or: Thursdays, Three o'clock to five, may be substituted; the latter form, however, usually meaning that a simple afternoon tea will be served on the day mentioned.

A young lady never sends out a reception card in her own name alone, but her name is engraved upon her mother's card or that of her chaperon, thus: Mrs. Harold Gray; Miss Gray, Wednesdays, Four o'clock to seven. Or, in case of a chaperon: Mrs. George M. Jansen; Miss Alice LeVictoire, Wednesdays, Three o'clock to five.

Foreign Phrases.

There are a certain number of French phrases that custom has declared shall take the place of that "pure English undefiled" whereof Spenser wrote. In a few cases these chance to be shorter, more euphonious, and more directly to the point than the corresponding English phrase. For instance, the word "chaperon," so important in its signification at the present, has no adequate English translation. Below is given an alphabetical list of those phrases in most frequent use, together with the abbreviations that ofttimes serve in place of the full phrase:

The term en ville, when used in the place of "city," in addressing a note that is to pass through the postman's hands, is a needless and annoying affectation, since it is hardly to be expected that a knowledge of the French language forms one of the qualifications for a letter-carrier's position, and if delay ensues in delivery, the writer, not the carrier, is to blame.

P.P.C. Cards.

In the event of leaving town for a long absence, P.P.C. cards are frequently sent out. This is especially convenient where the length of one's visiting list renders the personal making of farewell calls an impossibility. The cards are sent out upon the eve of departure, and all persons receiving them are expected, upon the arrival of the absentee, to return the courtesy by cards (which may also be sent by mail) and by invitations. The ordinary engraved visiting card is used, and the initials P.P.C. (an abbreviation of the French phrase "to take leave") are written in capitals in the lower left hand corner of the card. P.D.A. (to say farewell) is occasionally used, but is not in general favor. If the address should happen to be engraved in the lower left hand corner, P.P.C. may be written in the lower right hand corner, either way being permissible at any time. The large card inscribed jointly with the name of husband and wife is frequently used in this connection. P.P.C. cards are especially appropriate-60- where there are no calls due. If possible, unpaid personal calls should be answered in person on the eve of departure.

Turning Down the Corners.

This custom is almost out of date, and in consequence of the various interpretations liable to be given to the act, its disuse is a satisfaction to all parties concerned. To briefly explain the custom, a card turned down at the corner, or across one end, signifies that the call was made in person, and is sometimes very convenient when one wishes it distinctly understood that the card was brought in person, not sent; while one folded through the center denotes that the call includes all members of the family. A man should not turn down the corners of his cards.

Minor interpretations, such as which end or which corner is to be turned down on different occasions, even the surviving adherents of the custom do not pretend to agree upon.

How to Leave Cards.

In leaving cards follow the fashion of those who have paid you the same courtesy. If a call has been made upon you, return it by a call, as to return a personal visit by the sending of a bit of pasteboard would partake of the nature of a slight. If cards only have been sent you by a servant, return cards in the same manner by messenger or servant; if they were sent by mail, return by mail. If the cards of any of the gentlemen of a house are left, always leave the cards of any gentleman of your family in return.

Of course first calls should be made and returned in person, the card-leaving formalities coming later on. This rule is departed from only by a few ladies whom age, health, social or literary duties will excuse from making personal calls. These frequently permit themselves to send out cards in place of a first call, either accompanying them with, or immediately following them by an invitation to some entertainment. This attention should receive the same notice as a first call; cards should be sent in return, together with an answer to the-61- invitation, if it is of a nature to require it, and a personal call must be made thereafter, unless it was simply an afternoon tea, and an invitation sent in return speedily as possible.

A lady leaves a card for a lady only, a gentleman leaves cards for the host and hostess of a house. Some authorities assert that a man making the first call of ceremony should, in addition to the first-mentioned cards, if none of the family are at home, leave another folded down through the center for the other members of the family. The folding, however, is questionable taste and the requisite number of cards would be better left in their original state. Cards should be left for the daughters of a house; if there are sons, a lady may leave one of her husband's for them also.

Number of Cards to be Left.

After this first visit of ceremony it is only necessary to leave one card at any following call throughout the season. As a rule in country towns but one card is left at any call, unless it is at the first calls of a bride, when, if her husband's name is not engraved upon her card, she leaves one of his with her own.

A gentleman and lady calling together and finding the mistress of the house, only, at home, would leave but one card, that of the gentleman for the master of the house. Finding no one at home, they would leave three cards, one of hers and two of his. A lady calling under the same circumstances would leave one of her own cards and two of her husband's.

When one lady calls upon another, if the hostess be at home she does not send in her card (unless she is an entire stranger), nor does etiquette strictly enjoin her to leave it in the hall, unless it is upon her hostess' reception day, when, on account of the large number of visitors, it would be difficult to remember all. It then becomes a very desirable custom for a lady to leave a card, together with two of her husband's. Also when the servant is somewhat dull of comprehension as to the name it will be well to send in a card to prevent mistakes. On reception days in very fashionable houses it is the custom-62- to announce the guests by name as they enter the room, so that cards need not be sent in.

Never hand your own card to your hostess. If it be necessary, introduce yourself verbally, doing so quickly and clearly, and being sure to mention yourself, if a young lady, as "Miss."

Busy, elderly, and even young men are very prone to leaving their cards in the hands of mother, sister, wife, or any other lady of the house for distribution, though after an elaborate entertainment it is much more indicative of good breeding that a young man should pay his respects in person to his hostess.

Calls upon Young Ladies.

Young men in this country leave cards for the young ladies of a house, but they should always leave one at the same time for her mother or chaperon. In Europe they are never permitted to leave a card for a young lady at all. They call upon the mother or chaperon, and while they may offer to send for the young lady, she is never asked after.

If a gentleman, in calling where there are several young ladies, especially wishes to see one of the number, he may ask for her, but, before the call is over, should say he would be pleased to see the other ladies; more especially is there no excuse for ignoring the existence of the mother or chaperon of the young girl.

If a gentleman knows the ladies of the house well, it is not necessary for him to send in a card if they are at home, unless it be the first call of the season, when it is well to leave one in the hall. In a household consisting of two or more ladies not closely related a card should be left for each one.

When ladies are visiting in a house where the caller, whether man or woman, is unacquainted, he or she always leaves a card for the lady of the house and requests to see her: a request which she may not grant, but one which it would be a marked slight to omit.

In leaving a card for a friend visiting at a private house, never write her name upon it; depend upon the servant, or whoever opens the-63- door, to remember for whom it is intended. This is only permissible when your friend is at a hotel. In doing this write the name above yours.

When a newly-married man sends cards immediately after his marriage to his bachelor friends it may be expected that he wishes to retain them as such in his new life. Upon the reception of these cards they are expected to call upon the bride at once.

How to Send Cards.

Cards sent by messenger are enclosed in a single unsealed envelope; sent by mail this envelope is enclosed within another and larger one which is sealed. Cards handed in at the door are received by the servant on a salver to prevent being soiled by handling.

When to Leave Cards.

First Calls of the season necessitate the leaving of cards. Let them be left quietly in the hall. This custom assists the lady of the house in revising her visiting list.

Letters of Introduction necessitate that those who have received courtesies in response to such, should, upon their departure, send P.P.C. cards to those that have thus remembered them.

A Change of Residence renders it desirable to send cards by mail to one's friends with the new address engraved thereon. However, should there be unpaid calls, the cards to these should be left in person.

The Return from an Absence, including any length of time, should be announced by sending out cards having the address and reception day engraved upon them. Where P.P.C. cards have been issued previous to departure these should always follow the return.

Preceding a Début. Previous to the date decided upon for the presentation of a débutante to the social world, the young girl's mother calls upon those of her friends whom she desires to be present upon the occasion and leaves them her own and her husband's cards, and, if she have grown sons, their cards also.-64-

Reception Invitations to a full dress reception are preceded by a call by card upon all the acquaintances to whom the hostess may be indebted.

After Cards is the name applied to those that are sent to friends after a marriage and are engraved thus:

Later on, however, when the bride returns visits, she usually leaves her own card with her married name engraved upon it, thus:

Before Marriage, the bride expectant in paying her farewell calls, leaves her own separate card, together with that of her mother or chaperon, with all acquaintances she may wish to retain in her new life.

Entertainments and Calls.

After Entertainments, a card, in large cities, is sufficient, unless it be after a dinner or a wedding reception, when a personal call is made. If the wedding invitations have been to the church only, not including the gathering at the house, some most exclusive people send cards to the bride's parents, afterwards inviting the young people to their entertainments. But a dinner absolutely requires a personal call.

Even gentlemen, usually so remiss in such matters, are rather expected to leave a card in person after a dinner. Any invitation, however, coming from a new acquaintance, necessitates a personal call, unless the intercourse is not to be kept up. In towns and smaller cities, a personal call is made after entertainments of any size.

After a Tea a visit is paid and thus the visiting etiquette for a year is established. Before the season is over, however, the lady, if she expects to retain her position in society for the next season, must give a tea, or a series of teas, inviting all who have similarly honored her. This must be done before the season closes. Where the tea is not attended, cards should be sent to the house the same day.-65-

Special Receptions, such as those dress affairs given once or twice in a season, require a personal card.

General Receptions, or "at homes," given in a series, the dates of which are all mentioned on one card, need neither cards nor calls in return. Your presence there is a call in itself. A card may be left in the hall upon the day of reception to assist the memory of the hostess.

Other Hints.

Ladies in a strange city, staying either with friends or at a hotel, are privileged to send cards, giving their address, to any acquaintances, either lady or gentleman, from whom they may wish to receive a call. If desirable, they may send a note in preference, giving date or hour when they will be at home.

Special Pursuits. Ladies having special pursuits, literary, or professional, often permit this fact to cover remission in social demands, in fact do not "visit" at all.

For a Son, upon his introduction to society here in America, there is very little display made. His entrée is usually very gradual, but if he has been closely kept at school his freedom from this is often announced by his mother leaving his card with her own when she makes her visits at the beginning of the season. This is taken as a suggestion that, in future, his name is to be included among the invited members of the family.

Cards for an unmarried gentleman should never be left by a lady, except in the case of his having given an entertainment at which ladies were present. In this case the lady of the house should drive to his door with her own cards and those of her family. Names of the young ladies should be engraved for the occasion upon the card of their mother or chaperon. The cards should be sent in by a servant. If a call is made upon a lady's regular reception day, it is rude to leave a card only, without entering and inquiring for the hostess. The time spent inside the house may be very brief, but even a few moments will satisfy the demands of etiquette, which without these would be rudely violated.-66-

Cards may be made to accomplish so much of the multifarious duties of society that one can scarcely imagine the social world revolving safely upon its axis without their intervention. Far be it from any to look upon the custom as a hollow mockery, for, without the system of formal visiting, or calling, society as it now stands could not exist. Such, too, are the complexities of modern existence that life would be all too short for the fulfillment of its demands were it not for these useful bits of pasteboard that do so much of our work by proxy and dispose of our undesirable acquaintances so speedily by the simple cessation, on our part, of leaving cards at their door.

Various Cards.

Among the cards as yet not referred to in this department may be mentioned the following:

Cards of Congratulation, such as those sent the parents of a newly-betrothed couple upon the announcement of the betrothal; those sent the happy parents of a lately arrived son or daughter, etc. Cards of this description should be left in person, though it is not expected that you should enter and make a formal visit. The leaving in person, however, is a compliment.

Cards of Betrothal are distributed by the parents of the newly-engaged pair, leaving their cards with their own on all friends of the family. Individuals receiving these cards should call as soon as possible.

Cards of Courtesy are sent on many occasions. For instance, to a house where the children or youth of their family have been invited without including the elders. This is done in acknowledgment of the courtesy extended to their children. Again, a gift however simple, even flowers, should always be accompanied by a card of courtesy. The simple visiting card is usually sufficient, though a "Merry Christmas," "Happy New Year," or "Many happy returns of the day," may be penciled beneath the name. If there are many words to be written, however, a little note of courtesy is far better. (See Notes.) The recipient of the gift should answer by a note of thanks,-67- never by a card simply. Cards should also accompany, or be attached to, flowers sent to a funeral, that the family may know friends remembered them in their sorrow.

Cards of Inquiry are frequently sent, or better still, left in person, at the homes of friends prostrated by severe illness, or by recent bereavement. These usually have the words, "To inquire," or "With kind inquiries," pencilled above the name. These are many times a source of relief during the weary days of convalescence, or the heavy hours of seclusion after affliction, when the voices of friends would be too hard to bear, but the thought of their loving remembrance yields a healing balm. In cases of bereavement the cards should be sent about one week after the sad occasion that called them forth.

Acknowledgment of Inquiry Cards.

Cards of Thanks are usually sent out in reply to these cards of inquiry, since the answering in any other fashion would prove too great a task. The regular visiting card may be used in this case, pencilling the words "With thanks for kind inquiries," or, "With thanks for the kind inquiries of Mrs. ——," beneath the engraved name; or cards especially engraved for the occasion may be substituted, thus: "Mrs. —— presents her sincerest thanks for recent kind inquiries." These may be sent by mail, but really should be carried by special messenger. Enclose in two envelopes. There is another method of acknowledging attentions during a period of bereavement, viz., the notice in the daily papers. This, however, does not usually meet with favor in large cities, but the example set by Mr. and Mrs. Secretary Blaine upon the death of their son, is, from its heartfelt pathos, worthy of imitation. The card appeared in all the Washington papers as follows:

"The sympathy of friends has been so generously extended to Mr. and Mrs. Blaine in the great grief which has befallen their household that they are unable to make personal response to each. They beg, therefore, that this public recognition be accepted as the grateful acknowledgment of a kindness that has been most helpful through the days of an irreparable loss."

Birth cards are frequently sent to all friends, at home and abroad, as soon as the child is named. One very pretty style now in mind read as follows: Ethel May Toucey, Half-past twelve o'clock, January 12, 1895. This was enclosed in two small envelopes and sent by mail. These are more especially useful for sending to friends at a distance.

Christening and Funeral Cards are considered in their respective departments. Families in deep mourning are not expected to send out return cards under the first year. Some prefer, however, to send cards of thanks very soon to those who have inquired, leaving ordinary visiting cards unanswered the usual length of time.

THE customs of society in regard to visiting or "calling," and the rules that govern these customs, are well worthy of our attention and care, since they in a great measure underlie and uphold the structure of our social life. No one, therefore, need consider these details trivial or of little account, since, according to Lord Chesterfield, "Great talents are above the appreciation of the generality of the world, but all people are judges of civility, grace of manner, and an agreeable address, because they feel the good effects of them as making society easy and pleasing."

Length of Visits.

Ceremonious visits should always be short, fifteen to twenty minutes being the outside limit, and a shorter time often sufficing. Even should the conversation become very animated, do not prolong your stay beyond this period. It is far better that your friends should regret your withdrawal than long for your absence. A lull in the conversation, a rising from her seat, or some pretext on the part of the hostess, or the arrival of a guest, all give an opportunity for leave-taking which should be made use of at once.

The Art of Leaving.

Cultivate the art of leaving; nothing will contribute more to your social success. It is said of so brilliant a woman as Madame de Staël-70- that she failed lamentably in this particular, and, on the occasion of her visit to Weimar, made with the avowed intention of intellectually captivating the literary lions of the age, Goethe and Schiller, she made one fatal mistake, she stayed too long! Goethe wrote to Schiller: "Madame de Staël is a bright, entertaining person, but she ought to know when it is time to go!" It is also evident from her own statement that she did not know how to go. She lingered after she had started, and if this were an unpardonable sin on the part of so marvelous a woman, it is surely a capital crime on the part of ordinary mortals.

The art of leaving is more thoroughly understood by men than by women. The necessities of business life teach the value of time, and the press and hurry of city circles teach them the art of leaving quickly, so that a social call on the part of a business man is a model of good manners. When he has "had his say" and politely listened to yours, he takes his hat, says "good day," and is gone from your presence without giving opportunity for those tedious commonplaces of mutual invitations and promises to come again which seem a social formula with so many women.

When Ready to Leave, Go at Once.

Never say, "I must go," but, when you have finished your visit and rise to depart, go! Never permit yourself to be drawn into touching upon any subject at this critical moment that will necessitate lengthy discourse for yourself and hostess, or force upon you the awkward alternative of reseating yourself to finish the conversation. There is always a certain awkwardness in thus repeating the ceremony of leave-taking which may be avoided by a quick and graceful departure that leaves both host and guest with feelings of the utmost amiability toward one another.

On the other side it is necessary that the host and hostess supplement this laudable endeavor on the part of their guests in order that the departure may be gracefully accomplished. Never detain the visitor, who is attempting to leave, by protests, by inquiries, or by the-71- introduction of new subjects. One writer very pertinently says: "The art of leaving on the part of the guest needs to be supplemented by the art of letting go on the part of the host."

First Calls.

There is, possibly, more difference of opinion on the subject of who shall make the first visit or call and when it shall be made, than almost any other point of etiquette. At the same time more importance is attached to it than to almost any other social question, and it touches more uniformly every phase of city or country life than any other canon of courtesy.

Neither neighborliness, nor good-Samaritan feeling, can exist without the civility of a call, and, when there is too great a hesitancy on the part of a resident to call upon the newcomer, one is reminded either of the priest or the Levite as they "passed by upon the other side," or is forced to recall the parvenue's dread of losing a footing in social circles.

Common sense and kindliness of heart are always to be relied upon in matters of this nature, and the initiative may safely be taken by those who have social position, age, or length of residence on their side. Of course in large cities the immense demands of social life give a certain immunity from anything like promiscuous calling to those whose circle of acquaintance has already grown beyond the limits of their time. In towns and villages, however, no such immunity exists, and a call may be easily made, or a card left, while, on the other hand, should the new acquaintance prove "pushing," or in any way obnoxious, one simply ceases to leave one's cards and the evil is done away with.

Many elderly ladies, and others whose time is very much occupied by social or other duties, excuse themselves from calling customs. Under such circumstances, they frequently send their cards, accompanied by an invitation, to newcomers younger in years, thus entirely omitting the personal visit. Such invitations, whether accepted or not, should be honored in the same manner as if preceded by a call.-72-

If two people meet pleasantly at a friend's house and wish to continue the acquaintance so begun, let them not hesitate, should none of the before-mentioned distinctions exist, as to which should make the first visit. Still, it is ofttimes wise not to call too hastily upon the newcomer, especially in cities, where it is well first to be properly introduced, and further still to have some assurance that your acquaintance is desired by them as well. As before stated, priority of residence, age, or pre-eminence in social position, should properly be upon the side of the one making the first advances. If none of these exist, let the braver of the two break the social ice.

The etiquette of summer resorts demands that the owners of cottages call first upon renters, and afterward that both unite in calling upon later comers and arrivals at hotels or boarding houses. Of course, such intercourse is simply for the pleasure of the time being, and carries with it no responsibility of recognition in the future, unless such recognition should be satisfactory to both parties. It would be well for the "summer girl" and the "summer young man" to remember this canon whereby "society" guards the doors of its exclusiveness, enjoy the "good that the gods give" and expect no more.

Substitute for First Call.

In continental countries, and in cosmopolitan Washington, newcomers make the first advances themselves, leaving cards with those whom they wish to number among their acquaintances. Every one returns these cards, and invitations flow in upon the aspirant for social honors. This custom, unfortunately, does not hold good anywhere else in this country, though a polite expedient is sometimes adopted by persons entering upon life in a new city. This consists in the newcomer sending out her cards for several reception days in a month. These may be accompanied, or not, by the card of some friend well known in social circles, if such she have, to serve as voucher. If not, she relies upon her own merits and sends out her cards unaccompanied. According to the varied authorities recommending this course of action, those rudely ignoring this suggestion-73- are few in number, and the lady is permitted at once to feel that she has commenced her social career.

Morning and Evening Visits.

Any visit made between the hours of twelve and six is to be looked upon as a morning visit, though there is a little difference in various cities with regard to the exact time. Where one expects to touch upon reception hours, from three to five is usually a safe limit. In country towns or the small cities, from two to five are the usual hours for paying visits. Evening visits should be made between the hours of eight and nine, and ordinarily should never extend in length beyond the hour of ten.

Sunday Visits.

Gentlemen are permitted to call upon lady friends, Sundays after church and Sunday evenings, business cares being their excuse for not availing themselves of the other days of the week. Of course, if there exists any known objection in the family to Sunday visiting all their friends are bound to respect it.

Reception Days.

If a lady have a known reception day, callers are bound, in common politeness, to make their visits, as far as possible, upon that day. If this is not done, either a card only should be left, or, if a personal visit is intended, particular instructions should be given to the servant to the effect that if "Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged she is not to trouble herself to come down." For which thoughtfulness, "Mrs. Brown," if she be a busy woman, and troubled with many social cares, will cordially thank you.

Unfortunately, it often happens that many of our friends have the same reception day, and one's own "day" may conflict with that of one's nearest friend, so that, where the circle of acquaintance is large, much good nature, a few apologies and a great many cards are needed to safely balance the social accounts.-74-

It is considered a rudeness to simply leave a card, when one happens to arrive upon a lady's reception day, without entering the room for a few moments' visit.

“Not at Home,” “Engaged.”

The simple and necessary formulæ of, "Not at home," or "Engaged," are more frequently questioned than any other social custom. Nevertheless their use is often a necessity, while, on the contrary, their abuse is to be regretted. No suspicion of an untruth need apply to either, for the phrase, "Not at home," is used with the accepted signification of, "Not at home, for the time being, to any visitors." If, however, conscience rebels against this so transparent fraud, there is always the alternative of "Engaged," which carries not the least suspicion of deception with it, but is somewhat less gracious to the ear.

Indeed, were it not for these safeguards, the woman of society must bid good-by to all opportunities for solitude, self-improvement, or the fulfillment of her own social duties.

The servant should be very carefully instructed each morning as to the formulæ to be employed through the day, or such portion of the day as the lady of the house shall require to herself. No lady, after a servant has informed her that the mistress of the house is "not at home," will question as to her whereabouts, or the probable length of her absence. If she should so far forget her dignity, the well-trained servant will answer all inquiries with a respectful, "I do not know, Madame," adding, if such be the case, "Mrs. Brown receives on Thursdays."

Should a servant show evident hesitation upon receiving your card, and say, "I will see if Mrs. Brown is in," enter the parlor, at the same time saying, "If Mrs. Brown is otherwise engaged, or going out, beg her not to trouble herself."

Never, except upon urgent necessity, insist upon pencilling a word or two upon a visiting card and sending it up, where a lady is "engaged," as a demand upon her attention. If a servant has said-75- the lady is "not at home," she has a perfect right to refuse the message.

In suburban towns and small cities, where reception days are not common, the lady of the house must be very careful how and when she denies herself to visitors. Indeed, in all cases much discrimination must be shown in this respect, as great inconvenience may result, and some injustice be done, by an indiscriminate denial. But, as before said, in towns, it is better, if possible, to receive guests. Even if no servant is kept, the mistress can usually, by the exercise of a little care, keep herself neat and presentable. If at any time some slight alterations are necessary to the toilet, let the interval thus employed be very short.

Some one has said that it would be well for a lady having a reception day to devote a part of the morning of the same day to business calls, and to instruct her servants to inform all comers of this custom.

Visiting List.

It is well for all ladies having a large list of acquaintances to keep a carefully revised visiting list to assist their memories as to addresses, names of persons to invite, reception days of acquaintances, and, if possible, a list of their own ceremonious visits for the season, noting those that have been returned. The time thus expended is amply repaid by the convenience of reference and the avoidance of the possibility of making a second visit when the first is unreturned. Also this list serves as a basis for the visiting list of the next season; those having failed to return calls or cards being dropped from the new list.

Visits Between Ladies and Gentlemen.

A gentleman, as a rule, should not ask a lady for permission to call upon her. It is very easy for her, if she desires his company, to say: "I receive Thursdays," or, "I shall be at home Monday." It is a great discourtesy for a gentleman not to call at the time mentioned, or in a very few days, after being thus invited by a lady. Some gentlemen, if simply asked to "call sometime," will ask, "when may I have-76- the pleasure of seeing you?" To this question a definite answer should be returned, if possible. Very young ladies do not thus invite gentlemen; the invitation coming from either father, mother, or chaperon.

A gentleman does not call upon a lady without some intimation of her wishes in the matter, unless he is the bearer of a letter of introduction, or is taken to her home by some friend sufficiently well acquainted to warrant the liberty. He may, however, seek an introduction through some mutual acquaintance.

Ladies may express regret at being out when a gentleman called; he also should regret the absence. If it should happen that a gentleman should call several times in succession and be so unfortunate as to miss the lady each time, it would be quite proper for her to write him a note, regretting her absence and appointing an evening when she would be at home for his next call. This would remove any feeling of annoyance on his part that perhaps her absence had been premeditated.

Gentlemen frequently call upon their married lady friends, doing so without the slightest appearance of secrecy and with full knowledge of all parties concerned. Indeed, the right of entrance to some of these pleasant home parlors is a great boon to the unmarried men of our cities. Ladies do not call upon gentlemen except professionally or officially, or, it may be, in some cases of protracted invalidism.

“Out of Society.”

It sometimes happens that a newly-married lady, or a newcomer in some city, through severe illness, a season of mourning, or devotion to home duties, finds herself, in a year or so, completely "out" of a society with which she had scarcely become acquainted. If she be timid and non-assertive, she will sink back dismayed at the prospect, but if energetic and aspiring, she will at once win her way back by giving a series of receptions, either formal or informal, to all her old-time friends; or, by entering into charities, or joining literary or musical clubs, she will quickly reinstate herself in the memory of society.-77-

Conduct of the Hostess.

A hostess does not necessarily advance to receive her guests, simply rising and moving forward a step in order to shake hands (if she should so wish), remaining standing till they are seated, and, if possible, keeping the latest comer near her side. Gentlemen should always permit the lady to make the first advance in the matter of hand-shaking. It is her prerogative.

As the guests depart, the hostess does not accompany each one to the door, but rising, remains standing until the guests have quite left the room, when it is to be supposed they will be met by a servant. In country towns the hostess usually accompanies the guest to the door, if there are others present, excusing herself to them and remaining out of the room but a moment.

Entertaining Callers.

Where there are several guests in the room at once the hostess should try to make the conversation general and pay equal attention to all, save that for a few moments, the latest arrival engages her more intimately, or some guest of great intellectual or artistic genius may be honored among the rest, as a lion of the hour.

If you should chance to find, at once, in your reception room, two friends with whom you are upon equal terms of intimacy, treat them with the most absolute impartiality, being demonstrative toward neither, for there is too much truth in the saying that "there is always a feeling of jealousy on the part of each, that another should share your thoughts and feelings to the same extent as themselves." There are other occasions where the same care against wounding their feelings should be observed.

If there should be any preference with regard to seats, one suggestion is that a lady should be seated on a couch or sofa, unless advanced in years, when she should be asked to accept an easy chair; an elderly gentleman should be treated in the same manner. If a young lady should be occupying a particularly comfortable seat, she must at once arise and offer it to an older lady entering the room.-78-

Should the hostess, upon the arrival of occasional visitors, be engaged upon work requiring any attention, she must at once relinquish it; but should it be light, ornamental, and not at all confining, she may continue it, if so requested. It would be well, however, to drop it at intervals, lest it appear as if there were more interest in the work than the visitor.

Refreshments are not offered to visitors unless it is a regular reception day with afternoon tea.

Conduct of the Guests.

If a visitor on entering the room finds that name or face has not been remembered by the hostess, let the difficulty be rectified by the guest pronouncing the name instantly and distinctly, the hostess, on her part, to remember names and faces. A bad memory is inconsistent with good manners. In very fashionable houses a servant announces the name of each guest as they enter, thus saving any confusion.

Should you find yourself ushered into a room where there are several inmates, all strangers, ask for the individual you wish to see and introduce yourself distinctly.

If your friend is at a hotel, wait in the parlor until the servant who carries up your card has returned to tell you whether you can be admitted. Never follow him as he goes to make the announcement. A little formality is the best preservative of friendship.

If, while you are paying a visit, other guests arrive, you should, providing your stay has been sufficiently long, arise so soon as they are quietly seated, make your adieus to your hostess, bow politely to the other inmates of the room and take your departure. If you should be calling upon a lady and meet a lady visitor in her drawing room, you should rise when that lady takes her leave.

The style of conversation should always be in keeping with the circumstances under which the visit is made. Common sense alone should teach us that where a short morning call is in question, light, witty and quickly-changed subjects only should be entered upon, the nature of the case plainly prohibiting discussions on many topics.-79-

Gentlemen are expected not to use classical quotations before ladies without a slight apology and a translation, unless they are aware that the lady's educational training has made it possible for her to appreciate them. It would be well if they would use the same courtesy toward other men not gifted like themselves. For a general maxim, it may be here recommended not to air one's classical learning unnecessarily, lest it savor of pedantry.

Guests should greet their hostess cordially, but a bow is usually sufficient to include the others present.

Young ladies visiting a strange city should not receive calls from a gentleman without requesting the privilege from their hostess, and hostess and daughters should be introduced to him. Always avoid the slightest appearance of seeming to use your friend's house for a rendezvous.

Deference to Ladies.

A gentleman rises when ladies leave the room. Ladies bow if it is a gentleman, rising if it is a lady acquaintance, or a lady much older than themselves. A gentleman rises when ladies enter a room, but never offers them his chair unless there should be no other in the room.

A gentleman carries his hat and cane into the drawing room with him in making a visit. His hostess should no more offer to relieve him of them that she would take fan and handkerchief from the hands of her lady guests. If he wears an outer coat he leaves that in the hall; if there should be no hall the hostess may ask him to put it on a chair or in another room. His hat and cane he either holds if he chooses, or places beside him on the floor, never on a chair or other article of furniture. If he intends spending the evening, he can, if he choose, leave hat and cane in the hall. Gentlemen should never bring friends with them to call upon ladies unless they have first received permission from them so to do.

After escorting a lady on the previous evening the gentleman should make a call upon her the following day, if possible. Gentlemen should not consult their watches during a ceremonious visit. If some-80- pressing engagement should render this necessary, they should offer both an apology and an explanation.

A gentleman, unless invited, should never seat himself beside his hostess, but should take the chair pointed out to him.

Gentlemen, in receiving other gentlemen, go to the door to meet them and furnish them with seats.

The man of the house should escort ladies to their carriage, should they call while he is at home. If it be raining or otherwise disagreeable, and they have their own coachman, they should, however, beg him not to trouble himself.

Gentlemen should decline an invitation to spend the evening when making a first visit; indeed, such an invitation should never be given.

A man is usually asked to repeat his visit by the mistress of the house, not by the daughters, or else it is given by their chaperon.

What Not to Do.

Do not, according to the author of "Don't," be in haste to seat yourself; one appears fully as well and talks better, standing for a few moments. A man should always remain standing as long as there are any women standing in the room. A man should never take any article from a woman's hands—book, cup, flower, etc.—and remain seated, she standing. This rule is an imperative one; he must always rise to receive it.

Do not take young children when making formal calls; the hostess will be in terror as to the fate of her bric-à-brac, and the mother in dread as to what her young hopefuls may say or do.

Do not take pet dogs with you into the drawing room. Their feet may be dusty, they may be boisterous in expressing their feelings, and besides, some people have a perfect aversion to dogs, so that your visit, thus accompanied, is likely to be far from pleasant.

Do not meddle with, nor stare at the articles in the room. Do not toss over the cards in the card receiver, if there be one, and, while your name is being announced, do not wander impatiently around the room handling everything within reach.-81-

Do not loll about in your chair, if a gentleman (a lady scarcely needs this caution), keep your feet squarely in front of you, not crossing them; ladies would do well to heed this also. Do not torment pet dogs or cats, or tease the children. Do not call the length of the room if you wish to address any one, but cross the room and speak to him quietly. Neither should you whisper to some one of the company, twist or curl your thumbs or hands, or play with the tassels on the furniture or window curtains, or commit any of the thousand and one blunders that mark the underbred and nervous visitor and render his presence an unwelcome trial.

There are a few other rules that would seem unnecessary to mention here were it not that they are so constantly sinned against. Among others it may be suggested not to do anything disagreeable in company. Do not scratch the head or use a toothpick, earspoon or comb; these are for the privacy of your own apartment. Use a handkerchief whenever necessary, but without glancing at it afterwards, and be quiet and unobtrusive in the action as possible. Do not slam the door, do not tilt your chair back to the loosening of its joints, do not lean your head against the wall, as it will soil the papering; in short, do unto others as you would be done by.

Do not tell long stories, more especially if they are about yourself; do not argue; do not talk scandal, and be sure not to attack the religious beliefs of any one present. Do study the chapter on the "Art of Conversation," and cultivate, as much as possible, that self-repose of manner that is, above all things, a sign of the lady or gentleman.

The Reception-Room.

The arrangement of the reception-room itself has much to do with the pleasure of the visitor. Who does not remember those delightful parlors where the guests dropped into pleasant conversational groups as by magic, and contrast them mentally with those other chilly apartments where a sort of mental frost seems to settle over one's faculties and incapacitate them for use. Much of this may be avoided by a judicious arrangement of chairs and couches, just where-82- people drop naturally into easy groups, or, for the time being, surround their hostess.

Propinquity is a great incentive to pleasant conversation, for there are few people that can talk the pretty nothings and sparkling witticisms, whereof parlor conversation properly consists, across space to people stranded against the opposite wall. Therefore let the hostess, who would have her symposiums remembered with delight, see to it that she has an abundance of chairs, both easy and light, easy ones for the refreshment of the weary in body and light ones that may be quickly moved when the spirit moves toward some other group.

A clever woman, to whom all social arts were long-solved problems, once said that she always observed how the chairs were left in a drawing room where several people had been sitting and put them in the same position next time. A group near the door where the casual caller will naturally drop into one and the hostess into another, without the least effort, will be placed in the best possible position for a little chat. Fulfill these conditions and your drawing room will be often filled and the fame of it will go abroad.

Formal calls, as a rule, are at best but a duty performed that brings a satisfaction in itself, but it sometimes happens that, as a reward for our well-doing, some word may be said, some friend may be met by a happy chance that is like a gleam of sunshine on a cloudy day.

THERE are certain rules to be observed in the writing of invitations that cannot be transgressed without incurring a just suspicion as to the degree of one's acquaintance with the laws and canons that govern our best society. For instance, Mrs. John Doe issues invitations for a ball or evening party; these, if issued in her own name or in the name of herself and daughter, or lady friend, would, very properly, find them "at home" on a certain evening. Should, however, the invitations be sent out in the name of herself and husband, then it is that "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe request the pleasure of Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe's company" at a certain date. We will also find that Mr. Dick Roe is never "at home," but "requests the pleasure of your company."

To widely depart from any of these received canons of etiquette is to commit a decided solecism and to discover an utter unfitness for the desired social rank. Fortunately, there is no need, even for those not to the manor born, of displaying any ignorance in this matter when the simple consultation of a standard work on social etiquette will give the needed information and save the credit of the individual.

At first sight, it would seem a very easy thing to invite a friend to come to you at a given day and hour, and to accept or decline said invitation would appear a matter scarcely worth considering. This rash conclusion, however, disappears from view when it is recollected that the proper phrasing, the suitable signature, and the appropriate-84- paper, are all matters of the nicest choice, and indicate with the most unerring accuracy the good or ill breeding of the parties interested.

From two to three persons only are invited from one family to the same entertainment, and, in the event of a small dinner party, two would be the limit. The invitations would be addressed, not to Mr. Coates and family, but one to "Mr. and Mrs. Coates," another to "The Misses Coates," or to "Miss Coates." If there are brothers, and they are to be invited, a separate invitation is required for each one of them; a single one addressed to the "Messrs. Coates" being considered in bad taste. To one son and one daughter a joint invitation may be extended in the name of "Miss Coates and Brother." On rather informal occasions where the family, and perhaps their guests also, are desired to be present, the invitation may be sent in the name of "Mr. and Mrs. James B. Coates and Party."

Note Paper for Invitations.

Note paper for invitations should be plain, unruled, heavy in texture, creamy-white in tint, and of a size to fold once to fit the large, square envelope of the same size and tint. Monogram, if used, or crests, if they may be rightfully claimed, should be stamped or embossed in white directly in the center of the upper portion of the sheet and on the upper flap of the inner envelope only. This envelope should bear the name simply of the invited guest, and is to be enclosed in a perfectly plain, somewhat larger envelope, which bears the entire address and protects the enclosure from the soil of frequent handling by postman or messenger.

Invitation Cards.

Invitation cards, if they are used, should be heavy, creamy-white, and of a size to fit the large, square envelope. Such a card is sufficiently large to contain any ordinary invitation, and should be enclosed, as above, in two envelopes.

Writing the invitation should receive the greatest care, especial attention being given to securing each phrase a line to itself. For instance, the names of host and hostess should never be separated,-85- but given an entire line, the same rule applying to the names of the invited guests.

Invitations written in the third person should always be replied to in the third person, care being taken to permit no change of person from beginning to end of the note. This rule holds good in whatever person the invitation may have been written; regrets or acceptances must be sent in the same manner.

No one, nowadays, "presents his (or her) compliments" in giving or accepting an invitation; neither is "your polite invitation" any longer the best form. "Your kind," or "your very kind invitation," being the most graceful manner of acknowledging the courtesy extended.

Written Regrets.

Always, if possible, accept a first invitation if the new acquaintance is to be kept up. In case inexorable circumstances prevent this acceptance, the regret sent should explain these circumstances fully and be very cordially written; while the earliest opportunity must be taken of extending some courtesy in return.

Even should you not desire the acquaintance, your regrets should be courteous and cards should be left at the house in response to their civility. It is then at your own option whether or not to acknowledge the acquaintance farther.

Invitations can be written or engraved on the large cards, or small sheets of note paper, that are used for this purpose, though, on all formal occasions, engraved forms in clear, fine script are preferable, and for weddings absolutely necessary. If written, black ink should be invariably used.

A young lady never sends out invitations in her own name; instead, "Mrs. and Miss Hoyt" are "at home," or the name of the young lady's chaperon appears with her own, as: "Mrs. Haviland and Miss Hoyt, at home, etc."

Uninvited Guests.

Should it so happen that an uninvited guest finds, accidentally, his way into the festivities, let the strictest politeness mark his reception,-86- neither word nor glance betraying the slightest surprise at the unexpected arrival.

Inviting Married People.

A married man should never be invited to an entertainment without his wife, nor a married woman without including her husband also in the invitation. An invitation erring in this particular should be looked upon as an insult, and should never be honored by an acceptance. This category, however, does not include gatherings, such as ladies' luncheons or gentlemen's game suppers, that are wholly confined to the members of one sex.

Dinners.

Ladies who give many dinner parties usually keep on hand the engraved invitation cards, with blanks left for the insertion of name and date. The invitation for a dinner party is always sent out in the name of both host and hostess, and the usual form is as follows:

M^r and M^rs Grant White
Request the pleasure of your company at dinner,
On —— evening, ——,
At eight o'clock.
81 Graceland Court.
R.S.V.P.

The letters R.S.V.P. are simply the initials of the French words, Repondez s'il vous plait, meaning, "Reply, if you please."-87-

Some very stylish people now use, in place of these letters, the English phrase: "The favor of answer is requested."

Written invitations, or those engraved for a single occasion, would read as follows:

M^r and M^rs Philip Vance
Request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Otis Sullivan's
Company at dinner,
On Tuesday, March 6th, at 8 o'clock.
34 Ashland Boulevard.
The favor of an answer is requested.

R.S.V.P. can be substituted for the last phrase, if desired. If the host be a widower with a young lady daughter, the invitation can be issued in the name of father and daughter, as: "Mr. and Miss Van Vleit, etc.," or, a lady and her daughter, under similar circumstances, would issue invitations in the name of "Mrs. Holt and Miss Holt."

Persons who make a point of strictly observing the usages of polite society are extremely careful, having received any invitation, to take immediate notice of it, according to proper form. This is only a courtesy due to the one who has sent the invitation, which should be accepted or declined promptly, in order that the hostess may know what to depend upon.

If the dinner party is given to introduce either a friend or some-88- person of distinction, an extra card, inscribed as follows, is enclosed in the same envelope: To meet Mr. ——. Another form would be:

Mr. and Mrs. Jackson
Request the pleasure of
Mr. and Mrs. Brown's
Company at dinner,
To meet Robert Browning,
Thursday, October 8th at seven o'clock.
692 Arch Street.
R.S.V.P.

It is well, if the party is given in honor of some celebrated person, to give them the choice of several dates before issuing the general invitation, thus assuring yourself that no conflicting engagement will rob the entertainment of its bright, particular star. An invitation to a dinner is the highest social compliment that can be offered. It should be sent out about ten days in advance, and requires an immediate and positive answer, for it is to be supposed that the hostess wishes to make up her table at once. Both invitation and answer should be sent by messenger; all other invitations, and replies to the same, may be sent by mail. In London, however, where distances are so great, all invitations, without exception, are sent by post.

In case of an informal dinner, a verbal invitation is sometimes sent, one or two days beforehand, by a servant, and a verbal answer is given at the time. The principal objection against this method is that the-89- date, having no written reminder, may be confounded with some other engagement. Where the affair is not too stately, an informal invitation, written in the first person, may be pleasantly exchanged between friend and friend. For instance:

My Dear Mrs. Roe:

My aunt, Mrs. LeFevre, of New York City, is here with me for a short stay, and Mr. Doe and I hope that you and Mr. Roe can give us the pleasure of your company at dinner, on Tuesday, October ninth, at seven o'clock, when, with a few other friends, we hope to pass a pleasant hour in your society.

Cordially yours,

Marian Doe

Mrs. Marian Doe, St. Caroline's Court.

Asking for Invitations.

Asking for invitations for one's visiting friends, while permissible on some occasions, such as requesting the favor of bringing a gentleman to a ball where dancing men are always at a premium, or an unexpected guest of your family to a reception or evening party, should never be resorted to when a dinner party is in question, for, to gratify the request would, in all probability, throw the whole of a carefully arranged table into disorder. This rule is only to be broken when the guest to be included is some really celebrated character whose addition to the company would compensate for the extra covers to be laid and the re-arrangements to be made before the unexpected guest can be accommodated. No one, however, should feel offense when a request of this nature is refused. The hostess, in all probability, had good and sufficient reasons for her course of action. Invitations for a married couple should never be requested.

Evening Parties, Balls and “At Homes.”

Invitations to these entertainments are issued in the name of the hostess only, and are sent out from ten days to two weeks in advance. Informal occasions, however, give very short notice, and it is well to use the word "informal" in the invitation, that guests may not put-90- themselves to inconvenience as regards dress. It must be remembered that this term is too often misleading in its nature, and many a sensitive guest has been seriously annoyed by finding herself, after a too literal interpretation of the "informal" character of the entertainment, in a crowd of gay butterflies, a misuse of the word that should be seriously protested against.

Invitations to evening parties and private balls are less elaborate than formerly; the word "party" or "ball" is never used unless on the occasion of some public affair, such as a charity ball, but any especial feature of the evening may be mentioned in the invitation.

To an evening party where dancing may, or may not, be a feature of the entertainment, the following, either engraved or written on a small sheet of note paper, is a very good form:

M^rs Stuyvesant Wentworth
Requests the pleasure of the company of
M^r and M^rs Mark Cowden,
On Wednesday evening, July 4th,
At nine o' clock.
Informal.

All invitations are to be considered as "formal" unless the word "informal" appears on the card. If the card states that the entertainment is to be "informal," the invited guest is fully justified in considering it so, and dressing accordingly. Neither host, hostess, nor other guests can take any exception if the invitation is treated just as it reads.-91-

If dancing is the feature of the evening, the same form may be used with the word "Dancing" added in the lower left hand corner. Or:

Mrs. John Burrows,
At Home,
Thursday evening, October first,
At nine o'clock.
1080 LeFrance Avenue.
Quadrilles at ten.

If the ball is at a public place, as at Delmonico's, in New York, the following form is appropriate, always making use, in case of so public an entertainment, of the host's name in connection with that of the hostess:

Mr. and Mrs. George Douglas
Request the pleasure of your company,
Thursday evening, December twelfth,
At nine o'clock.
Delmonico's.

Mr. and Mrs. Augustus Saltus,
Sanger Halle,
Wednesday evening, January twentieth.
German at nine.
R.S.V.P.

If any of these occasions are intended to introduce a débutante, her card may be enclosed. If they are given in honor of a friend, or some celebrated individual, the following form is appropriate:

Mrs. Henry Alexander
Requests the favor of your company on
Tuesday evening, October tenth,
From eight to eleven o'clock,
To meet the
Rev. Prof. Dr. Kemp,
Of the Princeton Theological Seminary.
684 West 49th Street.
R.S.V.P.

Or, if very formal, the name of the guest may be given first, as: To meet the Chief Justice of the United States and Mrs. Fuller. Mrs. Harold Courtright, At Home, from eight to eleven o'clock, Thursday, February seventh. R.S.V.P.

This same precedence may be given to the name of an honored guest in a dinner or other invitation. Still another form is where the name of the guest is written on a separate card, thus: To meet Mrs. Summerville. Enclose this in the same envelope.

For a club party the following may be used: The La Salle Club requests the pleasure of your attendance Wednesday evening, June eight, at nine o'clock. 555 West 51st Street. R.S.V.P.

A still more simple form for a party invitation is an "At Home" card filled out thus: Mrs. Don Carlos Porter, At Home, Tuesday evening, March fourth. 1021 Broadway. Cotillion at ten. R.S.V.P.

Masquerades.

The entire invitation for a masquerade may be engraved, or it may be written, with the exception of the word "Masquerade," which should be engraved on the card. For example:

Mrs. L.J. LeFevre
Requests the pleasure of your company,
Saturday evening, November twelfth,
At eight o'clock.
Masquerade.
R.S.V.P.
55 East Thirtieth Street.

Musicales, Soirées and Matinées.

Mrs. P.V. VanVechton,
At Home,
Tuesday, April second.
Music at half-past three.

Or: Mrs. P.V. VanVechton, At Home, Tuesday afternoon, April second, from half-past three to five o'clock. Matinée Musicale.

If the Musicale is to be an evening affair, and dancing is to follow the music, the following form of invitation may be used: Mrs. Herbert Hughes, At Home, Friday evening, January tenth, at eight o'clock. 200 Winchester Avenue. Music. Dancing at ten.

Precisely the same form is to be used in giving out invitations for a soirée, save that the word "soirée" is substituted for that of "Musicale" or "matinée musicale." It may be farther added that the term "matinée" applies exclusively to entertainments given in the morning, or at any time before dinner, a distinction to which our custom of late dinners gives a wide latitude, so that any entertainment up to eight o'clock in the evening may receive the name of matinée, notwithstanding the fact that drawn curtains and gas-lighted rooms may give all the semblance of night-time. "Soirée," however, is used only where an evening party of a semi-informal character is denoted.-95-

Garden Parties.

Precisely the same form of "At Home" cards can be used for these entertainments, substituting the words "Garden Party" in the left hand corner and sending them out some two or three days in advance. Or, if a more formal affair is intended, use the following: Mrs. Waite Talcott requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs. John Clay, on Monday, August fifth, at four o'clock. Garden Party. "The Oaks."

If it should be desirable to include the entire family in the invitation, the wording would be as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. John Clay and Party.
Mrs. Waite Talcott,
At Home,
Tuesday, August fifth, at four o'clock.
"The Oaks."
Garden Party.
R.S.V.P.
Carriages will meet the 3.40 train from Union Depot.

This clause to be added only when the party is to be given at some distance from the station. If preferred, these directions may be written on a separate small card and enclosed in the same envelope.

In this country we are not so accustomed to giving garden parties as people are in England, but a garden party may easily be made one of the most inviting and enjoyable of any.-96-

Breakfasts, Luncheons and Suppers.

Breakfast invitations may be engraved or written upon a lady's visiting card, thus:

M^rs George Norton.
Breakfast, Wednesday, at ten o'clock.
24 Euclid Avenue.

A written invitation is usually in the first person, and should read somewhat as follows:

Dear Mrs. Gracie:

I should be pleased to have the company of you and your husband at breakfast with us, Wednesday morning at ten o'clock.

Cordially yours,

Mrs. George Horton.

Gertrude Horton.

The invitations should be sent out a week or five days in advance, and should be answered at once.

Luncheons, in this country, are very apt to possess much of the formality of a dinner, and are written or engraved, according to the degree of stateliness that is to mark the occasion. Very formal invitations are sent out ten days or two weeks in advance, and are couched in precisely the same terms as a dinner invitation, save that the word "Luncheon" is substituted for "Dinner." Written invitations, also,-97- follow the same plan as those written for dinners, and are not usually issued more than a week or five days in advance. Some ladies use their visiting card, thus: Mrs. Frank E. Wentworth. Luncheon, Wednesday, at one o'clock.

A later hour, say two o'clock, is usually adopted for a more formal affair. Replies should be sent at once that the hostess may be enabled to make up her table.

Teas and “Kettledrums.”

Teas and "Kettledrums," High Tea and Afternoon Receptions, have come to bear a strong resemblance one to another, in fact to infringe so much upon the same territory that it is very difficult at times to distinguish between them sufficiently to apply the appropriate name. A simple affair is announced thus by those ladies who have a regular reception day: Mrs. John St. John. Thursdays. Tea at five o'clock. 40 West 49th Street.

Or: Mrs. John St. John. Five o'clock tea. Thursday, February fifth. 40 West 49th Street.

The words "kettledrum" or "afternoon tea" are not to be used, and these cards may be sent by mail, enclosed in a single envelope. They require no answer. Where the lady has not a regular reception day and wishes to give an afternoon tea, an engraved card, like the following, is usually sent out: Mrs. Arthur Merrill. Miss Merrill. Monday, February third, from four to seven o'clock. 274 Chestnut Street.

In case of the hostess having no one to receive with her, her name would appear alone upon the card. The name of any friend may take the place of a daughter's. Such an entertainment partakes more of the nature of an afternoon reception, or high tea. It may be adapted also to other occasions, such as the introduction to one's friends of a guest who is to make a prolonged stay, as for instance: Mrs. Arthur Merrill, At Home, Monday, December seventh, from one until seven o'clock. To meet Mrs. Frances Elmer. 55 Vine Street.

Invitations like this and the one just above are to be enclosed in-98- two envelopes, same as for dinners and sent out ten days or two weeks in advance.

Kaffee Klatsch.

This furnishes very much the same class of entertainment that is to be found at an afternoon tea, save that coffee is the predominating beverage. The invitation is precisely the same as for teas, simply substituting the words "Kaffee Klatsch."

Suppers.

For the evening supper, invitations are issued in some one of the forms presented for dinner parties, substituting the word "Supper." Answers should be returned at once.

Coming-out Parties.

These special festivities may take almost any form, so that the presentation of the blushing débutante may be at a dinner, ball, reception, evening party or afternoon tea; which latter custom has become very frequent of late. So much is this the case that it is somewhat to be reprehended as rendering afternoon teas too ceremonious in character. There is this in its favor, however; it relieves young girls from the strain incident upon a large party or ball. In some cases, the invitations preserve their usual form (whatever that may be) and the card of the débutante is enclosed in the same envelope. Even this distinction is sometimes wanting. Again, in the case of "At Homes" and "Teas," the name of the young lady is engraved beneath that of her mother; if it is the eldest daughter, the form would be: Mrs. Arthur Holt. Miss Holt.

A younger daughter, under the same circumstances, would pose as: Miss Edith May Holt.

Such cards do not need a reply, but the guest will remember to leave cards in the hall for the débutante as well as her mother or chaperon. It may be said here that, should it for any reason occur that the young lady is "brought out" under the wing of some friend instead of under her mother's care, the relative position their names-99- will occupy on the cards is precisely the same, as: Mrs. D.G. Haviland. Miss Holt.

Mrs. Arthur Holt
Requests the pleasure of introducing her daughter,
Edith May,
To
M^r and M^rs Ross Clark,
On Thursday evening, December fifth,
At nine o'clock.
28 St. Caroline's Court.
R.S.V.P.

This invitation, of course, implies a large evening party, reception or ball, and should be sent out ten days or two weeks in advance of the event.

Receptions.

Informal receptions and full-dress occasions of the same kind are announced somewhat differently. In the first case the affair partakes so closely of the nature of an afternoon tea that the same form of invitation is used: Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesday, October second, from four to seven.

If a series of receptions are planned the form would be: Mrs. Howard Post, At Home, Tuesdays in November, from four to six o'clock.-100-

Full-dress receptions are frequently given both afternoon and evening, sometimes in the evening only. Invitations to these should be engraved on square cards or note sheets, and sent out two weeks previous to the reception day. A very good form is:

Mrs. Jerome Hastings
Requests the pleasure of your company,
On Thursday, November twelfth,
From five until ten o'clock.
711 DuPage Street.
R.S.V.P.

If a daughter or a friend is to assist in receiving, the invitation should include her name also: Mrs. Jerome Hastings, Miss Hastings, At Home, Thursday, November twelfth, from five until ten o'clock. 711 DuPage Street.

When the reception is given by a gentleman, and its object is to enable his friends to meet some distinguished guest, the following form is used: Mr. Howard Post requests the pleasure of the company of Mr. Alonzo Metcalf to meet General E.L. Bates. Union League Club. 100 Cedar Street. R.S.V.P.

Though some prefer placing the name of the honored guest first, according to the form given under dinner invitations. The answer should be:

Mr. Alonzo Metcalf accepts with pleasure Mr. Howard Post's kind invitation to meet General E.L. Bates.

Weddings.

Wedding invitations are issued two weeks in advance, sometimes earlier to friends at a distance, in order that they may lay their plans accordingly. They are engraved in fine script on small sheets of cream note, and the form most used for church weddings is as follows:

Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle
Request the pleasure of your company
At the marriage of their daughter,
Guendolen
To
Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston
On Tuesday, June Eighteenth, 1895,
At half-past twelve o'clock,
Christ Church,
Binghamton.

There may or may not be a monogram on the sheet of paper, but, if used there, one to correspond must be placed on the inner envelope also. The envelope, however, may be stamped with a monogram and-102- the paper left plain, this latter style being much in favor. Where the wedding is in church, it is usually followed by an after-reception, cards for which are engraved in some similar form to the following: Reception from one until three o'clock, 107 Washington Street. Or: At Home after the ceremony. 107 Washington Street.

A still more ceremonious invitation to the reception may be issued in the parents' name, and in the usual form of similar invitations, as: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company at the wedding reception of their daughter, Guendolen, and Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston, Tuesday evening, June eighteenth, 1895, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street.

If there is reason to believe that the church will be crowded with uninvited guests, admission cards are engraved as follows: Christ Church. Please present this card to the usher. Tuesday, June eighteenth.

How Invitations are Sent.

Several of these cards are usually enclosed for distribution to friends of the invited and for the use of servants that have accompanied guests to the church. This custom is hardly necessary in country towns. All of the cards and the invitation are enclosed in one envelope superscribed with the name only of the person invited, and re-inclosed in another envelope bearing the full address. All formal invitations are to be enclosed in the two envelopes as above; less stately affairs requiring but one envelope; send by mail.

In England, wedding invitations are issued in the name of the mother of the bride only; here custom sanctions the use of the father's name as well. If the invitation is issued in the name of some other relative, then the word "granddaughter," "niece," etc., should be substituted for that of "daughter." If the future home of the young couple is decided upon, "At Home" cards also should be enclosed for all the invited guests that the bride desires to retain upon her visiting list. The following form is appropriate: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, Thursdays in September, from four until six o'clock. 48 Washington Street.-103-

Or, in place of designating especial days, it may read: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, after September first. 48 Washington Street.

Where the list of acquaintances is very large it sometimes happens that a portion of the guests are invited to the church only. When this is the case the reception card is omitted from the envelope; but if a visiting acquaintance is to be maintained, "At Home" cards must be enclosed.

Wedding Invitations.

The home wedding is, perhaps, less stately in appearance, but, involving as it does, less care on the part of friends and less nervous strain on that of the bride, is frequently adopted. The invitations are precisely the same as for a church wedding, merely inserting street and number in place of designating the church, omitting, of course, the card of admittance and that for reception. The "At Home" card of the newly-married couple should always be enclosed lest doubt as to their new address prove perplexing to their friends.

Sometimes, where life is to be commenced in their own home, the wedded pair, soon after their establishment therein, send out "At Home" cards for a few evenings after this style: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, At Home, Tuesday evenings in September, from eight to eleven o'clock. 48 Washington Street.

Gatherings such as these partake of the nature of semi-formal receptions and present a delightful opportunity for welcoming friends to the new home, and at same time arranging a visiting list for the season, no one receiving a card to these entertainments that is not to be honored with a place thereon. These invitations are to be sent out after the return from the bridal tour, and, when thus used, the first-given "At Home" card is omitted in sending out the wedding invitation.

If the wedding is to be a morning affair from the church, followed by a breakfast, the first given invitation is issued and the following engraved card enclosed in the same envelope: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company at breakfast, Tuesday, June twentieth, at half past twelve o'clock. 107 Washington Street.-104-

"At Home" cards and cards to the church should be enclosed as before. The time should be carefully arranged so that not more than half an hour is allowed to elapse between the ceremony at the church and the reception or breakfast at the house.

A home wedding with a breakfast simply sends out the ordinary wedding invitation, indicating the hour and giving the street and number.

Sometimes, at a home wedding, it is desired that no one but relatives or very particular friends should be present at the ceremony. Under these circumstances the usual invitations are issued. Then, for the favored few, ceremony cards are enclosed, on which the words are engraved: Ceremony at half past eight.

Where the wedding has been entirely private, the mother, or some other relative of the bride, frequently gives a reception upon the return home of the young couple, invitations to which are issued as follows: Mrs. Richard Earle, Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston. At Home, Wednesday, September first, from four to ten o'clock. 107 Washington Street.

For an evening reception the form is a little different: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle request the pleasure of your company, Thursday, September second, from nine to eleven o'clock. 107 Washington Street. Enclosing the card of Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston.

Announcement Cards.

Announcement cards, where the wedding has been strictly private, are sent out after the following style: Mr. and Mrs. Richard Earle announce the marriage of their daughter, Guendolen, to Mr. Egbert Ray Cranston, Tuesday, November nineteenth, 1895. 107 Washington Street.

The before-given "At Home" cards may be enclosed, or the necessary information conveyed by having engraved in the lower left hand corner of the sheet of note paper: At Home, after December first, at 48 Washington Street.-105-

Another form of announcement is also used: Egbert Ray Cranston. Guendolen Earle. Married, Tuesday, November nineteenth, 1895. Binghamton. With this form use "At Home" cards, or engrave the street and number in the lower left hand corner of the announcement card. This form is permissible in any case, but is more frequently employed where there are neither parents nor relatives to send out the announcement.

If the wedding should have taken place during a season of family mourning or misfortune, the bridegroom himself issues the following announcement: Mr. and Mrs. Egbert Ray Cranston, 48 Washington Street.

These cards are large and square, and in the same envelope with them is enclosed a smaller card engraved with the maiden name of the bride: Miss Guendolen Earle.

Wedding Anniversaries.

1885.
1890.
Wooden Wedding.
Mr. and Mrs. Theodore Grant,
At Home,
Thursday evening, December fifth, 1895,
At half-past eight o'clock.
263 East Thirteenth Street.

In sending out invitations for the various anniversaries that pleasantly diversify the years of a long wedded life, the simplest form will-106- always be found in the best taste. There are varied devices for rendering these invitations striking in effect, such as silvered and gilded cards for silver and golden weddings, thin wooden cards for the wooden wedding, etc., but good taste would indicate that none of these, not even gold and silver lettering (though this last is least objectionable of all), should be used. The large engraved "At Home" card, or the small sheet of heavy note paper, also engraved, are the most elegant.

“No Presents Received.”

The words, "No presents received," are sometimes engraved in the lower left hand corner of the note sheet, or card. A much-to-be-admired custom, since the multiplicity of invitations requiring gifts, is, in more cases than one, burdensome to the recipient.

Revise the Visiting List.

Now, that it has become the custom to engage the services of an amanuensis to direct the invitations for a crush affair by the hundred, it would be well for every hostess to frequently revise her visiting list, in order that the relatives of lately deceased friends may not be pained by seeing the dear lost name included among the invitations of the family; also, this care is necessary to remove the names of those who have recently departed from the city, and those whose acquaintance is no longer desired.

THE essence of all etiquette is to be found in the observance of the spirit of the Golden Rule. Perhaps in no one point is the "do unto others as ye would that they should do unto you," more applicable than in the prompt acknowledgment of either a formal or a friendly invitation. This acknowledgment may be either denial or assent, but whatever the form, it is requisite that the proffered courtesy should be answered by a prompt and decisive acceptance or refusal. This is a duty owed by an invited guest to his prospective host or hostess and one that should never be neglected.

Answering an Invitation.

In accepting or declining an invitation close attention should be paid to the form in which it is written and the same style followed in the answer. For instance: should the invitation be formal, the answer should preserve the same degree of formality; while a friendly invitation in note form should meet with an acceptance or regret couched in the same terms. Another rule to be rigidly observed is, that the acceptance or refusal must be written in the same person that characterized the invitation. For instance: if "Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith request the pleasure of the company of Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bronson at dinner, etc.," with equal stateliness "Mr. and Mrs. Joseph Bronson accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Algernon Smith." To do otherwise would imply ignorance of the very rudiments of social or grammatical rules.-108-

A friendly note of invitation, beginning somewhat after this fashion: "Mr. Smith and I would be pleased to have you and Mr. Brown, etc.," would be accepted or declined in the same fashion and person, as: "Mr. Brown and I accept with pleasure your kind invitation, etc." To answer such an invitation with a formal acceptance, or regret, written in the third person, as given above, would display profound ignorance of social customs.

An acceptance or regret, written in the first person, receives the signature of the writer, but one written in the third person remains unsigned. To sign it would produce a confusion of persons and be ungrammatical to the last degree. Another error to be avoided is that of beginning in this fashion: "I accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. John Jones," this also producing a change of person altogether inadmissible. Neither must one be betrayed into the mistake of using the words, "will accept," thus throwing the acceptance into the future tense, when, in reality, you do accept, in the present tense, at the moment of writing.

Accepting a Dinner Invitation.

Incumbent upon us as it is to answer the majority of our invitations in either the affirmative or negative, there are degrees of necessity even here, for, sin as we may in all other particulars, there is an unwritten code like unto the laws of the Medes and Persians which declareth that the invitations to a dinner are not to be lightly set aside. First, an invitation to a dinner is the highest social compliment that a host and hostess can pay to those invited, and, second, the guests are limited in number and painstakingly arranged in congenial couples by the careful hostess. Judge, then, of her disappointment, when, at the last moment, some delinquent sends in a hasty regret leaving little or no time to fill that terror of all dinner-givers, that skeleton at the feast, an empty chair. One such failure is sufficient to ruin the most carefully-arranged table and is an injury to host and hostess that only the occurrence of some unforeseen calamity can justify.-109-

In answering an invitation it is well to repeat the date, as: "Your kind invitation for Tuesday, May fifth." This will give an opportunity, if any mistakes have been made in dates, to rectify them at once. This caution it would be well to observe in answering any invitation.

Answer decisively as well as promptly. Do not, if there is a doubt as to your being able to attend, selfishly keep the lists open in your favor by suggesting that "You hope to have the pleasure," etc., or, if married, that "one of us will come." This is an injustice to those inviting you, who, to make a success of their entertainment, must know at once the number to be depended upon. Say "yes" or "no" promptly and abide by your decision. To do this will, in case of refusal, give time to fill your place at table.

Accepting a Dinner Invitation.

In accepting a dinner invitation the following form is very suitable. This, of course, presupposes that the invitation has also been written in the third person. (See Invitations.)

Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Pratt accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December fifteenth, at eight o'clock. 24 Abercrombie Street. Wednesday.

Mr. Fremont Miller has much pleasure in accepting the very kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December fifteenth, at eight o'clock. Union League Club. Wednesday.

To answer a formal invitation carelessly and familiarly is to show a degree of disrespect to the sender, but, if the invitation be in note form, first person, answer in same fashion, it being usually safe to follow the style of invitation in either accepting or refusing the proffered pleasure.

Never "present one's compliments" in response to an invitation. It is entirely out of date; neither should one say "the polite invitation of Mr. John Jones." All invitations are presupposed to be "polite."-111- "Your kind" or "very kind invitation" is a gracefully-turned and amply sufficient phrase for all occasions.

Declining a Dinner Invitation.

An unexplained regret is often (as before mentioned) wounding to the feelings of a sensitive person, leaving at times the impression that one did not care to come. This can always be avoided by particularizing the cause of refusal. A plea of expected absence, a previous engagement to dine elsewhere, a recent bereavement, or sudden illness in the family, are each of them good and sufficient reasons for non-acceptance and should always be mentioned. Thus, in reply to a formal dinner invitation, a "regret" might be sent in the following terms:

Mr. and Mrs. Harvey Patten sincerely regret that, owing to the sudden illness of their daughter Eleanor they will be deprived of the pleasure of accepting the very kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Paul Potter for dinner on Tuesday, December fifteenth. 24 Abercrombie street. Wednesday.

This form of refusal will be found suitable for all formal occasions, varying the name of the entertainment and the cause for non-acceptance to suit the circumstances.

Persons in Mourning.

Invitations to those in mourning should be sent as a matter of course, except during the first few weeks of deep bereavement, when their sorrows are not to be intruded upon by the gayeties of the outer world. After this first season of sorrow, invitations, which neither custom nor their own feelings permit them to accept, should be sent, that they may know that they are not forgotten in their solitude.

To these there is always given the privilege of declining all invitations without any specified cause therefor, their black-bordered stationery showing all too plainly the sad reason that prompted their refusal. They should then send their cards (black-bordered) by mail enclosed in two envelopes. These will take the place of a personal call and should be the same in number. It may be mentioned here-113- that while people in deep mourning are not usually invited to dinners or luncheons, it is customary for them to receive invitations to all weddings and other social gatherings, and though they may not accept, still it is gratifying for them to know that they are remembered in their seclusion.

Addressing the Answer.

The answer to an invitation should always be addressed to the person in whose name it is sent. If "Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe request the pleasure," etc., address the answer to "Mr. and Mrs. Richard Roe." If "Mrs. Richard Roe is At Home" on a certain date, address the reply to her alone. In case of wedding invitations, address all answers to the parents of the bride, in whose name they are sent out, never to the bride, although she may be your only personal acquaintance in the family, the civility being due to the issuers of the invitation. This is customary in the case of all invitations.

Wedding Invitations.

Wedding invitations are usually thought to require no answer unless it be to a sit-down wedding breakfast. In this case the same exactness in reply and the same form is demanded as for a dinner invitation. If the invitation is extended to friends at a distance and presupposes an intention to entertain the recipients for any length of time, the obligation for speedy reply is equally necessary.

If the invitation is given by an informal note, as is the case with some very quiet weddings, an answer must always be returned and in the same note form. This attention is demanded by courtesy.

To a large crush wedding a regret, accompanied or not by a gift, may be sent if desired; an acceptance is not necessary. Where the invitations are to the church only, they are amply answered by sending or leaving cards at the house. To receive a card stating that the wedded pair will be "At Home" on certain dates, means that they desire to continue their acquaintance with the parties thus invited, who should either call in person or send cards promptly.-114-

Wedding Anniversaries.

Anniversary invitations require an answer, thus giving a very pleasant opportunity for congratulating the happy couple. The following forms are suitable:

Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings accept with pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October tenth, and present their warmest congratulations on their Silver Wedding Anniversary. 45 Church Street. Thursday.

Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Cummings sincerely regret that, owing to an unexpected absence from town, they are unable to accept the very kind invitation of Mr. and Mrs. Kennet Wade for Thursday evening, October tenth, but beg to present to them their warmest congratulations on this occasion of their Silver Wedding Anniversary. 24 Church Street. Wednesday.

The same formulæ in answering will apply to any of the anniversary festivities.

Theater and Opera Parties.

These parties are frequently made up on rather short notice and the invitations are then sent to the house by special messenger who awaits the reply, which must be written at once, that the lady or gentleman giving the entertainment may be sure of a certain number to fill the box or stalls, engaged for the evening. Occasionally, when the party is given by a gentleman, he takes a carriage and gives out the invitations in person when a verbal answer is returned.

Luncheons and Suppers.

Invitations for these are written in the same form as for a dinner, merely substituting the word "luncheon" or "supper" for "dinner," and should be accepted or refused in precisely the same style. Answers also should be sent with the same promptness that the hostess may be certain of arranging her table satisfactorily.-115-

Other Invitations.

Other invitations, aside from those already specified in this department, scarcely demand an answer, except they bear the words: "The favor of an answer is requested," or the initials, "R.S.V.P." Simple "at home" affairs never need an answer, though cards must always be sent, or left in person, immediately afterward. Garden parties, where they are held at any distance from the city and carriages are to be sent to convey the guests thither, always require an answer; this, however, is usually indicated upon the card.

Refusing After Acceptance.

Should it unfortunately occur, after accepting an invitation, that, by one of the sorrowful happenings so often marring our best laid plans, we are prevented from fulfilling our promise, let the regret sent be prompt, that your hostess, especially if the entertainment be a dinner or luncheon may possibly, even at the eleventh hour, be able to supply the vacancy. Make it explanatory as well, that she may feel positive that no mere whim has caused the disarrangement of her plans.

What Not to Do.

Never write the word "accepts," "regrets" or "declines" upon your visiting card and send in lieu of a written note. To do so is not only an insult to your hostess but a mark as well of your own ill-breeding. An invitation, which is always an honor and implies the best that your host is able to offer, should always receive the courtesy of a civil reply.

“COURTSHIP," according to Sterne, "consists in a number of quiet attentions, not so pointed as to alarm, nor so vague as not to be understood."

In this little quotation lies the spirit and the letter of all etiquette regarding courtship. The passion of love generally appearing to everyone save the man who feels it, so entirely disproportionate to the value of the object, so impossible to be entered into by any outside individual, that any strong expressions of it appear ridiculous to a third person. For this reason it is that all extravagance of feeling should be carefully repressed as an offense against good breeding.

Man was made for woman, and woman equally for man. How shall they treat each other? How shall they come to understand their mutual relations and duties? It is lofty work to write upon this subject what ought to be written. Mistakes, fatal blunders, hearts and lives wrecked, homes turned into bear-gardens, tears, miseries, blasted hopes, awful tragedies—can you name the one most prolific cause of all these?

If our young people were taught what they ought to know—if it were told them from infancy up—if it were drilled into them and they were made to understand what now is all a mystery to them—a dark, vague, unriddled mystery—hearts would be happier, homes would be brighter, lives would be worth living and the world would be better.

This is now the matter—matter grave and serious enough—which we have in hand. There are gems of wisdom founded on health, morality, happiness, which should be put within reach of every household in our whole broad land. It is a most important, yet neglected subject. People are squeamish, cursed with mock modesty, ashamed to speak with their lips what their Creator spoke through their own minds and bodies when he formed them. It is time such nonsense—nonsense shall we say?—rather say it is time such fatal folly were withered and cursed by the sober common sense and moral duty of universal society.

Courtship! Its theme, how delightful! Its memories and associations, how charming! Its luxuries the most luxurious proffered to mortals! Its results how far reaching, and momentous! No mere lover's fleeting bauble, but life's very greatest work! None are equally portentous, for good and evil.

Errors of Love-Making.

God's provisions for man's happiness are boundless and endless. How great are the pleasures of sight, motion, breathing! How much greater those of mind! Yet a right love surpasses them all; and can render us all happier than our utmost imaginations can depict; and a wrong more miserable.

Right love-making is more important than right selection; because it affects conjugal life for the most. Men and women need knowledge concerning it more than touching anything else. Their fatal errors show their almost universal ignorance concerning it. That most married discords originate in wrong love-making instead of selection, is proved by love usually declining; while adaptation remains the same.

Right courtship will harmonize natural discordants, much more concordants, still more those already in love; which only some serious causes can rupture. The whole power of this love element is enlisted in its perpetuity, as are all the self-interests of both. As nature's health provisions are so perfect that only its great and long-continued-118- outrage can break it; so her conjugal are so numerous and perfect that but for outrageous violation of her love laws all who once begin can and will grow more and more affectionate and happy every day.

Any man who can begin to elicit any woman's love, can perfectly infatuate her more and more, solely by courting her right; and all women who once start a man's love—no very difficult achievement—can get out of him, and do with him, anything possible she pleases. The charming and fascinating power of serpents over birds is as nothing compared with that a woman can wield over a man, and he over her. Ladies, recall your love hey-day. You had your lover perfectly spell-bound. He literally knew not what he did or would do. With what alacrity he sprang to indulge your every wish, at whatever cost, and do exactly as you desired! If you had only courted him just right, he would have continued to grow still more so till now. This is equally true of a man's power over every woman who once begins to love him. What would you give to again wield that same bewitching wand?

How to Carry on Courtship.

Intuition, our own selfhood, is nature's highest teacher, and infallible; and tells all, by her "still, small voice within," whether and just wherein they are making love right or wrong. Every false step forewarns all against itself; and great is their fall who stumble. Courtship has its own inherent consciousness, which must be kept inviolate.

Then throw yourself, O courting youth, upon your own interior sense of propriety and right, as to both the beginning and conducting of courtship, after learning all you can from these pages, and have no fears as to results, but quietly bide them, in the most perfect assurance of their happy eventuality!

"What can I do or omit to advance my suit? prevent dismissal? make my very best impression? guarantee acceptance? touch my idol's heart? court just right?" This is what all true courters say.

Cultivate and manifest whatever qualities you would awaken. You inspire in the one you court the precise feeling and traits you yourself-119- experience. This law effects this result. Every faculty in either awakens itself in the other. This is just as sure as gravity itself. Hence your success must come from within, depends upon yourself, not the one courted.

Study the specialties, likes and dislikes in particular, of the one courted, and humor and adapt yourself to them.

Be extra careful not to prejudice him or her against you by awakening any faculty in reverse. Thus whatever rouses the other's resistance against you, antagonizes all the other faculties, and proportionally turns love for you into hatred. Whatever wounds ambition reverses all the other feelings, to your injury; what delights it, turns them in your favor. All the faculties create, and their action constitutes human nature; which lovers will do right well to study. To give an illustration:

A Case to the Point.

An elderly man with points in his favor, having selected a woman eighteen years younger, but most intelligent and feminine, had two young rivals, each having more points in their favor, and came to his final test. She thought much of having plenty of money. They saw they could "cut him out" by showing her that he was poor; she till then thinking his means ample. All four met around her table, and proved his poverty. His rivals retired, sure that they had made "his cake dough," leaving him with her. It was his turning-point. He addressed himself right to her affections, saying little about money matters, but protesting an amount of devotion for her to which she knew they were strangers; and left his suit right on this one point; adding:

"You know I can make money; know how intensely I esteem, admire, idolize, and love you. Will not my admitted greater affection, with my earnings, do more for you than they with more money, but less love?"

Her clear head saw the point. Her heart melted into his. She said "yes." He triumphed by this affectional spirit alone over their much greater availability.-120-

Manifesting the domestic affections and virtues, a warm, gushing friendly nature, fondness for children and home, inspires a man's love most of all, while evincing talents by a man peculiarly enamors woman.

Relations, you shall not interfere, where even parents may not. Make your own matches, and let others make theirs; especially if you have bungled your own. One such bungle is one too many.

The parties are betrothed. Their marriage is "fore-ordained" by themselves, its only rightful umpires, which all right-minded outsiders will try to promote, not prevent. How despicable to separate husbands and wives! Yet is not parting those married by a love-spirit, equally so? Its mere legal form can but increase its validity, not create it. Marriage is a divine institution, and consists in their own personal betrothal. Hence breaking up a true love-union before its legal consummation, is just as bad as parting loving husband and wife; which is monstrous. All lovers who allow it are its wicked partakers.

Choice of Associates.

The first point to be considered on this subject is a careful choice of associates, which will often, in the end, save future unhappiness and discomfort, since, as Goldsmith so truthfully puts it, "Love is often an involuntary passion placed upon our companions without our consent, and frequently conferred without even our previous esteem."

This last most unhappy state of affairs may, to a great extent, be avoided by this careful choosing of companions. Especially is this true on the part of the lady, since, from the nature and constitution of society, an unsuitable acquaintance, friendship, or alliance, is more embarrassing and more painful for the woman than the man. As in single life an undesirable acquaintance is more derogatory to a woman than to a man, so in married life, the woman it is who ventures most, "for," as Jeremy Taylor writes, "she hath no sanctuary in which to retire from an evil husband; she may complain to God as do the subjects of tyrants and princes, but otherwise she hath no appeal in the causes of unkindness."-121-

First Steps.

To a man who has become fascinated with some womanly ideal, we would say, if the acquaintanceship be very recent, and he, as yet, a stranger to her relatives, that he should first consider in detail his position and prospects in life, and judge whether or not they are such as would justify him in striving to win the lady's affections, and later on her hand in marriage. Assured upon this point, and let no young man think that a fortune is necessary for the wooing of any woman worth the winning, let him then gain the needful introductions through some mutual friend to her parents or guardians.

If, on the other hand, it is a long acquaintance that has ripened into admiration, this latter formality will be unnecessary.

As to the lady, her position is negative to a great extent. Yet it is to be presumed that her preferences, though unexpressed, are decided, and, if the attentions of a gentleman are agreeable, her manners will be apt to indicate, in some degree, the state of her mind.

Prudence, however, does, or should, warn her not to accept too marked attentions from a man of whose past life she knows nothing, and of whose present circumstances she is equally ignorant.

Character.

There is one paramount consideration too often overlooked and too late bewailed in many a ruined home, and that is the character of the man who seeks to win a woman's hand. Parents and guardians cannot be too careful in this regard, and young women themselves should, by refusing such associates, avoid all danger of contracting such ties. Wealth, nor family rank, nor genius, availeth aught if the character of the man be flawed.

Let parents teach their daughters and let girls understand for themselves that happiness, or peace, in married life is impossible where a man is, in any wise, dissipated, or liable to be overcome by any of the fashionable vices of the day. Better go down to your grave a "forlorn spinster" than marry such a man.-122-

Disposition.

As to temper or disposition, the man or woman can easily gain some insight into the respective peculiarities of another's temperament by a little quiet observation. If the gentleman be courteous and careful in his attentions to his mother and sisters, and behave with ease and consideration toward all women, irrespective of age, rank, or present condition, she may feel that her first estimate was a correct one. On the other hand, should he show disrespect toward women as a class, sneer at sacred things, evince an inclination for expensive pleasures in advance of his means, or for low amusements or companionship; be cruel to the horse he drives, or display an absence of all energy in his business pursuits, then is it time to gently, but firmly, repel all nearer advances on his part.

As to the gentleman, it will be well for him also to watch carefully as to the disposition of the lady and her conduct in her own family. If she be attentive and respectful to her parents, kind and affectionate toward her brothers and sisters, not easily ruffled in temper and with inclination to enjoy the pleasures of home; cheerful, hopeful and charitable in disposition, then may he feel, indeed, that he has a prize before him well worth the winning.

If, however, she should display a strong inclination towards affectation and flirtation; be extremely showy or else careless in her attire, frivolous in her tastes and eager for admiration, he may rightly conclude that very little home happiness is to be expected from her companionship.

Trifling.

A true gentleman will never confine his attentions exclusively to one lady unless he has an intention of marriage. To do so exposes her to all manner of conjecture, lays an embargo on the formation of other acquaintances, may very seriously compromise her happiness, and by after withdrawal frequently causes her the severest mortification. Hence a gentleman with no thought of marriage is in honor bound to make his attentions to ladies as general as possible.-123-

Still more reprehensible is the conduct of the man who insinuates himself into the affections of a young girl by every protestation and avowal possible, save that which would be binding upon himself, and then withdraws his attentions with the boastful consciousness that he has not committed himself.

Again, the young lady who willfully, knowingly, deliberately, draws on a man to place hand and heart at her disposal simply for the pleasure of refusing him and thus adding one more name to her list of rejected proposals, is utterly unworthy the name of woman.

Etiquette of Making and Receiving Gifts.

On the question of gifts there is a point of etiquette to be observed. Gentlemen, as a rule, do not offer ladies presents, save of fruits, flowers, or confections; which gifts, notwithstanding that a small fortune may be lavished upon their purchase, are supposed, in all probability from their perishable character, to leave no obligation resting upon the lady.

Should the conversation, however, turn upon some new book or musical composition, which the lady has not seen, the gentleman may, with perfect propriety, say, "I wish that you could see such or such a work and, if you will permit, I should be pleased to send you a copy." It is then optional with the lady to accept or refuse.

Should a gentleman persist in offering other gifts there must be no secrecy about it. She should take early opportunity of saying, in the presence of her father and mother, "I am very much obliged to you for that ring, pin (or other gift) which you were so kind as to offer me the other day, and I shall be happy to accept it if Papa or Mamma does not object." If the lady is positive in her objections to receiving gifts, it is easy to say, "I thank you for the kindness but I never take expensive presents;" or, "Mamma never permits me to accept expensive presents." These refusals are always to be taken by the gentleman in good part. Where a present has been unadvisedly accepted, it is perfectly proper for the mother to return it with thanks, saying, "I think my daughter rather young to accept such expensive gifts."-124-

After an engagement is formally made the etiquette of gifts is somewhat altered, though even then expensive presents, unless it be the engagement ring, are not in the best taste. These should be reserved for the marriage gifts.

Proposals of Marriage.

The proposal itself is a subject so closely personal in its nature that each man must be a law unto himself in the matter, and time and opportunity will be his only guides to success, unless, mayhap, his lady-love be the braver of the two and help him gently over the hardest part, for there be men and men; some who brook not "no" for an answer, and some that a moment's hesitation on the part of the one sought would seal their lips forever.

A woman must always remember that a proposal of marriage is the highest honor that a man can pay her, and, if she must refuse it, to do so in such fashion as to spare his feelings as much as possible. If she be a true and well-bred woman, both proposal and refusal will be kept a profound secret from every one save her parents. It is the least balm she can offer to the wounded pride of the man who has chosen her from out all women to bear his name and to reign in his home. A wise woman can almost always prevent matters from coming to the point of a declaration, and, by her actions and her prompt acceptance of the attentions of others, should strive to show the true state of her feelings.

A gentleman should usually take "no" for an answer unless he be of so persevering a disposition as to be determined to take the fort by siege; or unless the "no" was so undecided in its tone as to give some hope of finding true the poet's words:

On the gentleman's part, a decided refusal should be received as calmly as possible, and his resolve should be in no way to annoy the cause of all his pain. If mere indifference be or seem to be the origin of the refusal, he may, after a suitable length of time, press his suit-125- once more; but if an avowed or evident preference for another be the reason, it becomes imperative that he should at once withdraw from the field. Any reason that the lady may, in her compassion, see fit to give him as cause for her refusal, should ever remain his inviolable secret.

As whatever grows has its natural period for maturing, so has love. At engagement you have merely selected, so that your familiarity should be only intellectual, not affectional. You are yet more acquaintances than companions. As sun changes from midnight darkness into noonday brilliancy, and heats, lights up, and warms gradually, and as summer "lingers in the lap of spring;" so marriage should dally in the lap of courtship. Nature's adolescence of love should never be crowded into a premature marriage. The more personal, the more impatient it is; yet to establish its Platonic aspect takes more time than is usually given it; so that undue haste puts it upon the carnal plane, which soon cloys, then disgusts.

Unbecoming Haste.

Coyness and modesty always accompany female love, which involuntarily shrink from close masculine contact until its mental phase is sufficiently developed to overrule the antagonistic intimacies of marriage.

Besides, why curtail the luxuries of courtship? Should haste to enjoy the lusciousness of summer engulf the delights of spring? The pleasures of courtship are unsurpassed throughout life, and quite too great to be curtailed by hurrying marriage. And enhancing or diminishing them redoubles or curtails those of marriage a hundredfold more. A happy courtship promotes conjugal felicity more than anything else whatever. A lady, asked why she didn't marry, since she had so many making love to her, replied: "Because being courted is too great a luxury to be spoilt by marrying."

No man should wait to make his pile. Two must acquire a competence conjointly, in order fully to really enjoy it together. This alone can give full zest to whatever pleasures it produces.-126-

A formal proffer of marriage naturally follows a man's selection and decision as to whom he will marry. Consent to canvass their mutual adaptations implies consent to marry, if all is found satisfactory; yet a final test and consummation now become necessary, both to bring this whole matter to a focus, and allow both to state, and obviate or waive, those objections which must needs exist on both sides; including any improvements possible in either.

How to Deal with Objections.

The best time to state and waive or remove all objections, seeming and real, not already adjusted, is at his proposal, and her acceptance. A verbal will do, but a written is much better, by facilitating future reference. A long future awaits their marriage; hence committing this its initial point to writing, so that both can look back to it, is most desirable. And he can propose, and she accept, much better when alone, and they have all their faculties under full control, than verbally, perhaps, when excited. Those same primal reasons for reducing all other contracts to writing obtain doubly in reference to marriage.

You who fear awkwardness on paper, remember that true human nature always appears well, even when poorly dressed. A diamond is no less brilliant because set in clay. Mode is nothing, reality everything. All needed to appear well is to feel right, and express naturally what is felt. Saying plainly what you have to say, is all required.

The acceptance or rejection should also be unequivocal, or any contingencies stated, and waived if minor, but if they can neither be obviated nor compromised, should terminate their relations, that both may look elsewhere. If any bones of contention exist, now is the time to inter them finally, and to take the initiatory steps for perfecting both in each other's eyes. Bear in mind that as yet your relations are still those of business merely, because neither has acquired or conceded any right to love or be loved. Without pretending to give model letters of proposal, acceptance, or rejection, because varying circumstances will vary each ad infinitum, the following may serve as samples from which to work:-127-

"Much Esteemed Friend: As we have agreed to canvass our mutual adaptations for marriage, and my own mind is fully made up, a final decision now becomes necessary.

"What I have learned of and from you confirms that high opinion of you which prompted my selection of you, and inspires a desire to consummate it. Your pleasing manner and mode of saying and doing things; your intelligence, taste, prudence, kindness, and many other excellencies, inspire my highest admiration.

"Will you let me love what I so much admire?

"But my affections are sacred. I can bestow them only on one who reciprocates them; will bestow them upon you, if you will bestow yours on me; not otherwise; for only mutual love can render either happy. I can and will love you alone, with all my heart, provided you can and will love only me, with all of yours. Do you accord me this privilege, on this condition, for life, forever? I crave to make you my wife; to live with and for you, and proffer you my whole being, with honest, assiduous toil, fidelity to business, what talents I possess, and all I can do to contribute to your creature comforts. Do you accord me this privilege, on this condition? May I enshrine you as queen of my life?

"Say wherein you find me faulty, or capable of improvement in your eyes, and I will do my utmost, consistently with my conscience, to render myself worthy and acceptable to you.

"I wish some things were different in you—that you had better health, arose earlier, were less impulsive, knew more about keeping house, etc.; yet these minor matters sink into insignificance in comparison with your many excellences, and especially that whole-souled affection obviously inherent in you.

"Deliberate fully, for this is a life affair, and if, in order to decide judiciously, you require to know more of me, ask me, or —— and ——. Please reply as soon as you can well decide.

"Decline unless you accept cordially, and can love me truly and wholly; but if you can and will reciprocate my proffered affection, say yes, and indicate your own time and mode of our marriage. Meanwhile, with the highest regards, I am, and hope ever to remain,

"Yours truly,

"A.B."

A true woman could give a better answer than the following, which does not claim to be a model. It is hardly time yet for a gushing-128- love-letter, or we would not profane this sacred subject by making the attempt; yet should like to receive one in spirit somewhat as follows:

"Dear Sir: Your proffer of your hand and heart in marriage has been duly received, and its important contents fully considered.

"I accept your offer: and on its only condition, that I reciprocate your love, which I do completely; and hereby both offer my own hand and heart in return, and consecrate my entire being, soul and body, all I am and can become, to you alone; both according you the 'privilege' you crave of loving me, and 'craving' a like one in return.

"Thank Heaven that this matter is settled; that you are in very deed mine, while I am yours, to love and be loved by, live and be lived with and for; and that my gushing affections have a final resting-place on one every way so worthy of the fullest reciprocal sympathy and trust.

"The preliminaries of our marriage we will arrange whenever we meet, which I hope may be soon. But whether sooner or later, or you are present or absent, I now consider myself as wholly yours, and you all mine; and both give and take the fullest privilege of cherishing and expressing for you that whole-souled love I find even now gushing up and calling for expression. Fondly hoping to hear from and see you soon and often, I remain wholly yours forever,

"C.D."

Sealing the Vow.

The vow and its tangible witnesses come next. All agreements require to be attested; and this as much more than others as it is the most obligatory. Both need its unequivocal and mutual mementos, to be cherished for all time to come as its perpetual witnesses. This vow of each to the other can neither be made too strong, nor held too sacred. If calling God to witness will strengthen your mutual adjuration, swear by Him and His throne, or by whatever else will render it inviolable, and commit it to writing, each transcribing a copy for the other as your most sacred relics, to be enshrined in your "holy of holies."

Two witnesses are required, one for each. A ring for her and locket for him, containing the likeness of both, as always showing how they now look, or any keepsake both may select, more or less valuable, to be handed down to their posterity, will answer.-129-

Your mode of conducting your future affairs should now be arranged. Though implied in selection, yet it must be specified in detail. Both should arrange your marriage relations; say what each desires to do, and have done; and draw out a definite outline plan of the various positions you desire to maintain towards each other. Your future home must be discussed: whether you will board, or live in your own house, rented, or owned, or built, and after what pattern; or with either or which of your parents. And it is vastly important that wives determine most as to their domiciles; their internal arrangements, rooms, furniture, management; respecting which they are consulted quite too little, yet cannot well be too much.

Family rules, as well as national, state, corporate, financial, must be established. They are most needed, yet least practiced in marriage. Without them, all must be chaotic. Ignoring them is a great but common marital error. The Friends wisely make family method cardinal.

A Full Understanding.

Your general treatment of each other now especially requires to be mutually agreed upon. Each should say, "I should like to treat and be treated by you thus, but not so; and let you do this but not that;" and both mutually agree on a thousand like minor points, better definitely arranged at first than left for future contention; each making requisitions, conceding privileges, and stipulating for any fancies, idols, or "reserved rights."

Differences must needs arise, which cannot be adjusted too soon. Those constitutionally inherent in each should be adjusted in love's early stages; it matters less how, than whether to your mutual satisfaction. Or if this is impossible, "agree to disagree;" but settle on something.

A concessionary spirit is indispensable, and inheres in love. Neither should insist, but both concede, in all things; each making, not demanding sacrifices. The one who loves most will yield to oblige most. What course will make both happiest should overrule all your mutual relations.-130-

Write down and file all. Your present decisions, subject to mutual changes and amendments, will become more and more important for future reference, as time rolls on, by enabling each to correct both; for our own changes make us think others have changed. A mutual diary is desirable; for incidents now seemingly trivial, may yet become important.

Important Trifles.

See or correspond with each other often. Love will not bear neglect. Nothing kills it equally. In this it is most exacting. It will not, should not, be second in anything. "First or nothing," is its motto. Meet as often as possible. After its fires have once been lit, they must be perpetually resupplied with their natural fuel; else they die down, go out, or go elsewhere; and are harder to rekindle than to light at first.

A splendid young man, son of one of New England's most talented and pious divines, endowed with one of the very best of organisms, physical and phrenological, having selected his mate, and plighted their mutual vows, being the business manager of a large manufactory, and obliged to defend several consecutive lawsuits for patent-right infringements, neglected for weeks to write to his betrothed, presupposing, of course, that all was right. This offended her ladyship, and allowed evil-minded meddlers to sow seeds of alienation in her mind; persuade her to send him his dismissal, and accept a marriage proposal from another.

As he told his mournful story, he seemed like a sturdy oak riven by lightning and torn by whirlwinds; its foliage scorched, bark stripped, limbs tattered, even its very rootlets scathed; yet standing, a stern, proud, defiant, resolute wreck. A gushing tear he manfully tried but failed to suppress. His lips quivered and voice faltered. Perceiving his impending fate, he seemed to dread his future more than present; and hesitated between self-abandonment, and a merely mechanical, objectless, business life. In attempting his salvation, by proffering advice to the "broken-hearted," he respectfully but firmly-131- declined; deliberately preferring old-bachelorship, with all its dearths, of which he seemed fully conscious. He felt as if he had been deeply wronged.

Yet was not he the first practically to repudiate? He suffered terribly, because he had sinned grievously, not by commission, but omission. He felt the deepest, fullest, manliest love, and revelled in anticipations of their future union, but did not express it; which was to her as if he had not felt it; whereas, had he saved but one minute per week to write lovingly, "I long to be with you, and love you still," or, "Business does not, cannot diminish my fondness," he would have saved her broken vows, and his broken heart.

Mingling other enjoyments with love, by going together to picnics and parties, sleigh-rides and Mayings, concerts, and lectures, marvellously cements the affections.

Love Feeds on Love.

Meet in your most attractive habiliments of mind and person. French ladies will see their affianced only when arrayed in their best toilet. Yet mental charms vastly surpass millinery. Neither can render yourselves too lovely.

Express affectionate fondness in your visits and letters; the more the better, so that you keep it a sentiment, not debase it by animal passion. It is still establishing its rootlets, like young corn, instead of growing. Allow no amatory excitement, no frenzied, delirious intoxication with it; for its violence, like every other, must react only to exhaust and paralyze itself by its own excesses.

Affianced young man, life has its epochs, which revolutionize it for good or bad. You are now in one. You have heretofore affiliated much with men; formed habits of smoking or chewing tobacco; indulged in late suppers; abused yourself in various ways; perhaps been on sprees. Now is your time to take a new departure from whatever is evil to all that is good and pure. Break up most of your masculine associations; and affiliate chiefly with your affianced. Be out no more nights. Let your new responsibilities and relations brace-132- you up against their temptations; and, if these are not sufficient, your prospective spouse will help. No other aid in resisting temptation and inspiring to good equals that of a loving, loved woman.

Break off from your cronyisms, clubs, societies, all engagements except such as mean imperative, cold-blooded business. Your new ties furnish an excellent excuse. All your spare time and small change are wanted for her. To give to bad habits the time and money due to her and setting up in life, is outrageous. Bend everything to your new relations, them to nothing. Now's your time to turn over a new leaf, and turn all the angles, corners and right-about faces needed.

Affianced maiden, you have some departures to take and corners to turn. Your life has till now been frivolous, but has now become serious. You have no more need of toilet fineries; for "your market is made," and you have work on hand far more important, namely, fitting yourself for your new duties. Find out what they demand of you, and set right about making a premium wife and mother. Both begin life anew. Forgetting the past, plant and sow now what you would gather and become always.

The Best of all Possessions.

Woman is man's choicest treasure. That is the most precious which confers the most happiness. She is adapted to render him incomparably happier than any other terrestrial possession. He can enjoy luscious peaches, melting pears, crack horses, dollars and other things innumerable; but a well-sexed man can enjoy woman most of all. He is poor indeed, and takes little pleasure in this life, be his possessions and social position what they may, who takes no pleasure with her. All description utterly fails to express the varied and exultant enjoyments God has engrafted into a right sexual state. Only few experiences can attest how many and great, from infancy to death, and throughout eternity itself. All God could do He has done to render each sex superlatively happy in the other. Of all his beautiful and perfect work, this is the most beautiful and perfect. Of all his-133- benignant devices, this is his most benign. All the divine attributes, all human happiness, converge in male and female adaptations to mutual enjoyments.

Each is correspondingly precious to the other. Man should prize many things, yet woman is his pearl of greatest price. He should preserve, cherish, husband many life possessions, but woman the most. He has many jewels in his crown of glory, but she is his gem-jewel, his diadem. What masculine luxury equals making women in general, and the loved one in particular, happy?

The Source of Miseries.

Beginning and conducting courtship as this chapter directs, avoiding the errors and following the directions it specifies, will just as surely render all superlatively happy as sun will rise to-morrow. Scan their sense. Do they not expound nature's love-initiating and consummating ordinances? Are they not worthy of being put into practice? Discordants, can you not trace many of your antagonisms and miseries to their ignorant violation? Parents, what are they worth to put into your children's hands, to forewarn them against carelessly, ignorantly, spoiling their marriage? Young ladies, what are they worth to you, as showing you how to so treat your admirers as to gain and redouble their heart's devotion? Young men, what are these warnings and teachings worth to you? God in his natural laws will bless all who practice, curse all who violate them.

The conduct during engagement on the part of the gentleman should be marked by the utmost courtesy toward and confidence in the woman of his choice; a state of feeling which she should fully reciprocate.

In public their behavior toward one another should not be markedly different from that displayed by them toward other men and women of their acquaintance; save that the bridegroom-elect should be on the watch that not the slightest wish of the lady be unfulfilled.

As for the lady, while she is not expected to debar herself from accepting the customary courtesies extended by the gentlemen of her-134- acquaintance, a slight reserve should mark her conduct in accepting them. At all places of amusement or entertainment she should appear either in the company of her fiancé, or that of some relative.

She should never captiously take offense at her fiancé's showing the same attention to other ladies that she, in her turn, is willing to accept from other gentlemen, and she should take the same pains to please his taste in trifles that he does to gratify her slightest wish.

This does not mean, though, that in the selfishness and blindness of love—and love is very blind and selfish sometimes—she is to shut herself up to his companionship at all times, excluding him from the family circle of which he is so soon to become a member, and "pairing off" on all occasions, thus rendering both the mark for silly jestings.

How to Cherish Love.

But, in sober matter-of-fact, that little ring of gold does not mean utter blindness. It does not mean that she is to devote her evenings exclusively to the chosen one, ignoring her family entirely. It does not mean that she is to accept valuable presents of all kinds at his hands, to expect him to give up all his friends for her sake, nor to confide all the secrets of the household to his keeping, but, as one wise woman says, to "guard herself in word and deed; hold his love in the best way possible; tie it firmly with the blue ribbon of hope, and never let it be eaten away by the little fox who destroys so many loving ties, and who is called familiarity."

Neither is this counsel to be deemed over-cautious, since, alas! even "engagements" are sometimes broken in this uncertain world, and surely there is no womanly woman that would not in such an event reflect gladly, as she took up her life once more at the old point, that she had remembered these things.

A domineering, jealous disposition on either side before marriage is not the best possible guarantee for after happiness, and if these traits are clearly shown during an engagement, the individual who escapes from such thraldom before it is too late has shown conclusively that discretion which is, at times, the better part of valor.-135-

Conduct Toward Parents.

The gentleman should exercise some tact in regard to his conduct toward the family of his betrothed. Marked attention should be shown toward the lady's mother. He should accommodate himself as much as possible to the wishes, habits and ways of the household, and not being, as yet, a member of the family, he should not presume to show an intrusive familiarity of conversation.

The lady, on her part, should strive to show consideration, friendliness, and a desire to please the parents of her husband-that-is-to-be. Thus both will unite in the endeavor to overcome that loving jealousy so natural on the part of those who see the claims of another grown paramount in the heart of one of their number, and feel that these new links are fast becoming stronger than ties of blood and relationship.

The respective families should meet these advances with all kindness, and should also endeavor, in view of the new union pending between them, to make, if this be necessary, one another's acquaintance as soon as convenient.

Length of Engagements.

Engagements should not be entered upon prematurely, a certain degree of acquaintanceship proving no mean preparation for an arrangement of this nature. But when an engagement is once formed it should not, in the majority of cases, be of an undue length. This is a matter to be settled by the wishes or the circumstances of the contracting parties.

It is oftimes the measure of wisdom, where the obstacle is lack of fortune, to risk some degree of deprivation, rather than submit to a long-protracted engagement; the man, as head of the new home, finding a fresh motive for ambitious striving, and both parties being preserved from that coolness of feeling too attendant upon years of waiting. No homes are happier than those constructed on the principle of economy and patient effort.-136-

Broken Engagements.

Not unfrequently does it occur that circumstances arise that render the dissolution of an engagement inevitable, and, as such a course, unless mutual, of necessity involves an injury to the feelings of one party, great care and delicacy should be employed in approaching the subject.

If the occasion should arise on the lady's side, it must be remembered that she is not bound to declare any other reason than her own sweet will. It is better, however, for reasons to be frankly given, that the step may not be attributed to mere caprice on her part. On the side of the man the reasons must be strong, indeed, that can justify him in breaking a solemn engagement sought of his own free will, and urged by him upon the object of his choice. By thus releasing himself he not unfrequently leaves the lady in an embarrassing position before the public, not to mention the possible injury that may be inflicted upon the deepest feelings of her heart.

If the cause should arise from any fault on the part of the lady, a man of honor will ever preserve the strictest silence on the subject. If from sudden failure in his own fortunes he should feel himself in duty bound to relinquish his hope of present happiness lest he selfishly drag another down to penury, let the reason be carefully and clearly explained.

At the conclusion of an engagement let every gift, including the engagement ring, and all photographs and letters that have been exchanged between the two, be promptly returned by each that as little as possible may remain to remind of the days that are done. It is especially a point of honor on the gentleman's part to retain nothing that the lady may have given, or written, him.

Etiquette of Married Life.

Marriage, to the elect, may be fitly termed a state of grace, but without a close observance of all the courtesies that tend to uplift everyday life in some degree above the narrowness of mere existence-137- it may but too easily become what the old cynic declared it to be when he wrote, "Marriage is a feast in which the grace is sometimes better than the dinner."

Mutual confidence and mutual respect are the two principal factors in the case. Without these there can be none of that harmony so necessary to happiness in the state matrimonial. And not only this, but they should strive to be mutually entertaining.

The pains they took during their engagement to be agreeable to one another at a time when they were by no means entirely dependent upon themselves for companionship, would surely not be amiss in rendering pleasant the years, and it may be decades of years, during which they must be to a great extent dependent upon each other for entertainment. The young man who spent so much time at the home of a certain lady that he was finally asked why, if he was in love with her, he did not marry her, uttered a sad truth when he answered, "Ah, but where then should I pass my evenings?" A reflection upon the agreeableness of married life that might easily be avoided by the exercise of care and tact on both sides.

The Art of Agreeableness.

Philip Gilbert Hammerton, in his Intellectual Life, wisely suggests: "A married couple are clearly aware that, in the course of a few years, their society is sure to become mutually uninteresting unless something is done. What is that something? Every author who succeeds, takes the trouble to renew his mind by fresh knowledge, new thoughts. So, is it not at least worth while to do as much to preserve the interest of marriage?"

The wife who dresses for her husband's sake, who reads that she may qualify herself for conversation with him, who makes him the chief end of her cares, and the husband who brings home from the outside world some of its life and animation to share with her, who has a loving interest in all that she has done for his pleasure, and, if wealth be a stranger at their door, stands ready to lift the heaviest burdens from her shoulders, have solved for themselves the problem-138- of married happiness, and found it to be a condition wherein every joy is doubled and every sorrow halved.

Duty Toward One Another.

Let the wife have no confidant as to the little shortcomings of her husband, over which love, as well as pride, should draw a sheltering veil. Never listen to an unkind tale of his past or present mistakes, and count all those who would seek thus to destroy your peace of mind as your bitterest enemies. Let the husband in his turn remember that an unkind or slighting word spoken of his wife, touches his own honor to the quick, and be instant in resenting the words that should never have been spoken in his presence.

Another point to be remembered in view of the duty of husband and wife toward one another, is with reference to attending church or entertainments. The wife has, in all probability, left a home where the different members of the household were ready to accompany each other whenever occasion served, and young friends were planning many a pleasant outing, and now she is wholly dependent upon her husband for all of these things. Let her beware, under these circumstances, of allowing herself to attend church, lecture, or any other evening entertainment, in the company of well-meaning friends. For the husband, once seeing that his wife can attend these places without his assistance, will soon, if such be his disposition, remain selfishly home at all times, or, if otherwise inclined, still more selfishly find his amusement in places widely foreign to his wife's happiness or peace of mind. The carelessness of many well-meaning men in this respect is the cause of very much unhappiness that might be wholly avoided by a little consideration as to the utter dependence of the wife upon her husband for all these recreations.

Home Attire.

This is a subject that it should be unnecessary to touch upon, but, unfortunately, too many bright, pretty, carefully-dressed girls degenerate into careless, fretful, untidy and illy-clad young wives, whose-139- presence is anything but a joy forever to the individuals who must face them across the family board for three hundred and sixty-five days in every year. And it is this careless young woman who is first to complain that "John does not care for me in the least, now we are married," while John is very apt to think, "If Carrie would only take just a little of the pains to please me now that she did six months ago, how much happier we would be." And John is quite right about it. This very carelessness on the part of wives has marred the happiness of more than one new home. The ribbon, the flower, the color that "John likes" and the smile that crowns all are magical in their effects.

Then let John always remember to bring to this home a pleasant face, from which business cares are driven away, and a readiness to please and be pleased, that meets the wife's attempts half way, and the evening meal will be made delightful by pleasant chat, which should never consist of a résumé of the day's tribulations, but should turn on subjects calculated to remove from the mind all trace of their existence, and thus will they arise at its close better and happier for the hour that has passed.

Household and Personal Expenses.

One of the chief sources of unhappiness in married life is the strife arising from the vexed question of home and personal expenses. In the first place, the husband frequently fails in regard to openness with regard to his business concerns and profits; thus the wife, entirely ignorant as to what amount she may safely spend, errs too often on the side of extravagance, finding too late, when a storm of reproach descends upon her innocent head, where and how she has sinned.

Then, too, it is often a sore trial to the wife's pride to ask for the money necessary to keep her own wardrobe in repair. Especially is this the case when, before marriage, she was in receipt of her own money, earned by her own hands. It seems to her that her husband ought to see that she has need of certain articles, and the very fact that he does not, leads her to the false supposition that he has ceased-140- to care for her, while he, if there was any thought about it in his mind, would say, "Why doesn't she ask for money if she wants it? She knows I will give it to her if I have it."

All these troubles would be avoided if married couples early came to a definite understanding on this subject, and a certain sum were set aside which the wife was to receive weekly for household expenses, her personal wants to be supplied from such surplus as she may be able to save from out this sum, or in some other way provided for by a stated amount, both of which sums should be under her exclusive, unquestioned control.

Some simple system of accounts should then be kept and regularly gone over together on every quarter. A mutual agreement thus established on the money question, much annoyance and much extravagance may be prevented. It is not too much to suggest that, perhaps, it might not be amiss to present an account of the husband's expenses also, at these quarterly reckonings.

Above all things, never let the wife, from a weak desire to gratify her own personal vanity, enter upon some extravagant purchase, the amount of which she must conceal from her husband, and (vainly often) strive to pay in small amounts saved or borrowed. The result is usually exposure, sometimes disgrace, pecuniary loss and loss of esteem in the husband's eyes. Perfect confidence is the only basis upon which happiness can be safely founded.

A Pleasant Disposition.

Cultivate, on both sides, a disposition to restrain all unseemly exhibitions of temper. Hysterics and prolonged and repeated fits of tears soon lose their effect, and, at the last, a half-pitying contempt is their only result. Let all conversation be refined in its tone. The force of example in this respect carries with it a silent, impressive power that is not easily resisted and lapses therefrom involve a loss of this influence that cannot be easily estimated.

Profanity, too, is a deadly foe in the household and any wife that permits her husband to swear in her presence, either to herself, or-141- concerning others, lessens her own self-respect each time it occurs. That profanity can be repressed, has been shown her by the fact that, no matter how long the previous engagement may have lasted, no word of such import escaped the man's lips in her presence, and surely the woman chosen to be head of his home is no less worthy of his respect than was the girl he wooed.

The habit of indulging in cutting or harsh remarks is one to be guarded against. Mutual politeness should be exercised by both husband and wife, and in all cases watch should be set over the mouth, and the door of the lips well kept.

Boarding Versus Home Life.

The tendency in all large cities, at this present time, points toward fashionable boarding-houses, or expensive lodging-houses, as the nuclei round which the newly-married most do congregate.

It may be that the wife is utterly unused to the care of a house (in which case the sooner she learn the art, the happier for both parties) or, perhaps, the financial resources of the husband are unable to support the drain consequent upon furnishing a home that shall gratify the foolish pride of the wife. But, whatever the cause, the effects are the same, and are to be found in the utter unfitness of women adopting this manner of existence for any of the serious duties of life that, sooner or later, come upon all who wear this mortal garb.

Then, too, in the idle, censorious, gossiping, novel-reading life that flourishes in this hothouse existence, the seeds of lifelong misery are not infrequently sown.

Let a home, then, however small, be one of the first considerations in beginning the married life, and let the adding to, and the beautifying of, this precious possession be the duty and the privilege of the years to come.

To the wife, in her housewifely rôle, belongs the care of overseeing or accomplishing with her own hands, the varied duties that go to secure the daily well-being of the home. She must see that the rooms are bright, neat, and cosily arranged; that the meals are appetizingly-142- and punctually served, and be herself neatly and tastefully attired to preside at the table.

Due allowances are to be made for the amount of manual labor she has been obliged to perform with her own hands, still, by care and tact a woman can always maintain a certain degree of neatness.

Let the husband, on his part, bring into the home cheerfulness, with a quick remembrance of all those little attentions that go so far toward making up the sum of earthly happiness. Let him see that, to the best of his ability, the home wants are provided for, and be not forgetful to lend the help of his stronger hand wherever needed. (Read carefully other hints in department of Home Etiquette.)

Never demand of your wife more than you are willing to give. If you desire to be received with smiles, enter the house with a cheerful mien, and you will find there are few women who are not willing to give measure for measure, and even a little more than they receive of kindly attention. For a wife will usually shine, like the moon, by reflection, and her happiness will always reflect your own.

IN discussing the important subject of etiquette as connected with weddings and wedding anniversaries, it may be mentioned here that the forms for invitations to all occasions of this sort, and acceptances and regrets of the same, card-sending, etc., have been fully treated in their respective departments. The observances immediately preceding, during, and following the ceremony, are now to receive consideration.

Paying for the Cards.

The form, size and use of these important bits of pasteboard having been before stated, it only remains for us to say here that all the expenses relative to their purchase and distribution are to be borne solely by the parents or other guardians of the bride. To have it otherwise implies a lack of delicacy on the part of the bride, and lays upon her a certain amount of obligation which every right-minded girl would desire, above all things, to avoid. Hence when the parents are financially unable to incur the expense, good taste demands that all display be abandoned and the couple be quietly married in the presence of the family only.

The bride should always remember that until the fateful words are spoken that make the twain one flesh, she has no claim whatever on the purse of her future husband, and conduct herself accordingly.

Hence it is that a very plain trousseau is more commendable to the self-respect of the wearer, than the elaborate outfittings, toward-144- the purchase of which the groom-expectant has largely contributed, and which, in case of the oft-recurring "slip twixt the cup and the lip," must weigh heavily upon the maiden's pride.

Even the "after cards" are usually ordered by the parents with the others, and paid for at the same time. If, however, they are ordered after marriage, they are paid for by the groom.

There is only one exception to the rule of the bride's parents paying for the wedding cards, and this occurs when the wedding ceremony is performed quietly in church and the reception, for some reason, is held at the home of the groom's parents, in which case they, as the entertainers, properly pay for, and issue, the cards of invitation.

The groom, in England, always pays for the carriage that conveys himself and bride to the station after the ceremony and reception are past, but in this country the fashionable father usually claims the privilege of sending them on this first stage of their married life in his own carriage. However, the groom buys the ring and a bouquet for the bride, furnishes dainty presents for the bridemaids, remembers the best man and the ushers, pays the clergyman's fee, the size of which is to be regulated only by his inclination, or the length of his purse-strings, and furnishes the marriage license.

Naming the Day.

This privilege belongs by right to the lady herself, but, in reality, the business engagements of the groom, and the time when he can best leave for the bridal tour have much to do in settling the exact date for which the invitations shall be issued. In very fashionable circles it is the mother that names the day of her daughter's marriage.

Time was when during the two weeks, or longer, elapsing between the issuing of the invitations and the occurrence of the wedding, the bride-expectant was not to be seen in public, nor by chance callers at the house, a custom which still prevails to some extent, but is superseded in the most fashionable circles by a series of especial entertainments given during this interval.-145-

It frequently happens that one, or each, of the bridemaids entertains the bride and other bridemaids at a lunch or dinner, either informally or on a large scale. Some married friend of the family may give a large farewell dinner to Miss —— and her bridemaids; and the bride herself, or her mother, may give a rehearsal dinner. Ordinary invitations, however, are not to be accepted.

If the presents are not to be exhibited at the wedding reception, the bride frequently gives an informal tea the day before to her lady friends for the purpose of displaying them. She should also, for her health's sake, take a daily drive.

Announcing the Engagement.

An engagement is now frequently announced in rather a formal manner. This, however, is not usually done until a short time previous to the marriage itself. Sometimes it comes out in the society papers immediately after it has been made known to the kinfolk and intimate friends. Felicitations follow as a matter of course.

Sometimes a dinner-party is given by the parents of the bride-elect and the announcement is made by the host just before leaving the table. Congratulations follow. Sometimes notes are written by the young lady or her mother in announcement.

If the families of the contracting parties have been strangers heretofore it is expected that the gentleman's family will make the first call. Any friends that choose may give entertainments in honor of the couple.

The lady does not make any ceremonious calls after this announcement has been made, it being supposed that before this occurs she shall have left cards upon all her friends. If no formal announcement is made the bride-to-be must, before invitations are issued, leave cards with her friends and acquaintances. In the city she need not enter to make a personal call, in the country she will probably find it necessary so to do.

Wedding Gifts.

There is much to be said for and against the custom of wedding presents. And while the fact remains that they too often become the-146- vehicle for an expenditure so uncalled-for as to encroach upon vulgarity in its excess, another fact still exists, that the simple remembrances of friends are very grateful to the bride, who, perhaps, is bound for a distant home where every loving token will recall a well-known face.

Then remember your friends on their wedding day, wisely, and according to their tastes and your own resources, for:

By those so desiring, the words, "No presents," or "No presents received," may be engraved in the left hand corner of the card. This is often a relief to many of the guests, and, at the same time does not prevent the very intimate friends, as well as members of the family, from sending quietly such gifts as they may choose, which, of course, are not exhibited.

Where presents are to be given they are frequently sent some time in advance, and the bride often takes much pleasure in arranging them for exhibition in some upstairs room. Each article is accompanied by the card of the giver; these are removed or not, as may be desired before exhibition.

The bride acknowledges the reception of each gift by a graceful little note of thanks. Some of them doubtless will come from persons unknown to her, friends of the groom, and to these she must be especially prompt in returning her acknowledgments.

List of Invitations.

Making up the list of invitations should be attended to carefully. The engaged couple should carefully prepare their respective lists and the mother of the bride should attentively scan names, for from this is to be made up the future visiting list of her daughter, and she cannot but hesitate at burdening her at the outset of her new life with a host-147- of calling acquaintances, hence is forced to exclude every ineligible name; a cutting painful but oftimes necessary.

Ushers.

The duties of the ushers in a church wedding are very important. At large weddings as many as half a dozen, or more, ushers are sometimes needed to manage the great number of guests. They usually appoint one of their number as head usher, and to him falls the duty of deciding on the space to be reserved for near relatives, which is to be divided from the remainder of the church by white ribbons. He makes sure that the organist is in place, indicates the approach of the bridal party that the Wedding March may greet them, and instructs the other ushers as to their respective duties.

Ushers must escort guests to their seats, and as relatives of the groom are seated on the right of the main aisle, or center of the church, and those of the bride on the left, it is proper for an usher to ask any one with whom he may be unacquainted whether their relationship is to the bride or groom.

In escorting guests to their seats an usher gives his right arm to a lady. A gentleman who may be in her company should follow after.

The guests assembled, part of the ushers should leave the church at once and drive to the bride's residence in order to be there to receive the bridal party upon their return.

“The Best Man.”

The "best man" is usually an intimate friend or relative of the groom. He drives to the church with him, stands by his side at the altar-rails while he awaits the approach of the bride, and, stepping back, it is he that holds the groom's hat during the ceremony and hands it to him at its close. To him is confided the payment of the wedding fee, and if there is a marriage register he signs as a witness. He then drives by himself to the bride's home, reaching there in time to receive the bridal party and to assist the ushers in the presentation of guests to the newly-married couple. He also makes the necessary-148- arrangements about their departure, secures the tickets, and, if their destination is to be kept a secret, to him alone is it confided.

It occasionally happens that there are as many groomsmen as there are bridemaids, but this is the exception and the "best man" takes their place.

The ushers frequently form, two and two, and precede the bridal party up the aisle.

Bridemaids.

The number of these is optional, from one to twelve being allowable. Four, six or eight are usually chosen. Unmarried sisters of the bride and groom are frequently selected. Custom emphatically declares that they must be younger than the bride. For an elder sister thus to officiate would be extremely inappropriate.

Indeed, the favored fashion of the present time is for little tots, all the way from three or four to eight, clad in bewitchingly quaint and picturesque costumes and crowned by the largest of Gainsboro' hats, to precede the bridal couple to the chancel. In addition to these, the bride is followed by a chosen number of bridemaids as well, but often the children are all. Frequently they carry baskets of flowers, and, preceding the newly-made wife in her progress down the church aisle, they scatter the blossoms in her pathway.

Sometimes this order is changed, and children rise in groups from seats near the front, and, preceding the bridal cortège to the door, scatter flowers before them. Children selected for this purpose should be under ten. Young boys, selected from among relatives, are sometimes dressed as pages and accompany the bride as train-bearers.

Bridemaids usually consult the bride as to their toilets, and each other as well, that there may be no unfortunate combinations of color to mar the effect of the whole. They usually dress in colors, unless the bride choose some faint tint for her costume; then it is customary for them to wear pure white, and sometimes the whole group are clad in spotless purity.

The bridemaids' gowns are walking length, as a rule, and they wear large, picturesque hats, overshadowed with plumes or adorned-149- with flowers, and carry huge bunches, or baskets, of fragrant blossoms. Wealthy brides, who have some special fancy to carry out, often provide the gowns for their maids. Historic styles are frequently chosen, making every gown after the exact mode of the epoch selected, but adopting a different color for each.

Where there is but one bridemaid, if she be escorted at all, which is not always done, it should be by some friend, not the "best man," whose duties in attendance on the groom are all-sufficient.

Bridemaids should not refuse the proffered honor, if possible for them to accept. If, after acceptance, unforeseen circumstances should occur to prevent participation in the festivities, no time should be lost in sending a regret and full explanation, so that her place may be supplied in time to prevent disarrangement of the entire plan.

A Church Wedding.

A church wedding is more picturesque and solemn than any other form of celebrating the marriage rite and the etiquette of all full-dress affairs of this nature is essentially the same.

The groom drives first to the church, accompanied by his "best man" and enters either vestry or church parlor. The relatives, the mother of the bride and the bridemaids now drive to the church in carriages, closely followed by the carriage of the bride and her father.

By this time it is supposed that the carpet and awning, if it is a city church, are in place, the invited guests assembled, and the bridal procession immediately forms, entering the church and passing up the aisle to the strains of the wedding march. In England a lovely innovation is made on this threadbare custom by having a chorus of boy-voices sing an epithalamium, or wedding ode, during their progress. This custom has found its way here in some ritualistic churches where the vested choir march, two and two, at the head of the bridal procession, singing as they march. Sometimes as high as forty, and even seventy, in number swell the cortège.

The order of progression is as follows: first the ushers, (unless there are choristers to take the lead) who march up the aisle by twos,-150- keeping step with the music, then, if there are child-bridemaids, they follow in the same order. Some brides have two, some four or six of these dainty dots of maids. The children are followed by the grown bridemaids, also two by two. Sometimes children alone fill the place, there being no grown maids. The maids, both children and grown folk, are arranged according to their height and the harmony of color in their gowns.

After them comes the bride leaning on the right arm of her father. It sometimes happens that she walks up the aisle alone, and again that she is accompanied by some male relative who is to take a father's place in giving her away. Occasionally young brothers, mere boys in age, are permitted to assume this touching duty.

At the altar steps the ushers separate and pass to the right and left, the bridemaids also separate in a similar manner, leaving space for the bridal couple. The groom, having come from the vestry, accompanied by the "best man," should be standing in readiness to advance, take the bride by her right hand and turn to the clergyman, who proceeds with the marriage formula sanctioned by his faith.-151-

At that point in the service where the question is asked, "Who giveth this woman to be married to this man?" the father, or whoever takes his place, should bow, and then in a moment leave the group and seat himself beside the bride's mother in the front pew at the left.

In a ritualistic church the bride and groom at once kneel before the officiating clergyman, who will signify to them at what point of the service to rise. Hassocks should be provided for the occasion.

The first bridemaid, or maid of honor, takes her stand close to, and slightly back of, the bride, that she may be ready to take her bouquet, if she has one, remove her glove, or, as is the better custom in this day of many-buttoned gloves, to turn back the neatly-ripped glove-finger that the ring may be adjusted, and to hold her bouquet or prayer-book when necessary. In the meantime, it is the "best man" who hands the ring to the clergymen in readiness for use.

After the Ceremony.

The service over, which may or may not have been accompanied by low, slow music, the clergyman shakes hands with and congratulates the newly-wedded couple (kissing being no longer permissible), the groom draws the bride's right hand within his left arm and conducts her to the carriage, taking the center aisle if the church have one; if not, taking the opposite from that by which they entered, the bride, her veil over her face, neither recognizing nor paying the slightest apparent heed to any one in the church. The organ peals forth, the procession re-forms and follows to the door, first the bridemaids, next the ushers. If there have been choristers, they lead the line, chanting as before, until their voices die out of hearing in the vestibule. Often, too, the child-bridemaids precede the couple as they leave the church, scattering flowers before them, the whole forming a very pretty pageant to the eye. The church may have been richly decorated with flowers and potted plants.

Where there is but one bridemaid or maid of honor, as she is then called, she attends to all the duties necessary, but the bridal procession is shorn somewhat of its fair proportions.-152-

The vestibule reached, certificate or church register signed, the bride is cloaked, and, entering a carriage with her husband, is quickly driven home, the guests remaining in their seats until the cessation of the wedding march, when they, too, enter their carriages. Meanwhile the "best man" takes the shortest route possible to the same destination in order to assist the head usher, who with, perhaps, some of the other ushers, is supposed to be already there, in receiving the bridal party and guests as they reach the house. The remaining ushers busy themselves in assisting the bridemaids to their carriages and speeding them onward that they, if possible, may reach the house in time to receive the bride and groom.

If the church wedding be in the evening the same order will be observed, save that the gentlemen wear evening dress.

The Reception.

At the house the ushers introduce the guests to the newly-married couple who, together with the bridemaids, form a group to receive the good wishes of the company. The parents of the bride stand a little apart from this party and receive the felicitations of their guests in behalf of their daughter's welfare. The parents of the groom, if present, form part of this group.

If the company is very large it is well to divide the centers of attractions by placing the young couple in one room and the parents in another, thus compelling a freer circulation of the guests, who else would crowd the bridal party to suffocation.

The house may be profusely decorated with flowers, and the rooms though daylight reign without, may have been carefully darkened only to be re-illuminated by the softer radiance of waxen candles or shaded gas jets.

Refreshments.

The banquet may be as elaborate as desired, but is usually served in the refreshment room from the buffet, guests repairing thither at any time where they are served by attendants, ushers seeing that ladies unattended by gentlemen are invited to partake and properly served.-153-

Tea or coffee is not considered a necessity, though, in compliance with tastes that do not yield easily to fashion's decree, it is usually to be had, but in winter bouillon, in cups, is usually offered. Wine, of course, depends upon the scruples of the entertainers. Salads, lobster, salmon, etc., birds and dainty rolled sandwiches, do duty for meats. Fancy cakes, such as maccaroons, kisses, etc., are always offered, together with ices. The variety of other cakes is always at the option of the hostess, save the regulation rich black fruit, or groom's cake, and the bride's snowy loaf. These are necessities, and if the bride so far conform to the old custom of "cutting the cake" as to make one incision therein with a wonderful silver knife, "ye ancient superstition" is satisfied, and the work of cutting it and packing in dainty boxes to be carried home, if this be wished, is deputed to attendants. These boxes are deposited in some convenient place within reach of the departing guests.

When there are a number of elderly guests it is generally thought best to set two or more small tables in the refreshment-room, or an ante-room, where they may be comfortably accommodated with seats, and one of the ushers should see that they are so seated and promptly served.

Rehearsals.

In view of the complicated arrangements made necessary for the proper carrying out of a fashionable church wedding, and in consideration of the large number of people involved in the ceremony and the necessity of each one being in the right place at the right moment, in order to prevent confusion, it will be seen that some preparation is necessary before all can act in concert.

The needed drill is usually given by an exact rehearsal of the entire affair, to give which, the whole party meet at the church and rehearse, so to speak, their respective parts; the forming into procession, the parting right and left at the chancel and the re-forming to return to the vestibule, being all gone through with to the sound of music, until every part of the long procession moves like clockwork.

The grouping of the bridemaids, the appointed duties of maid of-154- honor and "best man," even to the smallest details, are all made perfect, until even the principal actors in the scene can retire without fear of any disaster to come.

This rehearsal is frequently made the occasion of a rehearsal dinner, given by the mother of the bride, at which the intimate participants of the wedding-to-come entertain and refresh themselves.

The Wedding Breakfast.

Wedding breakfasts are an exclusively English fashion, but are gradually creeping into favor here. The breakfast does not differ from the ordinary reception, save that it is usually at an earlier hour and is more frequently a "sit-down affair."

The guests all go into the refreshment room at the same time, even though it sometimes happens that the assembly is so large that no one but the bridal party and immediate relatives are provided with seats at small tables. In this case, the gentlemen help the ladies and themselves from a long table in the center of the room, the whole affair, under these circumstances, being simply a cold collation. Gentlemen leave their hats in the hall; ladies retain bonnet and gloves.

After the usual greetings to the bridal pair and a few minutes general conversation, the repast is announced and the guests proceed to the appointed room in the usual fashion—bride and groom, bride's father and groom's mother, groom's father and bride's mother, "best man" and maid of honor, other bridemaids and gentlemen appointed, usually ushers, etc.

A "stand-up" breakfast has many things in its favor. It is more easily served than one where all the guests are seated at a table that, in everything but name, is a dinner table; it is less formal and therefore pleasanter, and far more guests can be accommodated. The refreshments are the same as for a reception.

Departure.

After mingling with the guests for a short time the bride quietly withdraws to don her traveling garb, and soon descends the stairway.-155- She is met at the foot by her bridemaids, who part and form in line on either hand, through which dainty pathway she passes to join the groom.

Quick good-bys are said, the carriage is entered and whirls rapidly away, followed by showers of rice and cast-off slippers, and the pretty scene is ended.

Home Weddings.

Home weddings are attended with much less trouble, fatigue and expense than fashionable church weddings. The clergyman enters the room and stands facing the people; the bridal couple follow and stand facing him. Hassocks are provided for kneeling, if desired. The father, or some near male relative, stands ready, in sight of the clergyman, to give away the bride. He should simply bow his affirmation when the question is asked.

There are many additions that may be made to this simple ceremony, such as a troop of pretty children holding white ribbons each side to mark the path the bridal pair must walk to reach the minister, while the sweet strains of a hidden band of musicians may accompany their footsteps.

Floral decorations, within limits, are beautiful and appropriate, but where they are so lavishly displayed as to remind more of the florist's bill than the beauty of the blossoms, their effect is lost in a certain vulgarity that attends all too-visible evidences of outlay.

One pretty idea is to carry out the fancy of having one kind of flower, massed according to the chosen design, serve for the decorations, at flower weddings; for example, rose weddings, lily weddings, daffodil weddings, etc. The design itself is according to the taste of the florist or the family, and is a subject changing so easily with the season or the fashion as to merit no mention here.

The supper may be as elegant an affair as one chooses to make it. If served by caterers, all care is removed from the hostess as to possible accidents, and she is left free to entertain her guests.

At evening weddings the company remains late or not, according to the hour of the bride's departure. Sometimes dancing is arranged-156- as one of the evening's amusements. If so, the bride may, if she choose, open the first quadrille with the "best man." Should she do this, the groom is expected to dance with the first bridemaid.

The bride can slip away at any time, to reappear in traveling costume, and bidding a quick farewell, disappear from the company, who, after this, begin to disperse.

One most pleasant custom, English in its origin, should not be forgotten; it is that of remembering all the servants with some little gift as a souvenir of the occasion.

Invitations to Church Weddings.

There is a good deal of dispute in regard to the etiquette of acknowledgment of a card for a church wedding. Some high authorities assert that the invitation is so general and means so little particular attention that no notice need be taken of it except in the regular line of future visits to the bride and to the bride's mother. But one of our American social oracles declares that a card is obligatory at the hour of the wedding, if one cannot attend, and that if the house address is unknown, this card should be sent to the church. If this is necessary, most people err woefully, for few non-attendants send the card.

For church weddings everything pertains to formality, and the invitation as well as the ceremony is impressive in all details. The names of the parents heading the invitation are now more often written in full, thus insuring a good-looking line at the top of the note. The line, "request the honor of your presence," almost invariably appears on a church invitation with "honor" spelled with a "u."

The names of bride and groom are separated by the little word "to," although some consider "and" quite as proper.

The omission of the prefix "Miss" from the daughter's name is customary on an invitation but should never occur when the bride is a sister, cousin or niece of the people issuing the invitations. If a widow is re-marrying, she uses the prefix "Mrs." with her Christian names and the surname of her deceased husband. If the bride is an-157- orphan, with no one to issue the invitations for her, the heading reads, "The honor of your presence is requested," etc. When the bride has more names than one it is customary to use all.

The address of a well-known church is generally omitted, although it is frequently a convenience for out-of-town friends to know it. Names of churches ending with "s," as Saint Thomas, are written with an apostrophe "s"—thus, Saint Thomas's.

Dress for the Occasion.

The Bride's Dress may be as elegant as desired, or as simple, but it is to be hoped that the custom of using pure white in the composition of the toilet will not be superseded by any passing freak of Dame Fashion's for softly tinted bridal robes. This innovation should be stoutly resisted by all brides-to-be. If the white robe is simple in material, a simple style should be chosen for the making; richer goods allow of more elaboration. The bride wears no jewels, and the typical orange-blossoms and myrtle are supposed to crown her brow. As a fact, however, other white flowers, such as roses, lilacs, lilies-of-the-valley, are more frequently chosen.

Where the wedding decorations are of one flower exclusively, that blossom alone figures in the bridal wreath and bouquet. Some High Church brides carry an ivory or silver-bound prayer-book in preference to flowers; thus associating it with the most sacred vows of their life and hoping to preserve it as an heirloom in the family.

White shoes and gloves are to be worn with this toilet. The best taste prescribes a high corsage for the bridal costume, and sleeves either to the elbow or longer, in either case to be met by the long kid gloves. This gives a certain modesty to the toilet that is in keeping with the occasion. By many brides who expect to wear their bridal costume to after evening entertainments, the wedding gown is frequently supplied with two corsages; the high for the wedding day and the low for evening wear.

The Veil is usually of thin, sheer tulle, as this is most becoming to the face, but those brides who can display fine old point on this-158- occasion will be very apt so to do. If the bridal costume is to be worn on any other occasion, it must be divested of orange-blossoms and worn without the veil.

The above-described costume is appropriate for either a morning or evening wedding. Brides, who are married in traveling costume, should wear a bonnet rather than a hat.

The Groom's Dress is decided by the hour at which the wedding takes place. If it is in the evening, the conventional evening dress is imperative. Black suit, dress coat, low-cut waistcoat, white tie, white or pale pearl-colored gloves, thin patent leather shoes and possibly a white flower in the buttonhole, constitute proper costume.

Morning Costume.

At a morning wedding, that is, one taking place at any hour between ten and seven (before which time a dress suit can by no possibility appear) full morning costume is worn by the groom. This consists of a dark frock coat, dark waistcoat and lighter trousers; a stiff hat, a light scarf and gloves if desired. The gloves should be light but not evening tints; pale tan or gray being suitable. The Groomsmen's Dress is decided by the hour and by the dress of the groom, of which it is a faithful copy.

The Usher's Dress follows the same law as that of the groomsmen, save that if wedding favors are worn it is by the ushers only. The other gentlemen present will find it well to copy the same styles, save that those only who are immediately connected with the ceremony are expected to wear white gloves.

Friends in Mourning are expected to lay aside their somber robings for this hour. Even the widowed mother is bound to don either a pale gray, or a deep purple, costume for the occasion, the presence of black at so joyous a moment always casting a certain shadow over the party.

The Traveling Dress. This is occasionally worn by brides who do not wish to incur the haste and annoyance of changing their costume-159- before leaving for the bridal tour. This is done at times even when the ceremony is performed in church, but is almost always resorted to where the wedding is quiet. Sometimes this dress is as elaborate as is at all consistent with good taste for traveling, and when this is the case it is usually exchanged for the regulation traveling gown at the first stopping place in their journey. More frequently, and more appropriately, the plain tailor-made suit, with gloves and hat in harmony, is made to do duty. In any case where the bride chooses to wear a traveling costume, even should the ceremony be performed in the evening, the groom will wear a morning costume.

A Quiet Wedding.

To many people the idea of so much splendor and ceremony on the occasion of their marriage has in it something distasteful, and to others the physical weariness thereby incurred is almost an impossibility. In this case the quietest of ceremonies may be chosen. It may take place in church if the bride desire this further seal of solemnity set upon the service, with parents and one or two friends for witnesses; or at home with the family and clergyman only present, the bridal couple being driven from thence directly to the depot if the stereotyped wedding tour is to follow.

Re-marriage.

A widow, re-marrying, no matter how youthful she may be, is prohibited from wearing the white gown, veil and orange-blossoms of the bride. Neither may she surround herself with a bevy of bridemaids. Her wedding, to be absolutely correct, should be quietly solemnized and her garb a traveling dress.

Still, if she should wish, she may wear the most elegant of tinted silks, the most elaborate in make-up, and have a large and elegant assembly to witness her marriage and participate in its festivities, but no bridemaids are allowable.

At a church wedding she should be attended by her father, brother, other male relative, or some friend. She should always remove the first wedding ring from her finger before the service and not again-160- assume it. Invitations to the marriage of a widow are engraved with her whole name, maiden and married, thus: Elizabeth Stuart Fielding.

If she have sons or unmarried daughters at the time of her second marriage she should prefix their last name to her new one on all ceremonious occasions in which they also are interested, thus: Mrs. Stuart Fielding Grant and Miss Fielding, At Home. 20 Grosvenor Square.

The Ring.

The fourth finger of the left hand, counting from the thumb, is the finger upon which the engagement and wedding rings are worn. The engagement ring varies in extravagance according to the means of the groom, and has almost always a set of some description; the wedding ring is always the same, a plain, round-edged band of gold. Initials and dates may be engraved in both.

The engagement ring is usually worn afterward as a guard for the wedding ring. As to its setting there is a wide latitude given wherein all the pretty conceits and superstitions attached to precious stones may be exercised at will. The German consider pearls unlucky for brides, as significant of tears. Birth-month stones may be used, even the fateful opal losing its power for harm when worn by an October maiden. The turquoise is perhaps the favored of precious stones for this purpose. The old Persian proverb says that "He that hath a turquoise hath a friend." Its known power of turning pale under certain climatic influences has invested it in story with the power of not only warding off evil influences, rendering its wearer constant and assuring success in love, but still more of revealing by a certain pallor of coloring, coming danger or the existence of inconstancy in its wearer. It is also said that in case of a fall the turquoise takes all injury upon itself; the stone being fractured and the owner being uninjured. Add to this the item that the stone must be a gift, not a purchase, to possess these marvelous powers, and it will be seen that it is admirably suited to adorn an engagement ring. The diamond is another very appropriate stone for this purpose, either solitaire or in cluster.-161-

Reception Days.

It is necessary for the bride to include her new address with her wedding invitations, unless, as is still more "chic," cards for several reception days are issued after her return. These dates being fixed, it is then that first calls may be made upon her at her new residence with the happy certainty of finding her at home.

At these quiet, informal receptions, she receives simply as a member of society, wearing usually a rich, dark silk without any reminders of her recent bridehood.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES.

The wedding anniversaries are numerous, but only a few of these are habitually observed. Paper, wooden, tin, crystal, silver and golden are the favorite ones, the others being so rare as to hardly merit being included in the list.

The following complete list of the anniversaries, with the respective dates of their occurrence, may be useful for reference:

It may be well to mention here that the twentieth anniversary is considered unlucky to celebrate, or even to mention.

The manner of sending out invitations and accepting and refusing the same has been fully described in the proper department, and a few words only will be necessary as to the gifts and entertainment suitable on such occasions.

Tin and Paper Weddings and some other of the earlier anniversaries are usually occasions for happy frolics, and merry jests as to the form the gifts will take, though the paper wedding gives place for the presentation of elegant books, and a supply of fashionable stationery that is sufficient to fill the family needs for a long space of time.

Suitable Presents.

The Wooden Wedding is a little more expensive in its demands, and the gifts range from elegant suites of carved furniture down to dainty bits of hand-carving in the shape of panels and placques; and from rolling-pin and potato-masher all the way up to oaken mantles, rich with all manner of ingenious fret-work of design.

The Crystal Wedding may also show forth a glittering array of gifts both ornamental and useful.

The Silver Wedding is, perhaps, the most important of all the wedding anniversaries. This arises partly from the fact that it is most generally observed, partly because of the value of its gifts, and, more than aught else, because the date of its observance finds the happy pair still in the enjoyment of comparative youth and with length of days still before them. In the matter of presents it is almost impossible to go amiss, since there is scarcely an article of use or ornament from dining-room to reception-room and from the library desk to my lady's toilet table, that has not been made a thing of beauty and a joy forever by the silversmith's art.

The Golden Wedding, from the advanced age at which it occurs, has an element of sadness in its celebration. The aged couple who stand so near the brink of separation can have little of bridal joy as they look back to the day when they stood before the altar in the first-164- flush of youth, with life before them, or as they look forward to the shortened span of years that links them to their loved ones here. The gifts that are laid before them should be fitly wrought of gold, since their love has been as gold tried in the furnace of life.

If the family means are insufficient for numerous valuable gifts, let all the friends "club" together and purchase some fitting souvenir for the occasion. Golden-rod forms an appropriate floral decoration.

But, after all, the chief idea and the pleasure of this anniversary is the gathering together of as many as possible of the relatives that yet remain to greet the pair at this, the golden milestone of their life's journey.

Speeches and Congratulations.

The Diamond Wedding occurs so seldom, and is so much like the others in the manner, if not the matter of its gifts, as to scarcely require mention here.

The entertainment at these anniversary celebrations is very much the same as at weddings or other gatherings. The refreshments may be served at tables, or a "stand up" collation given. In this latter case, there should be one or two tables set for the elders of the party.

At Silver and Golden Weddings presentation speeches are frequently made by some friend, and at golden anniversaries a regular program is oftentimes carried out. Anniversary poems are read, "The Hanging of the Crane" recited, congratulatory telegrams from absent friends are announced, and any old acquaintances present that can be persuaded to say a few words of "ye olden times" are pressed into service. Good taste, however, would seem to prevent any repetition of the marriage service on such an occasion.

Cards in acknowledgment of bridal presents are worded in the following fashion: Mr. and Mrs. George H. Brandon express sincere thanks to —— for the beautiful wedding gift. June 18th. 62 West 126th street.

An ultra-fashionable bride, supplying herself with several packages of these stereotyped acknowledgments, has nothing to do but fill in the name of the sender and thus avoid infinite labor.

GOOD manners are a plant of slow growth, and one that should be cultivated in the home circle.

"Give a boy address, and it opens palaces to him," says Emerson, and nowhere is this address, "this habit of encounter," so easily gained as within the walls of home. There his character is formed for life.

Good breeding, in reality, is but the outcome of "much good sense, some good nature, and a little self-denial exercised for the sake of others, with a view to obtain the same indulgence from them."

These words of the scholar, Chesterfield, learned as he was in worldly lore, and satisfied of the expediency of such observances from a selfish standpoint, are but another, and more selfish, rendering of the Golden Rule, whose value as a rule of action in life is apparent.

Courtesy, it must be conceded, is not only pleasant, but profitable in all places, and at all times, but more especially in the home circle are its virtues most brilliantly set forth.

Courtesies of Married Life.

"Marriage very rarely mends a man's manners," is a sadly true statement of the playwright Congreve, and one whose truth touches women also as concerning the marriage state.

If the slight formalities that are the bulwarks of love as well as friendship, many forbearances, and more of the small, sweet courtesies of life, were but permitted to blossom forth like unexpected flowers beneath the family roof-tree, fewer unhappy marriages would catalogue their miseries in the divorce court.-166-

The man who takes off his hat as politely to his wife when he parts from her on the street as he would to his lady acquaintance of yesterday; who opens the door for her to enter; who would no more speak harshly to her than to any other lady, is very likely to retain her first affection and to add to it that sweeter, closer love that comes of knowledge and companionship.

What Women Admire.

Women admire fine manners and graceful attentions. The man who never forgets their tastes; who remembers wedding anniversaries and birthdays; is interested in their pursuits, and ready with an appreciative word of praise, is the man that claims their admiration by virtue of thoughtfulness and consideration.

This man, too, would be far more apt to hold a woman's affection than the best and most upright of his sex, who is thoughtless and indifferent, not of her physical comfort, but of all her pet fancies and sentiments, who never saw her new gowns, and is profoundly neglectful of all those trifles, light as air, which go far toward making up the sum of woman's happiness or misery.

What Men Desire.

Hepworth Dixon, on being asked what men most desire in a wife, and what quality held them longest, unhesitatingly replied, "That she should be a pillow." Then, noting the inquiry thus suggested, he went on to say: "What a man most needs is that he should find in his wife a pillow whereon to rest his heart. He longs to find a moment's rest from the outer whirl of life, to win a ready listener that sympathizes where others wound." And she whose eyes are flattering mirrors, whose lips console and soothe, will find that she has secured a hold upon the heart of her husband, that the embodiment of all the virtues of her sex could not secure, were she wanting in this sympathetic tact.

Sweet-tempered people are the joy of the world. Their civilities, their self-sacrifice, their thoughtfulness for others it is that oils the-167- wheels of domestic life. People who, according to the old phrase, have "tempers of their own," are not, at the best, agreeable companions. We may respect their good qualities, but we are apt to give them a wide berth where possible. But when they are inmates of our own households, the evil spirit must be confronted and exorcised if possible.

Many a wife has, by exercising her own self-control, subdued and shamed a tyrannical, evil-tempered husband into a better disposition, but never by argument, dispute, or anger on her part.

Many a husband, too, has by the firmness and sweetness of his own temper, won his young, impatient wife, tried by the half-understood cares of her new existence, to evenness of spirit and control of temper. "It is impossible to be cross where Charlie is," said one young wife, taken from a home where self-control had never been taught. "I am always ashamed of it afterward."

Fault-Finding.

"Take us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil our vines," and of the insidious foxes that spoil the tender fruitage of the household vine, a fault-finding disposition is most dangerous.

A quick, ungovernable temper is not as destructive to household peace and comfort as the nagging, carping, fault-finding spirit that sees good in nothing. A temper that is like a tornado in its violence at least clears the air as it passes, and is usually followed by quick repentance and ready reparation. But the fault-finding, nagging, suspicious temperament is a veritable foe in a man's own household.

Where no word of praise is heard, no commendation follows the best-intentioned efforts, but the ceaseless nagging, the ever recurring criticism meets one at every turn, it is not strange if the ties of affection are too often strained even to breaking.

Temper proceeds from, and is an indication of the character. It is inherited, even as features are; but, like features, it may be modified by culture and training, and a temper thus conquered becomes a very desirable possession.-168-

Home Conversation.

Educate yourself, as a wife, to keep up with the times sufficiently to be at least a companionable conversationalist. Read the papers, read late books; endeavor to be as entertaining to your husband as you were to your husband-elect.

As a husband, share your knowledge of the activities of life with your wife, who, from the very nature of her occupation is excluded from much of its exciting whirl. Read together, talk together of art, of music, of literature, of the stirring events of the outer world, and put afar the evil day when topics of mutual interest shall have been worn so threadbare that the average man and women must feel a strange desire to fall asleep directly dinner is over.

Then, too, the children hunger for new ideas, and one of the greatest educational advantages they can enjoy is to listen daily to the conversation of intelligent people. Too many parents who are bright and entertaining abroad are dull and uninteresting in their own households, to the great detriment of their children and to their own loss of intelligent companionship in one another.-169-

"What little Jack learneth not, the same neither learneth great John." There is a truth in this old saying that the parents and guardians of children would do well to ponder in their hearts, for it is a well substantiated statement that the first ten years of a child's life stamp upon his character the imprint for good or ill-breeding. Thus is spared the after struggle on their part to attain the grace and self-possession that should have been theirs by birthright.

Children are naturally imitative, hence the value of example over precept. The children of courteous parents will imbibe courtesy as naturally and unconsciously as the growing plant absorbs oxygen from the air and sunlight that bathes its leaves and petals.

Softly modulated tones should mark the words spoken to a child, and reproof carries an added weight when lowered tones convey the rebuke. Even a baby before it can speak recognizes shades of meaning in the tones the mother utters, and is soothed by the one and startled by the other.-170-

Kindliness, politeness of the parents one towards another, are the first steps toward training children in the acquirement of good manners. Gentleness and sweetness of manner can be taught at the cradle far more surely than from the school-room desk, and when baby has learned to preface its little wants with "please," and Master Four Years-old to run and open the door for mamma, or mamma's visitors, or to give up the easiest chair without being asked, the firm foundation has been laid for courteous behavior in after life.

And so on, all through the school years, boys and girls may be so taught to respect one another's possessions, letters, feelings, and to discriminate closely between meum and tuum after such wise that they will be made better husbands, better wives, better citizens, for all their days.

Slang and Exaggerations.

And if we talk with flippancy and exaggeration, load our sentences with slang phrases, and preface and punctuate them with oft-repeated expressions of "Say!" "Well!" "You know," "Do tell," and so on, ad infinitum, all wisdom, or propriety of speech will be lost.

It is difficult to believe in the refinement of a girl who permits her fresh young lips to utter the slang of the bar-room hanger-on, the gambler and the street gamin.

Equally difficult is it to believe in the absolute truthfulness of one who declares to you that the heat of a lovely June day is "simply awful" or "perfectly terrible," from sheer wonder as to what terms-172- she would use to characterize the intense heat of some sweeping fire.

Again, it is hard to understand the taste of one who informs you gravely that "the chicken salad was too lovely for anything!" or the last evening's sunset was "perfectly elegant!" The Websterian definition of "elegant" being "polished, stylish, refined, etc.," it is to be wished that all perpetrators of like sins could meet the punishment a young lady once dealt to a gentleman who remarked with great effusion: "This moonlight is perfectly elegant!" To this observation she answered with gravity, "Yes, it really is very stylish!"

Let, therefore, all who strive for the grace of good breeding, men and women, boys and girls alike, "set a watch over their lips and keep the door of their mouth," for "words have wings, and so soon as their cage, the mouth, is opened, out they fly and mount beyond our reach, and past recovery."

Some Do’s for Girls.

The following hints for girls, each prefaced by the auxiliary "Do," will prove a safe guide, not only for the girls but for any of their elders who may choose to follow them.

Do answer your letters soon after they are received, and do try to reply to them with some relation to their contents; a rambling, ill-considered letter is a satire upon your education.

Do observe; the faculty of observation, well cultivated, makes practical men and women.

Do try to remember where you put your gloves and cardcase; keep the former mended and the latter filled.

Do recollect that your health is more important than your amusements; you can live without one, but you'll die early without the other.

Do try to be sensible; it is not a particular sign of superiority to talk like a fool.

Do be ready in time for church; if you do not respect yourself sufficiently to be punctual, respect the feelings of other people.

Do avoid causes of irritation in your family circle; do reflect that home is the place in which to be agreeable.

Do cultivate the habit of listening to others; it will make you an invaluable member of society, to say nothing of the advantage it will be to you.

Do be truthful; do avoid exaggeration; if you mean a mile say a mile, not a mile and a half; if you mean one say one, and not a dozen.

Young Ladies, Take Heed.

Do, sometimes, at least, allow your mother to know better than you do; she was educated before you were born.

Do, if you have brothers, try to gain their confidence, to be interested in their sports, to cultivate their manners, not by censure, but by the force of your own example.

Do laugh, girls, not boisterously, not constantly, but clearly and pleasantly, but don't giggle. If girls from fourteen to eighteen could only understand the vulgarity of continually putting their heads together and giggling, as if the whole world was a supremely ridiculous affair, about which they must chuckle, and whisper, when in truth their own actions are the one thing ridiculous, they would refrain from such unmitigated nonsense.

Do be exquisitely neat in your attire. Beware of the lawn dress, the light kids, the collar, the laces that are worn once too often.

Do be careful about giving away your photographs, especially to men. You would hardly like to hear the comments that are sometimes passed upon them. If you cannot learn to say "No," refrain from displaying them to your gentleman friends.-175-

Some Do’s for Boys.

As for boys, there are a few "Do's" for them to consider if they would become that noblest work of God, a true man, a gentleman.

Do respect your father and mother and give them their proper titles at all times. To call them "the Governor" and "the old lady," does not in the least add to your supposed manliness, but rather displays a very unmanly fear on your part that people might suppose you were in some degree under their authority; not only an unmanly, but a foolish fear, since no one is fit for authority until he has first learned obedience.

Do learn to respect women. Never speak slightingly of their worth, nor trifle with their name. Learn the lesson now, and you will find its value in your manhood.

Do treat your sisters and your girl schoolmates in a gentlemanly manner. You have no idea how much it will add to your own appearance.

Do be determined not to use profane expressions in the presence of ladies, children, or ministers, or anywhere else.

Do keep your lips from uttering coarse and unclean things that you would blush to have overheard by mother or sister. More than this, do not listen to them from the lips of others. A pure-minded boy will be a pure-minded man.

Do take care of your various belongings; do not expect mother or sisters to pick up your necktie, your gloves, your schoolbooks, your hat, from as many different places as there are articles, and put them properly away. It is quite as necessary for boys or men to have some neatness in their habits as for girls or women. Do learn to help yourself occasionally. It is quite possible that you should be able to arrange a necktie, comb your hair, or get the articles together for a fresh toilet without calling some one to your assistance. Quite possible and vastly convenient for other members of the household.-176-

Do be neat in personal appearance; collars, handkerchiefs and cuffs, should be spotlessly clean, and hands and finger nails receive careful attention.

Do not fail to use three brushes every day—the tooth-brush, the clothes-brush and the blacking-brush.

Do break yourself of disagreeable personal habits. Do not yawn in people's faces, lounge in your chair, scratch head or person, or clean finger-nails when others are present.

Do decide that temperate habits are more manly than intemperate ones, and don't think that it is one of your "rights" to smoke cigarettes.

Do be careful of your manners. Remember that as the twig is bent, so the tree is inclined, and that the polished boy will be the polished man. Polish, it is to be understood, is not inconsistent with strength, but rather adds to it. The strongest machinery is of the finest polish, and the Damascus blade is of the surest mettle.

Do be sure to give up your seat in omnibus or car to a lady. Even if she be not sufficiently grateful, you have shown your good breeding.

Do remember to remove your hat when you enter a house, private office, hotel elevator (if ladies are present), when you bow to a lady or when you offer to assist a lady.

Guard the Voice.

A harsh voice, or shrill, high-pitched tones, are a source of discomfort to all who hear them. Nothing gives a more favorable impression of good breeding than a voice, musical, clear, low in its key, and careful in its articulation.

George Eliot, who had a face of extreme plainness, possessed a low musical voice that had a perfect fascination for the listener. At-177- times such a voice is the gift of nature, but usually it requires careful cultivation, and the earlier the age at which this cultivation begins, the surer and the simpler is the price of success.

Children can be early taught not to raise their voices shrilly to demand attention, but to speak softly and gently at home, and then their "company voice" will possess a natural quality. Train the tones softly and sweetly now, and they will keep in tune through life.

Those whose early education in this respect has been neglected will win success only at the price of eternal vigilance. A few lessons in voice culture will work wonders in training the ear to appreciate the different keys, the voice to acquire lower and richer tones, and the articulation to become clear and distinct.

Even where there are serious vocal defects, such as stammering, lisping, etc., they can be relieved by some good teacher of voice-culture. Indeed, some attention to the culture of voices ought to become a necessary part of education. A low, sweet voice is like a lark's song in heart and home, and the self-control necessary to always keep it at this harmonious level, exercises a most salutary influence over mind and temper.

How to Treat Servants.

A large proportion of the domestic economy in many households is left entirely in the hands of servants, and on the good or ill behavior of these servants depends the comfort of the home, and the behavior of the servants depends very greatly upon the behavior of their employers toward them. The manner even of addressing servants in this country is rather important, offense being so readily taken at what is deemed disrespect.

Men servants may be addressed by their last name without any prefix. If they have been in the family a long time the first name may be used, if desired. In addressing servants that are perfect strangers it can be generally managed without the use of any name. In writing to them address without prefix, as, Robert Johnson.

Do not be insolent towards, or demand too much of, servants.-178- They have very much the same feelings of pride that the house-mistress has, and the less those feelings are wounded the better help they will render.

Do not reprimand them before guests. Nothing so injures their self-respect or so tends to make them careless. Whatever the blunder, be apparently unmoved in the presence of your guests. Save all reproof until their departure. Have a perfect understanding of the work you would have them perform, if you would have them accomplish it satisfactorily. Ignorance never yet made a good master or mistress, and always puts a premium on incompetency on the part of employés.

Have Rules and Enforce Them.

Require all house servants to be quiet in their movements, not to slam doors or rattle china. Impress upon them the importance of dressing neatly. Teach them to treat all comers with politeness; to answer the door-bell promptly and to thoroughly understand whatever rules you may have about being "engaged" or "not at home."

If reproof is to be administered or orders, given, it is much better that the servant be called upstairs to receive them, than for the house mistress to descend to the kitchen. This will insure an opportunity should dispute arise of dismissing the employé to the kitchen with but loss of dignity on her part; while, if it is in the kitchen that the difference of opinion may arise, the house-mistress must herself leave the field.

Insist upon systematic arrangement of the week's work, and punctuality in carrying out its details. Explain carefully to all newly-engaged servants the routine of the house and expect them to conform to it. Be mild but firm in exercising authority, and servants will respect you and your rules.

If there is a housekeeper, all these details will be committed to her hands, and she has need to be competent, compelling respect, to be fitted for the position. Teach servants not to expect fees from your visitors.

Respect all their privileges. See that their evenings out, and their-179- precious Sunday afternoons are not encroached upon. Give them all the needed opportunity to attend their own place of worship. See that children of the family are respectful toward them, not disturbing them at their work; prefacing their requests with "please," and thanking them for any favor.

Rights of Others.

Respect the rights of all members of the household. Remember that each one has a perfect right to open his or her own correspondence. No difference if one is ready to confide the contents of the letter the moment it is read, there is still a pleasure in opening one's own correspondence.

Respect the belongings of another, no matter how close the relationship. The careful member of the family suffers at seeing his belongings misused and destroyed by the careless one. Discourage borrowing among the members of a family. Teach each one to have all necessary articles of their own and to care for them properly.

Guests in a family should also be very careful in this respect. Boxes, drawers, or any repositories of any kind, should be scrupulously respected. Private papers, even if not protected by lock and key, should not be glanced at. A due observance of these rules, while making home life pleasanter, might in after years lead to a little less tampering with the larger rights of law and property, for "manners are but the shadows of great virtues."

JEAN PAUL RICHTER, in his great work on education (Levana), intimates that we scarcely realize the momentous possibilities that lie all about us folded up in the heart of childhood, as the blushing petals of the beauteous blossom yet to be lie folded close within the sheltering calyx.

"Do you know," he queries, "whether the little boy who plucks flowers at your side may not one day, from his island of Corsica, descend as a war-god into a stormy universe to play with hurricanes for destruction, or to purify and plant the world with harvests?" And just because we do not know the extent of these possibilities, children must be carefully trained to fill whatever post or province may be theirs in the time to come.

Now, they are in our hands to mold as we will; then, they will be the masters, and much of the character of their sway will depend upon the guidance of the present. Viewed in this light, the manners and the morals of children, closely associated as they are, become of the greatest importance to the world.

Power of Example.

Teach the embryo man or woman, in the nursery, the traits, the habits, the customs of the best etiquette, and you have stamped upon them, at an age when the character is impressible as wax, not only the outer semblance, but, in a great degree, the inner reality, of a true man or woman.

Let the children grow up in a home where rude gestures, or ill-tempered words are unknown, where truthfulness, kindliness, for-181-getfulness of self and careful consideration of others, permeates the very atmosphere, and they will go forth into the world armed with the integrity in which all men may trust, the polish that will win them admiration, and the true refinement that will render their friendship elevating.

See, also, that there is perfect unanimity between the parents as to the government and instruction of the children in the household, and, if any difference should arise, it should be settled in private. Children, being strongly imitative, are best taught by example. Never reprove unless absolutely necessary, and never let the voice rise excitedly to ensure obedience. By keeping your own voice low and calm, you do much toward lowering the key of their high-pitched, childish treble, and soothing the troubled waters of their souls.

Keeping Promises.

Never permit yourself to threaten where you do not perform; children are quick to learn the value of your promises, and place very accurate estimates, in their own minds, as to what their parents will, or will not do under given circumstances. Absolute truthfulness can never be taught a child by precept, when by constant example he is taught that the word of his parents has little or no value in his own case, so far as threats and punishments, or even rewards, extend. If a punishment is the penalty for a broken law, see that it is inflicted; if a reward is promised, be sure that it is given.

Enjoin upon children strict justice in their dealings one with another, even in their games, never allowing the stronger to impose upon the weak, but teaching forbearance and tenderness in all their actions.

Talebearing.

Discourage, as far as possible, all talebearing in the home, and, as a rule, do not listen to complaints, and long recitals of injuries received from little playfellows. Care in this respect will nip in the bud the tendency toward exaggeration and talebearing that so early develops in a child, and so soon matures into the "gossip" of riper years. This demand for exactitude in childish statements will pave the way-182- for strictly truthful declarations in the more important affairs of later life, redounding thus to the lasting benefit of the individual and the community.

Truthfulness.

The least approach toward prevarication, or concealment of their childish misdemeanors, should be treated as a grave fault. To prevent, as far as possible, all attempts at disguising the truth, penalties for faults should rarely be of so severe a nature that the little transgressor resorts to evasion through fear of the consequences.

Respectfulness.

Children should be taught to be respectful toward their parents and others older than themselves, to be polite towards those of their own age, and very thoughtful for the comfort of the sick and weak. Respect must also be shown toward servants and dependants, and no unnecessary demands made upon their time or services.

Obedience.

Prompt obedience should always be demanded of a child, and the spirit of murmuring and questioning firmly repressed. None can command except they have first learned to obey.

Do not allow children to tease, nor, having once refused on good and sufficient ground, suffer your consent to be gained by siege. Make your refusal final, but do not refuse thoughtlessly, or for mere caprice. The wishes of a child are as real to him as those of grown people are to them.

Manner of Address.

Rudeness and abruptness must never be tolerated in the manners of a child. "Yes," and "no," in reply, and "what?" in interrogatory, are uncouth and disagreeable in sound. "Yes, sir," "Yes, ma'am," and "What, ma'am," are much better substituted, but even these are open to criticism. English etiquette relegates "Sir" and "Ma'am" to the use of servants, save in case of addressing the higher nobility when "Sir" is sometimes used.-183-

The better and more graceful etiquette of the day would teach a child to say, "Yes, mamma," "No, papa;" or a student at school to address the teachers as, "Yes, Prof. Stanley," "No, Miss Livingstone." If they fail to understand a remark, a quick, "Beg pardon," or, "I beg your pardon," or even, "I did not understand," can soon be taught to even childish lips and never be forgotten as they advance to maturity. The use of "Please," and "Thank you," or, "I thank you," (never the thankless "Thanks,") should be early impressed upon their minds.

Teach them never to speak of grown people without prefixing "Mr.", "Mrs.", or "Miss," to their name. It is very objectionable for a child to fall into the habit of saying "Brown did so and so," instead of, "Mr. Brown, etc." Insist, too, that at school they shall never say "Teacher," but address their preceptor by his proper name.

Impress upon children that they must answer politely when spoken to, but strictly repress any tendency on their part toward questioning visitors at the house. Here let it be added, for the benefit of their elders, that nothing can be a surer evidence of ill-breeding than for a grown person to question a child in regard to his family affairs.

Interrupting Conversation.

Never permit children to interrupt the conversation of their elders, and see, as a preparation for this, that among the little ones themselves, one who has a story to tell is permitted to finish without an impatient brother or sister breaking in with his, or her, version of the same tale. See that each has his turn and many of the noisy disagreements of the playroom will thus be done away with.

Insist, too, upon the lowering of each eager little voice, and a long step will have been taken toward doing away with the high-keyed voices and the all-talking-together habits that afflict so many of their elders.

See, too, that the children, while not allowed to interrupt the conversation of grown persons, receive in some degree the same consideration from them. In other words, let the children talk sometimes, and-185- listen to them sincerely and respectfully. There is no better way to train a child in courtesy than to observe toward it the most scrupulous politeness, and a child whose own conversation is respected can be easily taught to respect the conversation of others, and to know when to talk and when to be silent.

This habit of listening, inculcated in childhood, will do much toward forming agreeable members of society in after years. If a guest should converse with a child for a moment, watch that it does not make itself tiresome by engaging his or her entire attention.

“Showing Off.”

Never "show off" children to visitors. It fosters in them a feeling of vanity, and is often very tedious to the persons upon whom it is inflicted, it being barely possible that your own estimate of their brilliancy is not shared by outsiders.

Neither should strangers be allowed, under any circumstances, at home or abroad, to tease a child "just for fun." Its angry answers may be amusing, but the practice is one that works irreparable injury to the child. As soon as this tendency is discovered in a visitor, send the child quietly, but firmly, from the room, remarking casually, when it is gone, "that children are apt to be troublesome when they talk too much."

Reproof Before Others.

Never, unless it is absolutely unavoidable, reprove a child in the presence of strangers. To do this injures their feeling of self-respect. It is an annoyance to the visitor also. While it frequently happens that a word of timely admonition is necessary, all extended reproof should be left until alone with the child.

Cleanliness and Order.

Insist upon cleanliness in dress, and teach the children early that their hair should be combed, their teeth and finger-nails clean, and their clothing fresh and neat upon all occasions.

Teach the boys that their shoes should be polished and free from-186- dust, and their clothes thoroughly brushed. Slippers should be furnished boys for house wear, and the importance of using a doormat before entering should be early impressed upon both girls and boys. Teach them also order and care as to their personal belongings, and the lessons of neatness thus early inculcated will be of untold value in their after life.

Home Hints.

Cultivate in children the habit of assuming pleasing attitudes. Do not let them constantly lounge about over chairs, couches and tables, and their company manners will not then be a terror in the house. Teach them the proper use of a handkerchief, and insist that they observe it.

Instruct them what to do with their hands and feet, never twisting the former, or swinging the latter. Never permit them to scratch the head or person, to clean ears or finger nails, or to use a toothpick in public. Teach them to suppress a yawn or to conceal the mouth with the hand.

Do not let them pass in front of people in a room, or, if from the arrangement of the furniture it is impossible to avoid so doing, let them ask to be excused.

If they should accidently tread upon the toes, or otherwise disturb a guest, teach them at once to apologize with an "Excuse me," or, "I beg your pardon." Do not permit them to slam doors, or to shout up and down stairs. Never allow requests or messages to be called from one end of the house to the other; insist upon a child coming into the room with whatever he or she may have to say.

Impress upon boys and girls not to stare at others, nor to take any apparent notice of personal peculiarities, deformities, or oddities of dress or demeanor. Teach the children always to play a fair game upon the playground, and not to lose their tempers over any little difference of opinion that may arise during its course.

Do not allow them to be cruel in their treatment of animals; to do so, is to deliberately teach them habits of cruelty for a lifetime and render them brutal in disposition.-187-

“Visiting.”

Children should not be allowed to "visit" other children solely upon the request of the children. The invitation should come from the parents. Otherwise great annoyance may result from such unconsidered calls.

Do not take children while making formal visits. They are often an annoyance, and always a check upon conversation. If they must be taken, do not allow them to meddle with anything in the room, nor to interrupt the conversation. Neither should they be permitted to handle the belongings, or finger the attire, of callers at the house. Do not take them to art galleries, artist's or sculptor's studios, and never allow them to meddle with goods in stores.

Slang, Profanity, Intemperance.

Slang should be eliminated, as much as possible, from the household vocabulary. Boys should be taught that profanity, or vulgarity in expression, far from being manly, only lowers them in the estimation of all sensible people.

It should also be early impressed upon them that there is danger in the use of liquor in any form, as well as folly in falling into the tobacco habit.

At Table.

Punctuality at the table should be taught first of all. The little table observances so necessary to refinement of manner should be early inculcated. Table manners (see proper department) should be taught at the earliest age that the child is capable of appearing at the table. The proper use of knife, fork, spoon and napkin should be impressed upon their minds from the first, and much after annoyance will be saved.

Teach them to eat quietly without any noise of mastication, swallowing or drinking being audible. Insist upon their sitting still while waiting to be served and not to play with knife, napkin ring or other small articles on the table.-188-

Insist upon their breaking bread, instead of cutting it, and never to pick up one piece of bread or cake from the plate and then exchange it for another.

Teach them to eat fruit properly, to use finger bowls, if such are provided, and to keep their lips closed as much as possible while eating. Teach them to pass a pitcher with the handle toward the one served, and not to eat with one hand and pass some article with the other.

See that they do not eat too fast—both health and appearances being considered in this item—and that they do not talk with their mouths full. Teach them to turn away their heads and cover their mouth with their hand, if obliged to cough, sneeze or yawn at table, and, as soon as possible, require them to suppress these exhibitions. Never let them pick their teeth at the table, or lounge upon it with their elbows while eating.

Leaving the Table.

If children must leave the table before the meal is over, they should ask to be excused, and should never rise with their mouth full. When they have once left the table, do not, as a rule, permit them to return, for a child soon falls into the habit, if permitted, of leaving the table to play, and returning to complete his meal.

Teach children not to complain of the food set before them; but, at the same time, if a child has known likes or dislikes, they should be, to a certain extent, gratified, since, to some delicately constituted temperaments, a compelled partaking of some obnoxious dish is a real torture. Teach them also to acquire a liking for as large a variety of food as possible. In after life, on many occasions, this may be a great convenience.

In conclusion, let it be added that the Department on Home Etiquette should be read in connection with this, especially the section devoted to children. See to it carefully that children are not taught one code of manners for company use, and permitted to exercise no manners for home use.

“MAN is essentially a dining animal. Creatures of the inferior races eat and drink; only man dines!" And he should do it properly.

"To invite a friend to dinner," says Brillat Savarin, "is to become responsible for his happiness so long as he is under your roof."

If, therefore, any lady would entertain her friends in the best manner that her means permit, it will be well for her to understand the routine of the table herself, and never trust entirely to the skill of an ordinary cook. It is hardly to be expected that she should understand the preparation of each dish, but she must be capable of judging it when served. If she distrusts her own power of arranging a menu, and seeing it properly carried out, the dinner should be ordered from the best of caterers. Then, with full assurance of perfect cookery, and faultless service, one may prepare one's list of favored guests with a peaceful conscience and a mind free from care.

Invitations.

Forms of invitations suited to all classes of dinners, have been given at length in the department devoted to that subject, and acceptances and regrets for the same carefully explained, together with the obligation upon every one to answer all such invitations at once, either in the affirmative or negative. Since a dinner is, in all respects, so important a social event that the least one can do is to signify immediately one's course of action, Sidney Smith was not so far out of the way when he burlesqued the solemnity of the occasion, and the-190- aversion that all dinner-givers have to an empty chair, when he wittily wrote: "A man should, if he die after having accepted an invitation to dinner, leave his executors a solemn charge to fill his place."

Host and Hostess.

The hostess is expected to put her guests, as much as possible, at their ease. She must encourage the timid, and watch the requirements of all. No accident must ruffle her temper. In short, she must, for the time, be that perfect woman who is—

She must not seem to watch her servants; she must not scold them. Her brow must remain smooth through all embarrassing hitches, her smile be bright and quick, her attentions close and complimentary to her guests.

On the host devolves the duty of drawing out any of the guests with whose particular specialties he is acquainted, and his manners, too, must at least simulate ease, if he have it not. Let host and hostess refrain from boasting of the price of any article of food upon the table.

Whom to Invite.

All the tact and good breeding at the command of the hostess should be exercised, first in choosing, then in arranging, the guests to be present. Not too many are to be bidden to the ordinary dinner; six, eight and twelve are desirable numbers, and four frequently forms the cosiest party imaginable.

The reason of thus arranging for even numbers arises from the fact that, in a mixed dinner party, it is well to have as many ladies as gentlemen. The conversation will then be prevented from dropping into long, or heated, discussions, both of which are destructive of pleasure. It will also be found pleasant to invite the young, and those of more advanced years, together for an occasion of this sort.

Large parties may be made very enjoyable, but where there are more than eight or ten at table general conversation becomes imprac-191-ticable. Twenty-four, and even thirty, guests, however, when well selected, may make a very brilliant and successful gathering. Too brilliant a conversationalist is not always a desirable acquisition, since he may silence and put in the shade the remainder of the company to an extent that is hardly agreeable even to the meekest among them.

A small dinner of one's most intimate friends is easily arranged. An eminent artist, author, musician, to pose as chief guest, renders it always easy to select among one's other acquaintances a sufficient number who would be pleased with, and pleasing to, this bright, particular star. Or, if it be a bride, or a woman of fashion, to whom the courtesy is to be extended, it is equally easy to find a sufficient number of guests of similar social standing and aspirations to make the occasion a success.

There is also the satisfaction of knowing that, as one cannot possibly invite all of one's dear five hundred friends to a little dinner, no one can be offended at being left out, thus rendering it easy to choose one's list to fit the circumstances.

Do not invite more guests than there is room to comfortably seat. Nothing so spoils a dinner as crowding the guests.

Seating the Guests.

Since, at no social entertainment are the guests so dependent upon one another for mutual entertainment as at a dinner, both by reason of its smallness and the compactness of arrangement, it will be seen that an equal care devolves upon the hostess in seating as in inviting her guests.

The most tedious of one's friends can be tolerated at a party where it is possible to turn to others for relief, but to be chained for two or three hours, with the necessity upon you of talking, or trying to talk, to the same dull or conceited individual that the fates have unkindly awarded as your companion, is a severe social strain upon equanimity of soul.

Hence, each hostess should strive to so arrange her guests that like-minded people should be seated together, and people with hob-192-bies should either be handed over to those likewise possessed, or into the hands of some sympathetic listener, thus securing the pleasure of all.

Known enemies should be seated as far apart as possible, and, in reality, should never be invited to the same dinner. If this should inadvertently happen, they must remember that common respect for their hostess demands that they recognize one another with ordinary politeness.

Laying the Table.

Much has been said upon this subject in the department of "Table Etiquette," and as laying the table formally for a state affair approaches so nearly the proper setting of the home table, much will be found there that is available upon this important topic.

The table, which, since the introduction of the extension, is no longer the cosy round form which brought the guests so comfortably near one another, should be first covered with heavy felting, or double Canton flannel. Over this is to be laid the heaviest, snowiest damask cloth that the linen closet affords. This should have been faultlessly laundried, and is accompanied by large, fine napkins matching the cloth in design. These should be very simply folded, and without starch, and are laid just beyond the plate toward the center of the table. Square is the best form for folding, and each should contain a small thick piece of bread in its folds. This should be about three inches long and at least an inch thick. This is to be eaten with the soup, not crumbed into it. A roll sometimes takes its place. Some hostesses have the bread passed in a silver basket.

A plate is furnished each place, large enough to contain the Majolica plate for raw oysters. Of course a small plain plate may be used for these, but those designed for the purpose are much more elegant. A tiny, fancy salt is provided for each place (see farther in "Table Etiquette").

Two knives, three forks, and a soup spoon, all of silver, are placed at each plate. Some dinner-givers place the knives, forks, and spoon, all on the right side of the plate, excepting the small, peculiarly--193-shaped oyster fork, which is placed at the left, it having been decided that raw oysters shall be eaten with the fork in the left hand, prongs down.

Still other hostesses place the knives and spoon at the right hand, the forks at the left, the oyster fork diagonally, with the prongs crossing the handles of the others, the law of their arrangement being nowise immutable in its nature.

Silver, glass, and china, should all be of the brightest. At the right hand of each guest should be placed an engraved glass for water. To make certain that these are in line all around, it is well to measure with the hand from the edge of the table to the tip of the middle finger and there place the glass; following this rule around the entire circumference. This glass, if wine is used, gives a center, round which the vari-colored wineglasses may be grouped.

A Well-Furnished Sideboard.

The sideboard should contain relays of knives, forks, and spoons, in rows; glasses, dinner plates, finger bowls standing on the fruit plates, as well as any other accessories that may be needed. At another sideboard, or table, the head waiter, or the butler, does the carving. If the room is small, this last may be relegated to hall or pantry.

In luxurious houses the sideboards are often devoted to bewildering displays of rare china, and cut glass, but in more modest domiciles they are used simply for the needs of the hour.

Water carafes (water bottles) are placed between every two or three guests. The table should be laid in time,—thus, if the dinner is to be at seven, all things should be in readiness on table and sideboard at six o'clock; this course preventing the slightest confusion. If the dinner napkins are to be changed for smaller ones, these also should be laid in readiness. All the cold dishes, salads, relishes, condiments, etc., should also be on hand.

The most elegant tables frequently have a long mat, or scarf, of ruby, or some other colored plush, with fringed and embroidered ends,-194- laid the entire length down through the center of the table. This affords a charming contrast to the snowy napery, and sets the keynote of color for the floral decorations. The center decorative pieces are now no longer high, thus rendering a glimpse of the person opposite almost impossible, but are low and long.

A mirror, framed in silver, may be set in the center of one of these plush mats; and upon this artistically arranged floral decorations are placed to be reflected in its polished depths. Where massive silver table-wares are heirlooms in the family, they are used, despite their height. Center pieces that are recent purchases, are usually of glass, cut and jewelled, until their brilliancy is a marvel in the lamplight.

Table Decorations.

Where the resources of the dinner-giver are limited, the simple decoration of a few flowers arranged in a fanciful basket, or a rare old bowl filled with roses, is sufficient, and is far more indicative of taste and breeding than many of the set floral pieces fresh from the florist's hand, and speaking more eloquently of the size of his bill, than of taste or appropriateness.

The fancy of the hour, and a pretty one it is, is for massing one variety of flower for decorative purposes. Banks of crimson roses down the center of the snowy cloth, or great clusters of vivid red flowers, can be very effectively employed. Shells may be filled with flowers and used as a table decoration. A large one in the middle, and a smaller one on each side, has a pleasing effect. At each plate a small bouquet of flowers may be laid, those for the gentlemen arranged as buttonholes.

In choosing the flowers for decorations, avoid those blossoms having a heavy fragrance, such as the tuberose, jasmines, syringas, as their penetrating odor is productive of faintness in some, and is disagreeable to many, while roses, lilies, lilacs, and many other delicately-scented blossoms, are pleasant to all.

Naturalness is to be aimed at in these decorations, and set floral pieces are in bad taste at a private dinner. Though hundreds of-195- dollars may have been spent in the fleeting loveliness of flowers, the effect to be aimed at is naturalness rather than display. A border of holly, or ivy leaves freshly gathered, may be sewed around the plush scarf through the center of the table, and is a beautiful decoration, far outshining gold embroidery and lace.

Harmonize the color of this scarf with the decorations of the dining-room. Blue, however, or green, does not light up well, while ruby, or some other red, brings out the effect of glass, china, and silver to the best advantage. Old gold, or olive-brown, is also very pretty. The dining-room should be carpeted to deaden the sound of footsteps.

Lighting the Table.

Gas is, perforce, the most common, but not by any means the most æsthetic means of table illumination, because of its heating and glaring qualities. Wax candles are extremely pretty with tissue shades to match the prevailing tint of the other decorations, besides giving an opportunity for displaying all manner of pretty conceits in candelabra. About twenty-six candles will, all other conditions being favorable, light a table for twelve guests. Much depends, however, on whether the dining-room is finished in light or dark woods as to the number of candles required. Very carefully filled and carefully cared-for lamps of pretty designs are also, especially in country places, an admirable method of lighting the table.

Serving the Dinner.

There are two methods of performing this most important function of the entire dinner, namely, service à la Russe, and the American service. The first named, the Russian service, is universally adopted in all countries at dinners where the requisite number of sufficiently well-trained servants are to be had.

This service, which consists in having all articles of food carved, and otherwise prepared, and brought to the guests separately by waiters, or footmen, as they are called in England at private tables, has the advantage of leaving the host and hostess free to converse-196- with their guests. It also has another advantage of presenting the table, as the guests enter the room, free from dishes, save the oyster plates, glass, silver, flowers, and perhaps at the two ends of the board, Bohemian glass flagons, of ruby-red, containing such decanted wines as do not need icing.

The table also, being so carefully cleared at the end of each course, should present about the same faultless appearance at the close of the feast as at its beginning. The guests being seated at their respective places, Majolica plates containing raw oysters on the half-shell, or otherwise, with a piece of lemon in the center are, if not already in place, immediately put before each guest. The roll, or piece of bread, should be at once removed from the folds of the napkin, and the servants, when all are seated, pass red and black pepper. The oyster plates are then removed and plates of soup follow, dished from a side table by the head waiter, and served by two others, who pass down opposite sides of the table carrying each two dishes. Where two kinds of soup are provided, each guest is given the choice.

How the Dishes are to be Passed.

The servants, in passing the dishes, begin with the guest upon the right hand of the master on one side of the table, ending with the mistress of the house. Upon the other side they begin with the guest upon her right and end with the host. As one servant passes the meat or fish, another should follow, bearing the appropriate sauce or vegetable that accompanies it.

The servants should wear thin-soled shoes, step lightly, be ungloved, and always have a small-sized damask napkin wrapped around the thumb of the right hand, as dexterity in handling the dishes requires that they should extend the thumb over the edge of the dish.

They should pass all dishes at the left of the guests, that their right hand may be free to take them. Wines only are excepted, these being always poured at the right. Servants should never lean across any guest at table in order to reach or pass an article.-197-

In passing an entrée (ongtray), which is simply a dish served in the first course after fish, the dish should be supplied with a silver spoon and fork and held low enough so that the guests can help themselves easily. Entrées follow the roasts sometimes, as well as, or instead of, coming after fish. Sweetbreads and croquettes come under this head. These require hot plates.

The soup removed, which should be done quickly as possible, fish should be immediately served, together with whatever vegetables form the accompaniment. When these plates are removed the roast meats are served on hot plates. One vegetable is usually served with each meat course, and occasionally some vegetable forms a course by itself. This, however, only lengthens out the repast, and is not to be recommended.

A fresh plate is served with each course, it being the rule that no two meals should be eaten from the same plate.

Serving the Different Courses.

Game forms the next course, with such sauces and accompaniments as are desired. The salad follows and usually forms a course by itself, accompanied by crackers, or thinly buttered half slices of brown bread. These are usually passed in a silver breadbasket.

Roman punch, when it is served, comes between the roasts and the game, thus preparing the palate for the new flavor. Cheese follows the salad sometimes, and sometimes accompanies it. Then the ices and sweets. When the ices are removed, the desert plates, overlaid with a dainty doily, upon which is set a finger-bowl, are passed, and the fruits appear. Confections are then served, to be followed with black coffee in tiny after-dinner coffee-cups, which are passed on a salver, together with lump sugar, and small gold or silver spoons; no cream. The strong, French Café et noir, or black coffee, is always used.

If liquors are served they come in here, a decanter of Cognac being frequently handed around with the coffee.

Jellies for the meats, relishes such as olives, celery and radishes;-198- all the sharp sauces and condiments which are to be used during the meal, are on a sideboard, together with a silver breadbasket containing a reserve of bread.

The butler should have some means of signalling for anything wanted by means of a bell that rings in the kitchen, also of letting the cook know when it is time to send up another course.

Guests, while not expected to ask for second helpings of any course, are always permitted to ask for renewed supplies of bread, water or champagne when wished.

All dishes are to be removed quietly, and either placed in a dumbwaiter or given in charge of a maidservant just outside the door. If it is necessary to have any dishes or silver used again, they must be cleansed out of sight and hearing of the guests, as also no odor of cookery must reach the dining-room. Large, flat baskets must be in readiness to transport the china and silver to the kitchen.

To wait at a large dinner the attendants should average one to every three people: hence, it will be well for the small household to engage outside attendance. Very skilful servants have been known to successfully attend to as many as six guests, but one must be sure of this beforehand.

The Menu.

It will be seen after a perusal of this that the order of the formal, modern dinner à la Russe, is very much as follows: Oysters, soup, fish, roast, entrées, Roman punch, game, salad and cheese, dessert, fruits, sweets, coffee. To make this clearer, one bill of fare will be given as an example, always remembering that the number of courses may be lessened in order to suit the taste or purse of the host. Many courses are not a necessity, but the finest quality and the best of cookery should mark each dish served.

Every dinner should begin with soup, to be followed by fish, and include some kind of game. To this order there is no repeal, since "soup is to the dinner," says De la Regnier, "what the portico is to the building or the overture is to an opera." From this there is never any deviation.-199-

Oysters on the Half-shell. Mock Turtle Soup.
Salmon with Lobster Sauce. Cucumbers. Chicken Croquettes.
Tomato Sauce. Roast Lamb with Spinach.
Canvas-back Duck. Celery. String Beans served on Toast.
Lettuce Salad. Cheese Omelet.
Pineapple Bavarian Cream. Charlotte Russe.
Ices. Fruits. Coffee.

Each course may be served on dishes different from the other courses; also fancy dishes, unlike any of the rest, may be used to pass relishes, such as olives, and add greatly to the beauty of the table service. Suitable sets for fish and game, decorated in accordance, are greatly to be admired.

Menu holders are frequently very pretty, and upon the menu card itself much taste and expense are sometimes lavished. Still it is not considered good taste to have them at every plate, for the reason that it savors too much of hotel style. The guests are expected to allow their glasses to be filled at every course. If it is something for which they do not care, they may content themselves with a few morsels of bread and a sip or two of water until the next course is served. The host should always have a menu at his plate, that he may see if the dinner is moving properly in its appointed course.

Favors.

Very pretty favors besides flowers are frequently laid at the ladies' plates to serve as souvenirs of the occasion. The location card or name card may be very beautifully painted. Other articles, such as decorated Easter eggs of plush, velvet, or satin handkerchief holders, fans, painted satin bags, etc., are all in good taste. Each of them, if possible, is made to open and disclose some choice confection. They may be ordered in quantity from some house dealing in such articles, or many of them can be prettily and inexpensively devised at home by any one having sufficient time and taste. Baskets of flowers,-200- with bows of broad satin ribbon tied on one side the handle, are also suitable for both ladies and gentlemen.

Gentlemen's favors are usually useful, such as scarf pins, sleeve buttons, small purses, etc.

Wines, and How to Serve Them.

Fortunately, since more than once the first lady in our land, for the time being, has proven to us by example that the stateliest of dinners may be wineless, it is far from necessary that wine should be served. Still, if wines are to be used, they should be brought on correctly, each wine having its proper place in the varied courses of a dinner, as each note has its fit position in a chord of music.

By long-established custom certain wines have come to be taken with certain dishes. "Sherry and Sauterne," as given by a very good authority, "go with soup and fish; Hock and Claret with roast meats; Punch with turtle; Champagne with sweet breads or cutlets; Port with venison; Port or Burgundy with other game; sparkling wines between the meats and the confectionery; Madeira with sweets; Port with cheese; Sherry and Claret, Port, Tokay and Madeira with dessert."

Red wines should never be iced, even in summer; Claret and Burgundy should always be slightly warmed (left in a warm room is sufficient). Claret-cup and Champagne are iced (some epicures object to this). Cool the wines in the bottles. To put clear ice in the glasses is simply to weaken the quality and flavor of the wine, and, as a matter of fact, to serve wine and water.

The glasses for the various wines are usually grouped at the right of the plate, and as different styles and sizes are used for different wines, it is well for the novice to be accustomed to these in order to avoid the awkwardness of putting forward the wrong glass. High and narrow, also very broad and shallow glasses, are used for Champagne; large, goblet-shaped glasses for Burgundy and a ruby-red glass for Claret; ordinary wineglasses for Sherry and Madeira; green Bohemian glasses for Hock; and large, bell-shaped glasses for Port.-201-

Port, Sherry and Madeira are decanted. Hock and Champagne appear in their native bottles. Claret and Burgundy are handed around in a claret jug. In handing a bottle fresh from the ice-chest the waiter wraps a napkin around it to absorb the moisture.

Coffee and liquors should be handed around when the dessert has been about a quarter of an hour on the table. After this the ladies usually retire, a custom that has happily fallen into disrepute, the coffee being served without the liquors, and ladies and gentlemen partaking of it together. Roman punch is served in all manner of dainty conceits as to glass, imitations of flowers, etc.

Never allow servants to overfill the wineglasses. Ladies never empty their glasses, and usually take but one kind of wine. This is especially true of young ladies, who, very often, do not taste their one glass.

Gracefully Declined.

If wine is not desired from principle, merely touching the brim of the glass with the finger-tip is all the refusal a well-trained servant needs. A still better plan is to permit one glass to be filled and allow it to stand untasted at your plate. In responding to a health, it is ungracious not to, at least, lift the glass and let its contents touch the lips.

Never make your refusal of wine conspicuous. Your position as guest in no wise appoints you a censor of your host's conduct in offering wine at his table, and any marked feeling displayed on the subject would simply show a want of consideration and good breeding.

A dinner given to a person of known temperance principles is often marked, in compliment, by an entire absence of wine.

If there is but one wine served with a simple dinner, it should be Sherry or Claret, and should be in glass decanters on the table. The guests can help themselves; the hostess can offer it immediately after soup.

The announcement of dinner is given as quietly as possible. The butler, or head waiter, who should be in full evening dress, minus gloves, quietly says, "Dinner is served," or, as in France, "Madame-202- is served." Better still, he catches the eye of the hostess and simply bows, whereupon she immediately rises, and the guests following her example, the order of the procession to the dining-room is formed at once. The waiters, aside from the head one, are usually in livery.

Order of Precedence.

In the matter of going out to dinner the host takes precedence, giving his right arm to the most honored lady guest. If the dinner is given in honor of any particular guest, she is the one chosen, if not, any bride that may be present, or the oldest lady, or some visitor from abroad. The other guests then fall in line, gentlemen having had their partners pointed out to them, and wherever necessary, introductions are given. The hostess comes last of all, having taken the arm of the gentleman most to be honored. In the dining-room no precedence is observed after the host, save that the younger couples draw back and allow their elders to be seated. Precedence of rank is not as common here as in Europe.

On entering the door, if it is not wide enough to permit of two entering abreast, the gentleman falls back a step and permits the lady to enter first. All remain standing until the hostess seats herself, when the guests find their places, either by means of name cards at their plates, or by a few quiet directions, the gentlemen being seated last. The highest place of honor for gentlemen is at the right of the hostess, the next, at her left, and for ladies at the right and left of their host.

The hostess should never eclipse her guests in her toilet, and neither host nor hostess should endeavor to shine in conversation. To draw out the guests, to lead the conversation in pleasant channels, to break up long discussions, and to discover all possibilities of brilliancy in the company around their board, should be their aim.

The hostess must never press dishes upon her guests, but they are permitted, if they wish, to praise any viand that has pleased them. The hostess must appear to be eating until all the company have finished, and her watchful eye must see that every want is supplied.-203- At the close of the repast the hostess slightly bows to the lady at the right of the host, when all the guests rise and return in order to the drawing-room.

all rise, and the gentlemen remain standing until the ladies leave the room. The gentleman who had the honor of escorting the hostess into the table, walks with her to the door; here she pauses to allow the host's companion to pass through, when the host, who has escorted her thither, returns to the table, the other gentlemen following his example. The hostess is the last lady to leave the room, whereupon her escort closes the door and returns to the table, where the gentlemen group themselves carelessly at one end of the table, for that half hour of conversation and cigars. Where wine is not used the gentlemen frequently remain behind for smoking, and some hosts immediately withdraw with them to the smoking-room. Coffee is frequently served in the drawing-room, where the ladies have had their little chat after the return thither of the gentlemen.

Informal and Easy.

The hostess, assisted by a daughter, or a young lady friend, usually pours the beverage, and the gentlemen pass it around to the ladies, thus forming the most delightfully informal groups for conversation. Sugar is passed by a servant, or else the hostess drops two or three lumps of it in each saucer, a sugar bowl, with sugar tongs, standing beside her. Cream is not the correct thing for after-dinner coffee.

Very many hostesses, however, prefer to have coffee and fruits finish the table menu, after which the entire party retire to the drawing-room, where, for the half or three-quarters of an hour preceding their departure, soft music from some hidden orchestra may be permitted to fill the air with harmony. Occasionally, a little programme is arranged of music and song, to fill this interval. But, in many cases, and wisely, conversation is the preferred entertainment.-204-

French Terms.

Good taste now dictates that the bill of fare, where one is printed or written, should be couched in the "King's English," yet, one is so frequently thrown in positions where a knowledge of the French terms so often used in such cases is somewhat of necessity, that a short glossary of the same may be useful:

Right or Left Arm?

This is a disputed question, for the solution of which each party gives valid reasons. Most gentlemen prefer to give the right arm, since the seating of the lady is at the right side always; but many, to preserve the feudal significance of the custom that bade the good knight keep his sword arm free for defence, if need be, offer the left. Since, too, dinner gowns have usually a train to be managed as best it may, ladies also prefer the tender of the left arm, as that leaves their own left arm free to manage the trailing, silken folds. The right-205- arm, however, has the balance of favor, though gentlemen are bound to follow the example of their host as he precedes them to the dining-room.

Further Hints.

Members of families should never be seated together. This rule has no exceptions. A gentlemen should never forget the wants of the lady under his charge, but the lady should remember not to monopolize his attention exclusively. The gentleman is supposed to be particularly attentive to the lady at his right, to pass the lady on his left anything with which she may be unsupplied, and to be agreeable to the lady opposite.

He will, even if a young man, feel it a mark of respect when he is invited to take an elderly lady down, but if the hostess is careful for the happiness of her guests, he will probably find a young lady at his left hand. In selecting the number of guests, care should be taken that it is not such as shall bring two ladies or two gentlemen together. Odd numbers will do this, while even will not.

American Dinner Services.

The American dinner service is much more simple, and is the one usually adopted in modest establishments in this country. One well-trained maid should be able to render all the assistance required at the table. Given the before-mentioned maid, a lady can, with previous management, give a dinner as elegantly, and perhaps with more perfect hospitality, than where the whole affair is relegated to the hands of an experienced caterer.

In laying the table the same manner of arrangement is to be observed as for dinner à la Russe, save that there are more dishes on the board and the decorations are placed with a view to leaving all the space possible.

Celery is now served in low, flat dishes, and these, together with olives and various relishes, may be placed on the table in all manner of dainty, ornamental dishes. Large spoons for the next course are also supplied.-206-

Oysters are in place when the guests enter the room, and the servant sometimes passes brown bread to eat with them; this is cut thin, buttered and folded. After passing this it is replaced on the sideboard; water is then poured, when, beginning with the oyster plate of the guest at the right of the host, she removes it, and the others, as rapidly as possible, leaving the under plate.

Soup tureen, ladle, and plates, or bowls, are then placed before the hostess and the maid, standing at her left hand, takes the plates one by one, and passes them at the left hand of guests. This accomplished, the tureen is removed, and the host, having finished his soup, is ready for the fish, which is placed before him together with hot plates, and potatoes in some form, accompanied or not by a salad.

Directions to Waiters.

The servant then proceeds to remove the soup-plates and the plates beneath. By this time the host has divided the fish, and, standing at his left hand, the maid takes the plates as he fills them, and passes them, serving first the guest at his right. A piece of fish, a potato, and a little fish sauce, are placed on each plate. If both salad and potato are served at the same course, place the salad dish before the hostess and let her serve it upon small, extra plates or dishes. If salad alone is served, it is usually placed upon the plate with the fish.

The fish-platter should now be removed. The plates may also be taken when it is seen there is no more need of them, beginning with those first served, as it is presumed they will have first finished, since it is etiquette for each guest to begin eating so soon as the plate is placed before him.

The next course is the roast. While the host is carving this, one or more varieties of vegetables are set at hand. Portions of the meat and the accompanying vegetable are placed on the same plate, and the servant passes them in the same order as before, and immediately follows them with the second or third vegetable dish, if two kinds have been placed on the plate. This is where the gentleman sitting next the lady on the host's right can help her and then himself, after-207-wards moving it as she passes the plates, so that the other gentlemen can do likewise.

If a double course is served, which is hardly advisable, save at very large dinners, the lighter dish is placed before the hostess, and the servant presents each plate to her for a portion before passing it. After this the courses do not move so rapidly and the maid remains standing a little back at the left of the hostess' chair where she can easily observe the slightest signal. The hostess signs when the plates are to be removed, and the principal dishes are allowed to remain until the course is finished.

In removing courses no piling up of dishes should be allowed. One plate in each hand is all that can be conveniently managed. After the fish, if other forks are not on the table, they must be supplied for the next course. After the plates are removed, the roast and smaller dishes follow.

Salads and Desserts.

Sherbet, or wines, are served here, if at all. The game, or poultry, comes next, salads or jelly accompanying it. The salad is placed before the hostess. If salad is served in a separate course, it is usually accompanied by cheese, and sometimes by small pieces of brown bread, thinly buttered and folded.

This course finished, everything is removed from the table—plates, dishes, relishes, etc.—crumbs brushed, and the principal dessert-dish placed before the hostess together with every requisite for serving it. The maid then passes the tart or pudding same as the other dishes, taking two plates at a time, and beginning with the two ladies on right and left of host, taking the others in order.

Each person, on receiving a plate in any course, begins to eat, since this facilitates the serving of the dinner and gives warm dishes to all. The maid, during this course, quietly arranges the fruit-plates, finger-bowls, and the after-dinner coffees and tiny spoons upon the sideboard, when she is ready to remove the dishes, and place the fruit-plates in position. The coffees are then put at each guest's right,-208- unless they are to be served afterward in the drawing-room, and the dinner service is virtually ended.

If wine is offered, it is served between the courses, the host helping the lady at his right, and asking the gentleman next to do the same, and so on around the table.

Both host and hostess should have been able to keep up an interest in the conversation at table, and not to betray the slightest anxiety as to the success of the affair. Host or hostess should never make disparaging remarks as to the quality of dishes; and still less should they refer to their costliness, and should know beforehand as to the edge of the carving-knife, as the use of a steel is not permissible.

The foregoing rules will be found to embody the simplest and most correct method of serving a dinner à la American.

Dinner Dress.

Ladies dress elegantly, and in any manner, or color, that fancy or becomingness may dictate. Corsages, however, while open at the neck in either square, or heart-shaped fashion, are not as low-cut as for a ball-dress, while the sleeves are usually of demi-length. Gloves are always worn, and not removed until seated at the table. They are not resumed afterward unless dancing follows.

Very young ladies wear less expensive toilets of white or delicately tinted wools, or light-weight silks.

Gentlemen are expected to wear the conventional evening dress. To be gloved or not to be gloved is a vexed question with them. It is well to be provided with a pair of light gloves, and let your own self-possession and the example of others decide for you at the moment. A gentleman faultlessly gloved cannot go far wrong.

Coming and Going.

Promptness in arriving is a virtue, but remember that you have no claim upon the time of your host or hostess, until ten or fifteen minutes before the hour appointed, and, if you inadvertently arrive too soon you should remain in the dressing-room until very near the hour.-209-

Departure is from half to three-quarters of an hour after the repast, and no matter what the entertainment, eleven o'clock should find every dinner guest departed.

Functions.

The practice of calling the ordinary reception, ball, party or dinner a "function" is simply a bad habit. It comes to us from England, where a confusion of ideas has made this word the popular synonym for any social happening. The error in England is perhaps pardonable, for the reason that very many of the society performances there are actually functions, and in course of time the unlearned and the careless have come to call every society performance a function. The royal "drawing-rooms" (so-called) are functions, and the Lord Mayor's dinner is a function—in fine, that is a function which is "a course of action peculiarly pertaining to any public office in church or state."

The receptions and dinners which, in his official capacity as President of the World's Fair, Mr. Higinbotham gave were functions. But the receptions, dinners, high teas, given by people holding no official position whatsoever, do not partake of the nature of "functions."

Dinner Favors.

Favors may be simple or elaborate, as the purse of the giver may dictate. Appropriateness and simplicity, however, show better taste than the extraordinary vagaries in which some indulge.

Among the really admirable selections which are offered by dealers of many sorts, nothing is better than the bonbonnières shown by confectioners of the higher grade. They are delightful in color, exquisite in design, and while they are made into receptacles for sweets for the time being, they can later be turned to a dozen more permanent uses. One design which is, perhaps, the most elegant of all, takes the form of an opera bag. It is made of the heaviest cream-white silk and has embroidered on it in dainty ribbon work forget-me-nots, tiny rosebuds, or jessamine. At the top it is finished with the popular extension clasp of fine burnished gilt, and when in use as a favor is lined with tinted paper and filled with the finest chocolates or with candied violets.-210-

Slippers, too, are seen, and, while not of glass, are suggestive of Cinderella's tiny foot. They are crocheted of fine colored cord, are stiffened and molded over a form, then fitted with a bag of silk and tied with ribbons of the same shade. Like the bags, they are made the excuse of sweets, and, like them, they add to the decorative effect, for they stand in coquettish fashion before each cover and challenge the admiration inspired in the prince of fairy legend.

Books and "booklets" are much in vogue and make as acceptable favors as any that can be desired if only selected with judgment and with care. Small volumes of verse bound in vellum are always good. Single poems from any one of the recognized poets put up in artistic booklet form are as nearly perfect as favors can be. Book covers, too, are good, and some bookmarks are shown that are excellent both in color and in their evident ability to withstand the usage they are sure to get if they are allowed to do any service at all.

One clever hostess who gave a dinner, and who handles her brush unusually well, devised a book cover and leaflet combined that proved a great success. She had the covers made in the regulation size of pale sage chamois skin and added the decoration herself. She painted each in the flower that the guest loved best, for her feminine friends, and each in some convenient design for the men, and across the corner was the name of each in quaint gold letters. She folded heavy parchment paper in booklet form, and with her brush wrote in silver bronze selections from the wit and wisdom of the ages. Then she slipped the miniature books within the covers and left the brilliant thoughts that they contained to start the conversational ball. Her dinner was pronounced a great success, and it was remarked by many that there was none of that awkward silence which so often precedes the soup.

THE minutiæ of table etiquette offers to onlookers the best evidence of good or ill-breeding, and in the graceful observance thereof is displayed all the "difference between dining elegantly and merely consuming food," for it is at the table that the ill-bred and the well-bred man are most strongly contrasted.

How to eat soup, or partake of grapes, and what to do with a cherry stone, though apparently trivial in themselves, are weighty matters when taken as an index of social standing. And it is safe to say that the young man who drank from his saucer, or the young woman who ate peas with her knife, would court the risk of banishment from good society.

In regard to the first essentials of table manners we are bound to consider the laying of the table, the manner of being seated thereat, the use of the napkin, the proper handling of those most invaluable implements, knife, fork and spoon, together with a short dissertation on those older implements, "Adam's knives and forks."

The Breakfast Table.

This first repast of the day should always be daintily and appetizingly spread, and the etiquette there observed, as at all other meals of the day, should be of a nature to render the observance on more stately occasions second nature to the members of the family. Children so trained will find little difficulty in after days as to their table etiquette.

The table itself should be spread with clean linen, first overlaying the surface with a sub-cloth of double canton flannel, felting, or a-212- white blanket that has seen its best days of usefulness. This is done for the better appearance of the table linen, for the deadening of sound, and the protection of the table from the heated dishes. The table linen for home use need not be of the finest; cleanliness being, after all, the chief requisite.

Before the mistress of the house stands the tray covered with a large napkin, or a prettily etched tray-cloth. This is filled with cups and saucers. The coffee-urn is at her right hand with cream, sugar, spoons, and waste-bowl convenient. In front of the master of the house is spread a large napkin with the corner to the center of the table. An ornamental carving cloth may be used in its place. On this is placed whatever dish of meat it is his province to serve. On the opposite side of the table dishes of bread and any hot breakfast rolls or gems balance one another. The dish of potatoes stands close to, and at the right of, the platter, ready to be served with the meat. Any other vegetable served at the same meal should be placed at the left of the platter.

Mats are wholly a style of the past. Where the dish is very hot,-213- or liable to soil the cloth, fringed squares of heavy linen, etched or embroidered, take their place.

The castor, too, is banished from tables polite, and its place may be taken by a few flowers, or bits of vine, in a simple vase. The butter dish and the individual butters should be placed by the side of the one who is to serve it. Fancy sauce and vinegar cruets, and salts and peppers are grouped at each end of the table, sometimes on small trays of hammered brass.

Knives, Forks and Napkins.

Heated plates are placed before the carver, and the carving knife (well sharpened) and fork are placed, with their rest at his right. On any occasion when plates are laid at each place, turn them face up. To the right of the plate is the knife with edge turned from the person to use it. As to the fork, authorities differ, some contending that it should be placed on the right hand, and the knife next, with sharp edge turned from the user. This latter fashion is best at simple meals where but one knife and fork are used. Others contend that the fork should be laid at the left. This latter fashion should be followed where several knives and forks are necessary for an elaborate dinner.

The simply-folded napkin is at the left hand. The glass and individual butter plate are placed near the point of the knife. To avoid waiting where there is any haste, the butters may be filled before the family are seated.

If oatmeal, or any porridge, is to be served, the dish should be placed upon the table before the house mistress, together with the requisite number of small bowls, or saucers, in which she serves it, adding sugar and cream, or passing these, as seems best to her. Afterwards these plates and the dish itself should be removed, when the hot plates and the remainder of the breakfast should be brought in.

Where there is fruit, as is the case in very nice homes, it is to form a third course; all other dishes are to be removed before the fruit is placed upon the table, and each person provided with a small plate with a doily, or fruit napkin, laid upon it, a silver fruit knife, and-214- possibly a finger-bowl set upon the doily; also a teaspoon or orange-spoon when oranges are on the table. If berries are served fruit saucers will be required. In busy homes the fruit is frequently placed upon the table at the beginning of the repast and served at its end without change of plates. Many persons prefer to begin their breakfast with fruit. The napery at breakfast may be colored if so desired.

The Dinner Table.

The dinner table for home meals is laid very much after the fashion of the breakfast table with the omission of the server. If there is to be more than one course, such as a salad, another fork must be added, in which case it will be best to place the forks at the left of the plate. If there is fish, another extra fork, or else the appropriate little fish knife and fork, is demanded. If a fork only is used, the flakes of fish may be pushed upon the fork by means of a bit of bread.

A half slice of bread should lie in, or beside, the folded napkin. The soup tureen is placed before the mistress of the house, together with the soup dishes. Into each of these she puts a ladle full of soup and passes it along. Where there is a servant to wait, he, or she, takes each dish from her hand and serves those at table, always passing to their left hand in so doing. When the soup is removed, the under plates should also be taken and hot plates brought in for the next course.

The meat is placed before the carver, dishes of vegetables flanking either side. The plates are filled and passed, or else handed around by a servant. Sometimes the meat only is put on the plates and the dishes of vegetables are passed from one to another at the table or handed around by a servant. Do not place a quantity of small vegetable dishes at each plate; it is too suggestive of hotel and restaurant life; peas and some other similarly cooked vegetables are an exception to this rule. Side dishes, such as pickles, etc., are placed on the table when it is first laid.

If a salad is to form the next course, all the dishes should be carried out, the meat being taken first, then the dishes of vegetables,-215- after that, plates and butter plates. A tray is much better to transfer all articles except large platters. Never permit a maid to scrape the contents of one plate into another, with a clatter of knives and forks, and then triumphantly bear off the entire pile at once. The salad is to be eaten with a silver fork, and is served with rolls or biscuit. Where the home dinner is simple the salad is frequently served in small dishes and passed during the progress of the repast.

Before dessert is brought on, all table furniture should be removed save glasses and water bottle, and the cloth brushed free from crumbs with crumb-tray and napkin, or scraper, in preference to a brush, which is apt to soil the cloth. The dessert is then to be placed on the table and the mistress serves the pastry or pudding on small plates or saucers which are placed before her. Tea, coffee, or chocolate, may now be handed around, but never sooner. At a very ceremonious dinner they appear last of all.

If fruit is to follow the pastry, fruit plates, arranged as for breakfast, must be substituted for the dessert plates, as soon as the guests are done with these.

It is to be expected that each family will adapt the above outline to suit their own needs, omitting such features as they have neither time to devote to nor servants to accomplish. The ideas here given, however, are suitable as the nucleus of the most elaborate dinner, or may be simplified to fit the plainest repast.

The Supper Table.

The table for supper is laid very much after the general plan given for breakfast, with the exception of the oatmeal. If the tea is made at the table, which is the daintiest way, the other adjuncts of the tray must be supplemented by a dainty brass or bronze hot-water kettle swung over an alcohol lamp, and a pretty tea caddy. Lovely silver caddies, with lock and key, are to be had and make an appropriate wedding gift. A "cosy" or thick wadded cap for setting over the teapot, to keep the heat in, is another pretty essential, which may be made as ornamental as is liked. At supper cold meats are usually-216- served, and cake is taken with the fruit, while vegetables, unless those served in salad form, are omitted.

The Lunch Table.

In cities, the lunch takes the place of the twelve o'clock dinner, just as the late city dinner replaces the supper, dear to country hearts.

The table for lunch is laid much like that for supper, the dishes being all placed at the table at one time, and the ladies of the family, for to them it is usually devoted, gathering around it without the formality of a servant.

Signs of Ill-Breeding.

The order of laying the table, and serving the dishes having been given, it now remains to give some information as to the conduct of those at the table. This is rendered more necessary from the fact that many well-dressed, and apparently well-bred people, sin so grievously against the simplest laws of table etiquette, as not only to display their own want of breeding, but to actually annoy those about them by their sins of omission and commission.

The most important table implements are knife, fork, and spoon, and with these we begin, in the order of their prominence.

The Fork.

The fork having, as one writer happily suggests, "subjugated the knife," demands our first attention. The subjugation of the knife is so complete in this country, England, France and Austria that any attempt to give the knife undue prominence at table is looked upon as a glaring offense against good taste. This aversion to the use of the knife probably arose first from the more agreeable sensation to the lips that is produced by the delicate tines of a fork in contrast to the broad blade of a knife. Also the fact that the steel of which knives were, and are still, to some extent, made, imparts, by contact, a disagreeable flavor to many articles of food.

In the use of the knife and fork daintiness should be cultivated.-217- They should be held with the handles resting in the palms of the hands when cutting, or separating food; but, in conveying food to the mouth, the handle of the fork should not be kept against the palm, as to do so would give it an awkward appearance in lifting to the lips. Fork and knife should be held firmly but without any apparent exertion of strength.

Never strive to load the fork with meat and vegetables at the same time. To do so is to commit an offence against manners and digestion, and never push the food from the fork with the knife. Take upon the fork what it will easily carry and no more.

Oyster forks are usually provided when oysters on the shell are served. Either the right or the left hand may be employed in lifting them to the lips. The shell should be steadied with the other hand. The fork may be handled with either hand, the right being more generally used. It is well, however, to be trained in the use of both hands, thus avoiding the slight awkwardness attending the constant changing of the fork from one hand to the other.

In using the fork in the left hand it should be lifted to the lips, tines pointing downward. The fork, which should convey but a very moderate amount of food, should always be carried to the mouth in a position as nearly parallel to it as possible. This does away with the thrusting motion and the awkward sweep of the elbow that is so annoying to the onlooker.

The fork is also used to convey back to the plate bits of bone or other substances unfit to swallow. Eject them quietly upon the fork and quickly deposit them upon the edge of the plate.

The softer cheeses are eaten with a fork. As to the harder varieties, some use the fork and others break with the fork and convey to the mouth with the fingers.

Use the fork to break up a potato on your plate; do not touch it-218- with the knife. Ices, stiffly preserved fruits, etc., are all eaten with a fork. In fact, the fork is to convey all food to the mouth that is not so liquid in its nature as to require the use of a spoon.

The Spoon.

The spoon comes next as an article of importance at the table. Soups, all thinly cooked vegetables, canned and stewed fruits, peaches and cream, melons, oranges by some, very thick chocolate, Roman punch, and other dishes that common sense will dictate at the moment, are to be partaken of by its aid. One should drink tea and coffee, however, and not spoonful it. Use the teaspoon to gently stir up and dissolve the sugar in the cup, then lay it in the saucer and lift the cup to the lips by the handle. Never be guilty of leaving the spoon in the cup and compassing it with one or more fingers in carrying it to the lips.

In partaking of soup the spoon should be swept through the liquid away from the person, lifted to the mouth, and the soup taken noiselessly from the side of the spoon. In thus lifting any liquids from the further side of the dish, or cup, there is time for any drop adhering to the outside to fall in the dish before carrying to the lips.

Only to gentlemen possessed of a luxuriant mustache is it permitted to take soup from the point of the spoon, always providing they can do so skilfully and without an awkward use of the arm. The gold or silver spoons for after-dinner coffee are very small, as befits the dainty cups of egg-shell china.

The Knife.

Properly, the knife may be said to have no use at the table save to assist the fork in separating food into morsels fit for mastication. Never, no, never, permit it to be introduced into the mouth upon any occasion whatever. To do so is the height of ill-breeding.

Adam’s Knives and Forks.

There are a number of things that the most fashionable and well-bred people now eat at the dinner table with their fingers. They are:-219- Olives, to which a fork should never be applied; asparagus, whether hot or cold, when served whole, as it should be; lettuce, which, when served in whole leaves, should be dipped in the dressing or in a little salt; celery, which may be properly placed upon the tablecloth beside the plate.

To these may be added strawberries, when served with the stems on, as they are in most elegant houses. Dip them in cream and then in sugar (sometimes sugar only is served), holding by the stem end and eating in one or more bites, according to size.

Bread, toast, and all tarts and small cakes; fruit of all kinds, except melons and preserves, which are eaten with a spoon; cheese, except the softer varieties; all these are eaten with the fingers, even by the most fastidious people. Even the leg, or other small piece of a bird is taken up daintily in the fingers of one hand at fashionable dinners.

Water cress is taken in the fingers. It is usually served upon a shallow dish or a basket, a fringed napkin covering bottom and sides. Artichokes, also, are eaten with the fingers. Lump sugar may be taken with the fingers, if no tongs are provided. If a plate of hot, unbroken biscuit is passed, one may be broken off with the fingers.

Napkin and Finger-Bowl.

Napkins vary in size, from the diminutive, fancy doily, for ornament rather than use, through all gradations, up to the largest sized dinner napkin. In using these do not spread over the entire lap, nor fasten under the chin bib-fashion, nor in the buttonhole, and, if a man, do not tuck in the vest pockets. All these are fashions which should have been outgrown in the nursery. Simply unfold and lay carelessly in the lap on one knee, use to wipe the lips lightly, or the finger tips when necessary.

Some very exquisite people manage to eject fruit seeds, or skins, or anything unfit to swallow, from the lips into the napkin, by pressing it against the mouth, then dropping them skilfully from its folds upon the plate. All such careful observances tend to remove, as much as-220- possible, from the modern repast, the prosaic, and unromantic ideas suggested by the idea of eating.

Finger-bowls are brought on the table after the dessert is removed and before the fruit is served. They are usually placed before each individual on the fancy glass or china plate that is to be used for the fruit, a fancy doily being laid between the bowl and plate. Remove bowl and doily at once to the right hand side, leaving plate free for the fruit. This doily is frequently an elaborate article of fancy work, not for use but ornament. Hence, unless its place is taken by a fruit napkin or smaller napkin, as is sometimes done, passed around before dessert, the dinner napkin is used.

Avoiding Fruit Stains.

Some hostesses dislike to have fruit stains upon their elegant dinner napkins; hence, the custom of supplying smaller napkins at the beginning of dessert. This, however, cumbers the dinner with much serving and is not to be recommended. If done, the smaller napkins are to be passed around, and the large ones permitted to remain.

At the close of the dinner the napkin is not to be folded, but left lying loosely at the side of the plate. If a guest in the house, however, unless fresh napkins are supplied at every meal, they should be folded and placed in the napkin ring.

The rule for using napkins is that they be touched gently to the lips, and the finger-tips wiped daintily upon them, but as "nice customs courtesy to great kings," so, to those gentlemen possessing luxuriant mustaches, a greater freedom is permitted in its use.

The finger-bowls are to be two-thirds full of slightly warmed water, and a rose geranium leaf or a slice of lemon should float upon the surface of each. The fingers of one hand at a time are to be dipped in the water, rubbing the leaf or lemon between them to remove any odor of food, and then dried upon the napkin.

Sometimes, after partaking of meats, one may dip a corner of the napkin in the finger-bowl, and, allowing it to drop back of the dry portion of the napkin, wipe the lips with it. A gentleman is permitted-221- to moisten and wipe his mustache in the same manner. Remember, always to exercise the greatest care not to have the operation a very visible one, as it is not particularly attractive to the onlooker.

A small glass of perfumed water is sometimes placed in the center of the finger-bowl for this purpose. Lift it to the lips and sip slightly, being careful not to have the appearance of taking it for a beverage, and immediately dry the lips upon the napkin.

While eating meats, etc., use the napkin before touching the lips to a glass, else the crystal edge may present a very disagreeable spectacle to one's neighbors.

General Table Etiquette.

In seating one's self at table, assume a comfortable position, neither so close as to be awkward, nor so far away as to endanger the clothing by dropping food in its passage from table to lips. Sit upright, and do not bend over to take each mouthful of food.

If a gentleman is accompanied by a lady, he should draw her chair out from the table, and, when she is seated, assist her in putting it back in position, unless in some public dining place, where this office will be assumed by a waiter.

On being seated, remove the roll, or piece of bread, from the napkin (the best form for this bread is in blocks four inches thick and about three inches long), unfold the napkin, lay it upon the knee, and quietly wait your turn to be served. Never handle, or play with, any articles on the table; it bespeaks ill-breeding. Never drum on the table with the fingers.

As soon as a bowl of soup, or a plate of oysters is offered you, begin, without any appearance of haste, to eat. This facilitates serving, as, by the time the last are served, the first will have finished their half-ladleful of soup (which is all that society allows) and the waiter may begin to remove the first course. The old custom of waiting until everyone was served before beginning is no long countenanced, since "soup is nothing, if not hot," and by waiting it is decidedly cooled.

Never, unless requested so to do, pass a plate on to a neighbor-222- that has been handed to you. It is supposed that the carver knows what he intends for each guest. When dishes are passed, help yourself as quickly as possible, and never insist upon some one having it first. If a gentleman, you may help the lady next you from its contents, if she so desire.

Always take the food offered in a course. Quietly wait and talk while others eat, rather than call the attention of the table to your likes and dislikes, and disarrange the whole order of serving. If a gentleman, see that the lady you have brought down wants for nothing, and let the lady, on her side, take care not to entirely monopolize the attention of her escort.

How to Treat Waiters.

If, for any cause, the services of a waiter are desired, catch his eye quietly, and on his approach, state your own or the lady's wishes, in a low tone of voice. This same rule of conduct will apply to public places, where the knocking of spoons against cups, and other noisy attempts to gain the attention of a waiter cannot be too greatly discouraged.

Never thank a servant for passing any of the dishes or wines; that is his business; but for any personal service, such as picking up a fallen napkin, or replacing a dropped knife by another, it is proper to return a murmured "Thank you," not "Thanks."

A lady should never look up in a waiter's face while giving an order, refusing wine, or thanking him for any special service. This savors of familiarity, and should be avoided. A man, however, that is attentive will see that a lady has none of these things to do.

At table one may talk to one's neighbor on either side, or to those directly opposite, if the center decorations are not too high; but it is absolutely ill-bred to lean across an individual to converse with some one on the other side. Of course, at a small dinner, or at the family table, conversation is expected to be general. Never attempt to converse while the mouth is filled with food, and never have the mouth filled with food; it is bad both for manners and digestion.-223-

Decline any dish passed that you do not wish with "Thank you, not any;" if by a waiter, "Not any," is sufficient. Do not enter into any explanations as to your tastes, nor the whys and wherefores of your refusal. That interests no one but yourself.

If wine is served, do not call the attention of everyone to the fact that you do not drink it. The table of a friend, to which you have had the honor of an invitation, is no place for a temperance lecture. Do not reverse the glass; it is a needlessly conspicuous act; simply motion the waiter away with your finger on the edge of the glass, or shake your head. Some, still more careful, allow a glass to be filled for them at first, and, by letting it stand untasted, show to the waiter that further offers are useless. If a lady does not wish more wine than remains in her glass, let her make a little motion of dissent when the waiter is about to replenish it, otherwise a good glass of wine is wasted. In drinking wine, lift the glass by the stem, instead of by the bowl. Young ladies, if they drink wine, had best content themselves with one glassful. "Rosebuds" should not indulge. The latest dictum declares that sparkling wines should be drunk at once and not sipped.

Sundry Rules and Hints.

Never display any hesitation in selecting food. If your host asks what part of a fowl you prefer, at once give your choice. To say you have none is an annoyance. Never tip the plate in order to dip up the last spoonful of soup. In partaking of soup, or imbibing any liquid, do so noiselessly. Be sure not to spread the elbows while using knife and fork. Keep them close to your side while cutting meats.

Never try to dispose of the last mouthful of soup, the last morsel of food. "It is not expected," says one writer, "that your plate should be sent away cleansed by your gastronomic exertions." On no account cool any drink or soup with the breath. Never pour tea or coffee into the saucer to cool it. Never drink from the saucer; it is an unpardonable sin.

With salads small knifes and forks are often furnished, where the-224- salad is served uncut with dressing. Again, the uncut leaves are taken in the fingers and dipped in the salt or dressing. The roll is to be eaten with the salad.

Individual salts are an American fashion. If used, it is proper to take salt from them with the knife, if they are the open salts. In the most stylish circles great favor is shown to ample silver salières with their accompanying salt spoons or shovels. Salt, thus taken, should be deposited upon the left hand rim of the plate. The custom followed by so many of depositing little piles of salt on the tablecloth is very annoying to the hostess, as giving her table a shabby look during the removal of courses. Salt is the only condiment placed upon the table at a dinner; the others are passed with the course demanding their use. Neither is butter put upon the table at an elaborate dinner: the small square of bread or the roll furnished, are to be eaten without.

Use of Knife and Fork.

Peppers and salts are to be shaken with one hand. Never use the other to in any wise expedite the distribution of their contents.

Never cut up all the meat on your plate at once, in morsels fit for eating; to do so savors of the nursery. But, on the other hand, do not seem to be perpetually using your knife and fork at table. Be sure not to insert fork or spoon too far into the mouth. Never turn the spoon over in the mouth in the effort to free it entirely from its contents. Do not let the most adhesive of food betray you into this most disagreeable of habits. Take small mouthfuls and there will be less danger of this occurring. Handle knife and fork carefully, so as not to cause any unnecessary clatter at table.

Waiters pass all food to the left, and all dishes are removed at the left. Wine is passed at the right. All dishes that are being passed must be held low enough so that the guests can help themselves without difficulty.

When there is a waiter to remove the dishes from the table, the guests should never assist in the work by piling small dishes, etc., upon their plate. Simply place knife and fork upon the plate.-225-

In passing the plate for a second helping, remove knife and fork and hold easily by the handles. Never ask for a second helping of soup, or of anything at a course dinner. At an informal repast, where there is but one principal dish, it is proper to pass the plate for more. A second helping of fish chowder is allowable, but not of soup.

Food should be masticated quietly, and with the lips closed. Drink all liquids without the slightest sound.

Never butter bread that is to be eaten with soup. To do this is only less vulgar than to thicken the soup with the crumbs of bread. Simply eat the bit of bread with the soup. Take the soup that is brought you, even if you do not care for it, so as not to interrupt the order of the dinner by a refusal.

Disgusting Habits.

Lift cups by the handles, and wineglasses by the stem, and do not tip them up, until almost reversed upon the face, in order to drain the last drop. It is not necessary, and really bad form to completely empty a wineglass.

Never pick the teeth at the table. Such habits are well calculated to disgust sensitive people, and should be performed in private as much as any other portion of our daily toilet.

Never rinse the mouth with the last mouthful of coffee, tea or water; nothing can be more disagreeable.

Bread should be broken by the fingers in pieces sufficient for mouthfuls, as it is needed. Never butter a slice and cut with a knife; butter each piece as needed. Butter should never be eaten in large quantities.

Cake is broken in bits and eaten from the fingers. Very rich, crumbly, or filled cake may be eaten with a fork; tarts also, unless they are of a nature to permit the use of the fingers, and pastry of all kinds, as well as puddings not too liquid in form.

Muffins can be eaten from the plate with a fork, or they can be torn apart, buttered, and eaten while held in the fingers, like toasted bread.-226- Hot gems can be torn apart and partaken of in the same way. Never take one piece of bread or cake and then reject it for another.

If any little accident should occur at table, do not apologize for it; let it pass without note, and it will be apt to escape observation. If there should be anything accidentally spilled upon the cloth, the waiter should quickly remove the traces, and spread a fresh napkin over the soiled spot.

Fruits.

Apples are pared with a silver knife at table, and eaten in small sections from the fingers. There is often much time devoted to paring fruit by holding it on a fork, not touching it with the fingers. This is unnecessary, unless when a gentleman is preparing the fruit for a lady, or where the peach or pear is too juicy to do otherwise.

Grapes are plucked from their stems and the pulp squeezed into the mouth, while the fingers hold the skin which is then laid on one side the plate. This is far daintier than to put the fruit in the mouth and then eject the skin into the hand or upon the plate. Bananas are peeled and eaten from the plate with a fork. Oranges are skinned, divided into sections, and eaten from the fingers, rejecting the seeds into the hand. Some prefer, however, to cut the end of the orange and eat the pulp with a spoon. Pineapple is the only fruit that must be eaten with a knife and fork.

Silver knives and forks must always be used with fruits, as steel becomes colored by contact with the fruit juices and imparts a disagreeable flavor.

Green corn, in ear, is a stumbling-block, and perhaps one's best plan would be to conform to the custom of the table where you may be. In eating it directly from the ear hold it in one hand only. Some hostesses provide small doilies with which to hold the ear.

If a guest is pleased with any particular dish on the table, a delicate compliment upon its unusual excellence is always pleasing to the hostess.

THE evening party may be as elaborate or as simple an affair as the hostess may desire. In its elaborate form it only differs from the ball in the one respect that dancing may, or may not, be introduced as a feature of the entertainment, while a ball is given for the express purpose of dancing, and is always so understood.

Invitations.

Invitations for an elaborate evening party are sent out ten days or two weeks in advance and are issued in the name of the hostess alone. Husband and wife may be invited together, addressing the envelope to "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe;" and daughters, if there are several, may be included in one invitation as "The Misses Doe." Sons, if there be more than one, receive separate invitations, though they can be included in one as "Messrs. Doe." But friends, even though sheltered by the same roof-tree, must receive separate invitations. To invite "The Misses Doe and Roe," or "Messrs. Brown and Green," or even "Mrs. Doe and Family," would be in bad form. To invite the husband to any entertainment where there are ladies without including the wife would be a direct insult. Invitations may be sent by post or carried by messengers. (For forms see Department of "Invitations, Formal and Informal.")

Society is so complex, and there is so much ground to cover in picking up its relations that many ladies are tempted to pay off all social debts at once by giving one great crush of an entertainment and inviting all those to whom they are socially indebted. To all these one is tempted to say, "Don't." The labor is less and the pleasure-228- greater where two or more smaller entertainments are given at different times.

A hostess is at liberty to invite only those to whom she is socially indebted, and members of a large social circle from whom she has not received recent hospitalities must not feel hurt at being left out. Where the family is large she may invite some members and not others, but should she courteously invite the entire group, it is a rule of society that never more than three members of the same family should accept an invitation to the same entertainment. Either accept or decline such invitations at once. (For proper forms see department of "Acceptances and Regrets.")

Receiving.

At a large evening party the arrangements for receiving guests, the dressing rooms, etc., and duties of the hostess in receiving, are the same as at a ball, and the supper served in the same fashion.

Ladies invited to help receive are not simply asked as a compliment to their friendship. It is not their sole duty to stand beside the hostess for the hour of coming and smile and shake hands with each guest and then see no more of them that evening. When a lady issues invitations for a large evening gathering she usually decides to ask some intimate friends "to receive with her."

If she expressed what she really meant, and what she supposes her friends understand, she will say: "Will you come and help me in the actual entertaining of the guests, for I shall have only time to stand at the door and say, 'How do you do;' 'Good-by.'" But no, she phrases it conventionally: "Will you come and receive with me?" And so they come in a flock and do nothing but "receive."

Should Make Every One Happy.

A woman who is invited "to receive" should arrive at the hour of the invitation, not one minute before, unless for some especial reason she is requested to do so by her hostess. She should remove her wraps and quietly join her hostess in the rooms below, where, proba-229-bly, she will have a cup of hot bouillon brought to her at once and maybe a glass of wine. For a half hour or so she should stand with the hostess and only take upon herself the task of greeting, but, as the rooms begin to fill, she should leave her place and go slowly about the rooms, not talking and visiting with friends, and having a good time herself, but passing by the groups of gay and lively ones, who know every one and seek out the solitary and alone. To these is her especial mission, to make them known to some of her own intimates, whose friendship is so certain and so warm that it will stand this demand of introducing a stranger.

An acquaintance is not necessary for this giving of attention. A member of the receiving party may speak to any one in the room without even the form of introducing herself, although, if she sees after a few words that she is unknown she will bring her own name casually into the conversation, making no effort to do so. Any guest will feel flattered on being addressed by the ladies receiving.

Making Things Easy for the Hostess.

Another duty she owes is keeping her eyes on the hostess and seeing that she is never left alone for one single moment in her position by the door. One of the receiving party ought to be beside her constantly ready to execute any wish she may express, as, for instance, if she say: "I see Mrs. K. coming down the stairs; she is a perfect stranger; see that she meets a few—Mrs. Blank, especially." She will greet Mrs. K., chat a second, and quietly draw her to one side continuing the conversation all the time. Then seeing somebody near she will say: "I want you to know Mrs. So-and-So; come over here and let me introduce you." Then she may leave Mrs. K. and look after some other awkward one near, and, after a few minutes, taking some one else up to where Mrs. K. and Mrs. So-and-So still stand, make them known. If Mrs. So-and-So has a kind heart, by this time she will have made Mrs. K. acquainted with some one else. The lady receiving should keep an eye on Mrs. K., particularly if she seems to be afraid to move from one spot, as strangers sometimes are.-230-

Meantime, another member of the receiving party notices that the hostess is alone, and she leaves her acts of mercy and returns to her post, ready to assist in any way. To have such a little group of friends transform themselves into willing slaves for the moment makes the art of entertaining no trouble or fatigue at all.

Think of the utter loneliness to the stranger of entering the drawing-room to be greeted by the hostess and handed down a long line of the receiving party and then left to "that bath of loneliness amidst the multitude," which has its terrors for us all. It is over such strays as this that the receiving party is supposed to have most careful oversight, since to the hostess comes small leisure for this duty.

Entertainment.

Before supper, cards, conversation, music are made use of to entertain the guests. When dancing is a feature, it does not begin until after supper, and while this amusement is in progress opportunity for conversation, games, etc., should be provided in other rooms for those who do not dance. Rules for going out to supper at a large party are the same as those at a ball.

Duties of the Guests.

If music is one of the features, try and suit its character to the company. Do not play classical music where it cannot possibly be appreciated, and, above all, attempt nothing that cannot be executed perfectly. In singing, let gentlemen remember that if it is an amusing song they are to render, it must be perfectly unexceptional in character. Ladies should bear in mind in singing that it is much better taste in large assemblies to avoid the purely sentimental order of songs, which, with the large number of beautiful compositions at our disposal, is easily done.

Observe scrupulous silence while others are playing and singing. If you possess any musical accomplishments, and are asked to contribute your share toward the entertainment of others, do so without waiting to be urged; or, if you decline, decline absolutely. Urging-231- should not be resorted to by the hostess, which custom would soon cure a certain class of performers from the disagreeable habit of holding back for repeated solicitations. If you consent to play or sing, do not weary your audience. Two or three stanzas of a song, or four-232- or five pages from a long instrumental piece are sufficient. If more is greatly desired it will always be called for.

Remember, it is only the lady of the house who has the right to ask you to play or sing, and to all other requests give a smiling refusal.

Beware of too Much Reserve.

Remember also, that, for the time being, owing to your mutual acquaintance with the host and hostess, you stand on a perfect equality with all the guests present and should, therefore, without further preliminaries, converse freely with any.

Never commit the blunder of stealing away to a side table, and there affecting to be absorbed in some volume of engravings, or finding some unlucky acquaintance in the room, fasten upon him or her for the entire evening. These are social crimes that no shyness can or should excuse.

Where the party is a small social gathering and various parlor games are resorted to for amusement, one should always join in when asked, even while not caring so to do. Exercise skill, appear pleased, and while, perhaps, not enjoying the evening greatly one's self, there will be at least the consciousness of having contributed to the happiness of others. In reality, there is no better field for employing the Golden Rule than in the whirl of social life—no wider field for unselfishness.

A superficial knowledge of the etiquette and rules that govern the various social games of cards will be found a great advantage in society, since, if one does not dance or play cards, he will be forced to content himself with other wall-flowers like himself. A gentleman should never let even urgent solicitation induce him to play for stakes at a party. There is a code of right and wrong beside which the code of society has no weight.

Hours of Arrival and Departure.

An evening party usually begins about nine p.m. It is supposed to end about midnight unless the devotees prefer to remain later. Some, who do not care for this amusement retire immediately after supper.-233-

When to leave at a ball is a very elastic rule which varies to suit the circumstances of the case. To leave as soon after supper as may be or to stay until the ball is actually over, are equally correct courses to follow. Half past one is a very good time to depart. Here in this busy country where the gallants of the evening will be the business men of the morrow, earlier hours are usual than among the leisure classes of the Old World.

In retiring from a large party it is sufficient to bow politely when expressing the pleasure you have received. And if the hostess or host offer the hand, shake it cordially, but not too roughly.

RECEPTIONS.

For informal receptions, invitations are most frequently written on the left hand corner of the hostess's visiting card: Mrs. Charles Grey, Thursday, from five to eight o'clock.

At an evening reception, the lady should be dressed in handsome home toilet, and receive standing. If several ladies receive together, their cards should be enclosed with the invitation. The simplicity of the occasion leaves the hostess the more time to devote to the enjoyment of her guests. Music, both vocal and instrumental, is a great addition to an evening reception.

Refreshments are generally served informally. The table should be set tastily in the dining-room, and supplied with coffee or chocolate at one end and a tea service at the other. Besides these, daintily prepared sandwiches, buns, cakes, ices and fruits are served. If the reception is very select, and the number of guests small, a servant presents a tray with tea, sugar and cream, while another follows with the simple refreshments that should accompany it.

A wedding reception, or a very elaborate evening reception, of course admits of much more ceremony, as well as more substantial refreshments, than small entertainments.

Ladies attend evening receptions in demi-toilette, with or without bonnets, and gentlemen in full morning dress.-234-

Invitations to evening receptions, lawn or musical parties are informal, but require an answer, as it is agreeable to every hostess to know the number of her expected guests.

To meet their Royal Highnesses,
The Infantes Eulalia
And
Antoine of Spain.
The Spanish Consul
And
Mrs. Chatfield-Taylor.
At Home,
Monday, June twelfth, at nine o'clock.
21 Pearson Street.

If the reception is given in honor of some individual or celebrity the name of the honored guest should appear at the top of the invitation, as above fac-simile of cards issued by the Spanish Consul in honor of the Infanta of Spain during the Columbian Exposition.

Evening Receptions.

Evening receptions being simpler in detail and less expensive than parties, are becoming more fashionable every year, especially among people of literary and artistic tastes.-236-

Guests calling, meet a select circle, among whom are usually poets, artists, and persons of elegant leisure, formality is readily broken, and the occasion is always one of pleasure.

The hour for leaving a reception is varied (anywhere from eleven p.m. to one a.m. being usual). Early hours are usual among those who have other engagements and who go on to other parties, remaining about half an hour at each one: thus, at crowded receptions the departures commence before the arrivals have ceased to be announced.

Morning Receptions or Matinées.

Of all the entertainments given during the daytime, luncheons, breakfasts, afternoon teas, kettledrums, etc., the morning reception, so-called, although it is given in the afternoon, is perhaps the most formal. Some hostesses adopt the French fashion of calling it a matinée, meaning any social gathering that is held before dinner, as any party is called in France a soirée.

There are many advantages in a morning party. It affords ladies who do not attend evening receptions the pleasure of meeting on a semi-formal occasion, and is also a well chosen occasion for introducing a new pianist or singer. For a busy woman of fashion a matinée, beginning at two and ending at four or half-past, which are the usual hours for these entertainments, is a most convenient time. It does not interfere with a five o'clock tea, or a drive, nor unfit her for a dinner party or evening entertainment. Convenient, however, as this hour is for ladies, it is quite the reverse for gentlemen, since the majority of them in America do not belong to the leisure class. Hence to avoid this inequality of the sexes, ladies often give these matinées on some of our national holidays.

When, as often happens, some great celebrity is to be presented to a large circle of friends, there is no more satisfactory form of entertainment to be afforded him than a morning reception. To this we may draw to meet him many men who could not be brought together at a late-hour, full-dress, evening entertainment. Authors, artists, clergymen, lawyers, statesmen, editors, doctors and capitalists, as well-237- as cultivated society women, financiers and philosophers, can all be brought together in easy and friendly social intercourse.

But, if we hope to gather about us men of mind and distinction, we must not expect to be amused only, we must be amusing, we must offer some tempting equivalent; something that has the ring of pure gold, rather than the glamour of fashionable dress, dancing or music. So, with an Archbishop to entertain, we may hope to attract the distinguished clergy of the city; with a great author, other celebrities of the pen and pencil who will gladly come to greet him; and once drawn to a successful and brilliant assembly, they will be easily induced to return. Therefore, any lady who would make her home attractive to the best society must offer some higher stimulant than the glitter of fashion. For good society we need men and women who can talk. We need relaxation, and it is best sought in intercourse of abiding value with those whose lives differ from those of our own.

Correct Dress.

The invitations are written in the same form as those given for an evening entertainment, and although given by daylight, the rooms are frequently darkened and artificial illumination gives to the whole a festive air. The hostess may be dressed in demi-toilet, somewhat low at the throat if wished, and of the richest materials, but not in full evening dress, laces or conspicuous jewels. She may have friends to receive with her who will dress in the same demi-toilets. The guests wear reception dresses or handsome street dresses. Wraps are laid aside, but hats and gloves are kept on. Gentlemen wear full morning dress on all these occasions. Overcoats and umbrellas are left in the hall or dressing-room, but hats, if the stay is to be short, may be carried into the drawing-room.

Visitors do not usually remain more than half an hour, though, if the occasion is especially interesting, an hour or more is often spent. Conversation is indulged in, and guests listen to music, or whatever is provided for their entertainment. At an ordinary morning reception the refreshments are light, and served the same as at an evening-238- reception. If, however, the occasion is unusually important, the collation is more abundant, and the service more formal.

Visitors leave cards to serve instead of the after call. Those who were invited but unable to attend, call within a few days. (For general forms of invitations see Department of "Invitations.")

Introductions are not expected to be general, except where the reception is given in honor of some one person, when, of course, all comers are presented to this guest. Morning parties given in small country towns are attended with less formality than in large cities, and introductions are general.

SUPPER PARTIES.

Some lover of this social repast says, "Suppers have always been invested with a peculiar charm. They are the most conversational, the most intimate and the most poetical of all entertainments. They are the favorite repast of men of letters, the inspiration of poets, and a form of hospitability eminent in history. Who has not heard of the petite soupers of the Regency and the brilliant minds there assembled?"

Suppers are the popular entertainment of gentlemen, and usually take some distinctive name, such as fish suppers, game suppers, wine suppers, and each has suitable supplies for the table.

Invitations to suppers may be given in person, by a friendly note, or writing on the card of the host or hostess: "Supper at 10 o'clock, Thursday, December 18th."

The very late city dinners have prevented supper parties from keeping their popularity, but there is no reason why in towns these should not be favorite entertainments.

The same service is proper at a supper as at a dinner, with the exception of soup plates. Oysters on the half-shell and bouillon served in cups are the first two courses. Then follows the usual order of dishes, such as sweetbreads and green peas, whatever game may be in season, salads of all kinds, then ices, fruits and coffee. It is not quite so heavy a repast as the elaborate dinner party. Games and salads are served together. If wine is used it is found on the table in-239- handsome decanters. Three sorts may be served, such as Sherry or Madeira and Burgundy. Bread and napkin are beside each plate, or else the bread is passed after the guests are seated. Next, plain plates and cups of bouillon are served, with gold teaspoons. Then follow the other courses. The dishes are removed after each course as at a formal dinner. At the close of the supper a tiny glass of cordial is served to the gentlemen. Wines may be entirely omitted if against the principles, and mineral waters may be substituted. The table may be decorated as for a dinner party.

There is perhaps no entertainment where so much brilliant conversation and repartee is indulged in as at the "sit-down" supper.

Residents of large cities, possessing abundant means, can avoid trouble by ordering supplies from the professional caterer, but in the country home, where economy is an object, it devolves on the housekeeper to prepare the appetizing dainties for her entertainments. For the benefit of such, we give a few items that may be useful in arranging the menu. Any reliable work on cookery will give the directions for their preparation: Boned turkey, boned ham, deviled ham sandwiches, salmon salad, chicken salad, potted fish, fish salad, etc., etc.

A Simple Supper.

There is a much simpler supper possible to be offered by a hostess after the opera or theatre which may be made very charming and inexpensive. This is a desirable little "spread," since there are few people who can undergo the excitement of an evening at the opera, play, concert, or card party, without a feeling of hunger; and with many, unless this hunger is appeased a sleepless night will be the result; and as the excitement is usually so good an aid to digestion, no evil consequences may be feared.

This little supper is well set out with a few oysters, a pair of cold roast chickens, a boned turkey, or boned ham, and a dish of some kind of salad, and perhaps one sort of ice cream or ice and coffee. Oysters are invaluable for a supper. Scalloped or broiled, they can be used in place of chicken or turkey.-240-

A Game Supper.

A game supper consists of wild fowls and fish, with jellies, ices and bon-bons, while a wine supper admits of almost every variety of luscious dishes, differing very little from dinner, except that the delicacies are all cold, and of course no vegetables are served. Fillets of game, boned turkey, cold ham, fish, salads, ices, jellies and creams, are suitable to this style of entertainment.

A Fish Supper.

When a fish supper is given, dishes are generally composed of the products of the sea or river. This is a fashionable mode of entertainment for the season of Lent. Salads, olives, pickles and sauces are served as relishes. Sweet desserts never accompany a fish supper, but fruits are an appropriate addition. Coffee must be given with all suppers.

BALLS, to distinguish them from other evening gatherings where dancing is one of the features of the evening, may be designated as parties given for the express purpose of dancing.

Balls should begin at about nine o'clock in the evening, and terminate at two or three in the morning. A private ball may be a very elaborate affair, from fifty to seventy-five guests being necessary to make the occasion enjoyable. Where the size of the ball-room will permit, many more are frequently bidden. Over-crowding should be guarded against, as ruinous to the toilets of the ladies, and the pleasure of all concerned. The invitations to very elaborate affairs are sometimes sent out from three weeks to one month in advance.

It is always proper for an invited guest to solicit an invitation for a young lady visitor, or some stranger of distinction, or for a young gentleman known to be a dancing man, and it is always permissible for the hostess, if she wish, to refuse such solicitations on the ground that her list is full, and no one should feel offended at such refusal. Should the request, however, be for the admission of an eligible, dancing man, it is rarely refused.

Never more than three from one family (the mother or chaperon excepted) should accept an invitation to a ball, or party, unless in the case of a ball, where two brothers, if they dance, may be accompanied by two sisters from the same family. Those who do not dance should refuse invitations to balls (chaperons excepted). The most brilliant man who does not dance is usually out of place in an entertainment given for that sole purpose.

The ball-room should be large; the floor well waxed, or covered-242- with drugget, and an abundance of palms and potted plants set about to make cosy nooks just lighted by a shaded lamp. Cut flowers may be massed upon the mantels with gorgeous effect. If the stairway be of sufficient breadth, it should be bravely furnished forth with plants in bloom. If it should be a first-floor room and open into the cool dusk of a faintly lighted conservatory, then it is everything to be desired for the occasion. Good ventilation is an absolute necessity.

Invite at least one quarter more guests than can be comfortably accommodated, since about that number will fail, from different causes, to accept. If it is impossible to entertain with comfort all those to whom one is socially indebted, then it is better to divide the entertainment into two or three smaller gatherings, always leaving space for as many mothers of daughters, or other appointed chaperons, as may choose to attend and who should always be included in the invitations.

Sitting accommodations should be furnished for them, as well as for those who may not be dancing. All other furniture should be removed from the rooms.

The ball-room should be brilliantly, and at the same time, softly illuminated, the lights coming chiefly from the sides.

General Arrangements.

In a large city it is necessary to provide an awning to extend from the carriage to the front entrance, thus screening guests from the crowd that usually gathers on such an occasion. A carpet should also cover the steps and walk to protect the ladies' gowns. A manservant in evening dress and white lisle gloves should be at the curbstone to assist ladies, who may have come unattended, in alighting, (providing they have no footman). He also provides each party with the number of their carriage, giving the same to the driver, in order that he may be ready when called. This same attendant also calls for the carriages upon the departure of the guests.-243-

Another manservant, or a white-capped maid, waits at the door, which is opened without the bell being touched. This functionary receives the cards of the guests, and directs them to their respective dressing-rooms. These should be large and convenient as possible. Assistants should be provided with thread, needles and pins to rectify any accidents that may occur to the ladies' toilets, and to render every possible aid to them in making ready for the drawing-rooms. Duplicate tickets should also be in readiness; one to attach to each wrap and one to hand its owner. These precautions lessen the confusion and add to the comfort of all concerned.

Combs, brushes, and hairpins should be in abundance, while a powder-box and puff is not amiss. Cologne, camphor and ammonia should also be in the rooms for use in cases of sudden faintness. A couch in the room is also useful, and low chairs or ottomans, in case any of the ladies should wish to change their shoes.

The gentlemens' dressing-room should also be presided over by an attendant supplied with the same duplicate system of tickets and ready to render any called-for assistance.

Programs with the order of the dances and blanks for recording engagements for each, should be distributed to the guests as they enter the ball-room. To each card should be attached a small pencil.

Concerning the Music.

Good music is a prime necessity. An orchestra, even if it must be a small one, is needful for a ball. Four pieces are enough: violin, piano, violincello, or harp, and cornet. If more are desired, leave the choice to the leader, with whom the selections will have been carefully talked over beforehand, and who must be furnished with a copy of the dancing program.

The musicians should be concealed back of a group of flowering shrubs at the end of the hallway, or some other convenient nook or corner. If there should be a balcony, a shady bower can be constructed for them there, and by taking out the window frame they will be heard to perfection.-244-

Never, even at a "small and early," depend, for the pianist, upon volunteer service from among the guests. In the first place, it is a tiresome and unwillingly performed service, and in the second, there are few amateurs who play dance-music with sufficient correctness to render dancing after their music a pleasure.

Refreshments.

At a ball elaborate refreshments are to be expected, and are usually served all the evening from a long table loaded with silver and glass and softly but brilliantly illuminated. No one is expected to sit down at such a supper, but the guests as they come in, a few at a time, are served by waiters in attendance.

Both hot and cold dishes are to be had; and substantial food, as well as all manner of sweets, should be furnished for an amusement that begets a most unromantic hunger. Small game birds may be served cold; the larger fowl hot. Boned turkey (cold) is especially liked. Game patés, oysters, cooked or raw, all manner of truffled dishes, and a variety of salads are served, while fruits, ices, confections, cakes, and so on, ad infinitum, do fitly furnish forth the feast.

If the German is to finish the evening, a separate, hot supper should be served at its close, and the all-night supper confined more exclusively to cold dishes, with the exception of hot drinks.

In case of a very spacious mansion, the hostess may, if she prefer, keep the supper-room closed until half-past twelve, or one, when she will give the word. Her husband should lead the way to supper with some lady to be especially honored. The hostess should not go out herself until she sees that every lady has been properly escorted, save in cases where she is to accompany some very distinguished gentleman who is present. In this case she delegates her authority either to a grown son, some other relative, or to some gentleman especially appointed, who takes her place in seeing that there are no forgotten wall-flowers left to blush unseen.

No gentleman should presume to offer the hostess his escort to the supper-room, this being an honor she confers at pleasure.

A small tea-room on an upper floor is very desirable at a large gathering. Here guests, ladies especially, can, unattended, seek the refreshment of a cup of tea, coffee, cocoa, or bouillon before descending to the drawing-rooms. Gentlemen, too, may escort their wearied partners to this haven for a moment's light refection and rest after dancing. Iced lemonade should also be served here, and the room never left without an attendant.

Many who do not care for a heavy supper, are wont to resort to this room, where tiny sandwiches, maccaroons, etc., should also be in readiness.

A smoking-room is frequently provided at large entertainments where the gentlemen may retire. Cigars, effervescent waters, and lemonade are furnished here, and sometimes stronger drinks. This last, however, is a question which every hostess must settle according to her own convictions. If wines are furnished, champagne and claret punch are the usual choice, and a trusted attendant should be at hand to serve them. Those who patronize this room will, if they wish to lay any claim to the name of "gentlemen," carefully refrain from the slightest over-indulgence in these cooling, but deceptive drinks.

If there should be no smoking-room set aside, gentlemen must never smoke in their dressing-room. To do so is especially thoughtless and impolite.

Host and Hostess.

In giving a ball the hostess, upon whom the greatest strain will fall, must be sure of her own physical and mental strength. To stand for two consecutive hours in one spot and receive each comer with the same sweet courtesy is a severe strain upon both.

Daughters, young lady relatives or ladies invited to receive, are usually at hand to support her. The host, if there be one, does not stand beside his wife to receive, but is usually not far away and should assist in making the occasion an agreeable one.

Sons of the house do not seek their own pleasure at such a time, but quietly endeavor, aided by the daughters or receiving ladies, to-246- provide dancing and supper partners for all present. Sometimes two or three young men are appointed beforehand to attend to this duty.

The hostess, while richly dressed, should never show any desire by the elaborateness of her costume to outshine her guests.

Should an obtuse cabman, misled by some similarity of name or error in number (as may occur in large cities), permit a perplexed guest, perhaps a stranger, to drift across the wrong threshold, let it be a hospitable one. The hostess, though she may not be able to unravel the mystery, should be gracious and attentive.

Arrival and Departure.

The first move after leaving the dressing-rooms is for ladies to join their escorts and proceed to the drawing-rooms.

In going up or down stairs the gentleman always precedes the lady by several steps, unless they walk side by side. This rule holds good on every occasion. A lady, if she wishes the gentleman's assistance should take his right arm, thus leaving her right hand free to carry her train. Her bouquet or fan may be carried in the hand upon his arm.

Gentlemen and ladies never enter the room arm in arm, no matter what their relationship may be. A lady enters somewhat in advance of a gentleman accompanying her, but at the side of a maiden whom she chaperons. A mother precedes her daughter.

Do not offer to shake hands with the hostess as you bow, unless she makes the initiatory move, since where the number invited is large the process becomes somewhat wearisome. Many hostesses prefer to sweep a graceful courtesy as they receive their guests.

Do not remain chatting with the receiving party. A bow, and a simple exchange of kindly inquiries, is sufficient, when you should pass on immediately to leave room for others. A gentleman's next duty is to search out his host and exchange the courtesies of the evening with him. Any who may arrive late should at once search out both host and hostess to offer a belated greeting.

A stranger who has received an invitation through friends, should-247- be introduced to both host and hostess and to any daughters of the house. If a gentleman, he should be sure to invite the ladies to dance.

is quite the thing. Do not make such a stir by your going as to call attention to your departure, apparently wishing others to take notice of it.

The Escort.

The escort of a young lady owes her attention beyond all others he may meet in the ball-room. He should assist her from the carriage, accompany her to the dressing-room door, and after due time return to escort her to the reception-room. He must be her partner in the opening dance and should also put his name down for the one immediately preceding supper, since it is expected that the gentleman dancing with a lady then will take her out to supper, and there see that all her wants are anticipated. If, for any reason, he cannot do this, he must see that she is suitably attended; a gentleman taking a lady into the supper-room must also escort her back to the ball-room and leave her wherever she may desire.

If there should be any seeming neglect he must see that she is provided with partners for as many dances as she may desire; never dancing himself unless she, too, is on the floor, or, if she prefer, sitting out the dance with some pleasant companion. He may introduce other gentlemen to her, after asking her permission.

It is his privilege to send her a bouquet for the occasion, and he first asks what the lady's costume is to be, in order to harmonize the color of the flowers with the shade of the dress, since it would be most annoying to send blue violets to be worn with a sea-green gown.

It is the lady's privilege to suggest the hour of departure. After seeing her safely within her own door he should leave; even if she asks him to enter he should politely refuse, remembering, however, to call upon her within two days.-248-

Receiving Ladies.

Ladies called upon to assist in receiving are not to consider their duties ended when they have supported the hostess through the trying hours of standing to greet her guests, but are supposed (though they too often fail in this) to mingle with the company, seeing that strangers and timid or non-attractive girls are not allowed to remain wall-flowers for any length of time. Bashful men, too, must not be left without partners, and all should be provided with escorts to supper.

These things are a part of the hostess' duty, but in a large entertainment it is quite beyond her power to attend to all the claims upon her time.

The sons of the house, and sometimes a few other especially deputized young men, must sacrifice their own preferences in order to give pleasure to others. If the number of ladies exceed that of gentlemen, these aids frequently take two out to supper.

Daughters of the house, together with receiving ladies and the hostess, do not go out to supper until the last guests are supplied with partners. However, should the hostess be expected to accompany some distinguished gentleman to the table, she will delegate her duties to another.

General Rules for Observance.

Gentlemen may introduce other men to ladies of their own family or to friends, first asking their permission or the permission of their chaperons. In case of a chaperon, the introduction is made first to her and then to the young lady, and the gentleman at close of the dance returns his partner to her chaperon.

Where the gentleman is well acquainted with the lady, a short promenade is often indulged in; but if the gentleman be a stranger to her, she should not expect this, for he may have another engagement, and will return her immediately to the side of her chaperon or some lady friend she may designate. In Europe this promenading is not allowed, the young lady being at once escorted back to her chaperon after dancing.-250-

Supper being announced, a gentleman, having no other engagement, offers his arm to the lady with whom he may be talking or dancing and escorts her out, unless some previous partner arrives to claim her before his invitation is given. Once given, a lady is not free (unusual circumstances excepted) to decline it, even though she may have expected another to offer her the same attention. If she be accompanied by a chaperon, the elder lady is invited at the same time, and it is to her that his arm is offered, the younger lady walking by her side. For two ladies to each take an arm is not good form.

A gentleman requesting a lady for a certain dance, should never ask if she is engaged for it. He may request the pleasure or honor of her company for the next dance, and he will learn from her answer whether she be free, without compelling her to acknowledge at the last moment that she has been hitherto unsought.

Formality of Introductions.

The request for a dance should be accompanied by a bow on the part of the gentlemen. At its close he should thank her for the pleasure, and she should return this courtesy with a smile and bow, and a murmured "Thank you."

An introduction to a lady in the ball-room presupposes that the gentleman will dance with her or walk with her through one dance.

In England, where introductions are rarely given to those invited to an entertainment, a gentleman may ask any lady for a dance. She will probably accept, but he must not take this as the prelude to an after acquaintance. In America, however, it is necessary to ask some mutual friend to first request the favor of the lady, and then, if granted, give the introduction.

However, in case of any little accident, or sudden faintness, gentlemen should be quick to assist, bringing an iced drink, aiding to the dressing-room, or calling a carriage, as the case may be, without the formality of an introduction. A gentleman may also ask an older lady who seems left unattended at supper-time, if he may bring her some refreshments, and this without an introduction.-251-

It is very bad form for gentlemen to stand about the ball-room, especially if there be a scarcity of dancing men present. Even if there is no one in the room for whom they particularly care, they should be unselfish enough to remember that dancing is almost the only active form of amusement in which the majority of ladies may participate.

A young man should ask the young ladies, daughters or relatives of the hostess, for their company in the dance early in the evening. A married gentleman should be general in his attentions in the ball-room. He should not dance more than once or twice with his wife, nor should he take her out to supper; but he must keep a quiet outlook over her comfort, and see that she is no wise lonely or neglected.

Attentions Paid to Ladies.

Neither should he confine his attentions in a marked manner to any one lady. It is ill-breeding to excite the comment sure to follow such a course. It is also bad form for any gentleman to confine his attentions to any one lady, or, as a rule, to ask her for more than two dances. Even engaged couples are not exempt from this law.

Gentlemen may put down their name on a lady's program for certain dances, and the engagement should never be forgotten. If, however, this lapse should occur, the humblest apology should follow, which the young lady, no matter how annoyed, should gracefully accept. Ill-humor is out of place in the ball-room.

If a lady from weariness, or any other cause, should wish to stop at any time in the dance, the gentleman must, without any comment, at once lead her to a seat, and remain with her until the set is finished, notwithstanding that she may, from a spirit of kindness, request him to seek another partner. Should she show symptoms of weariness, and be either too timid or too thoughtful for his enjoyment to ask him to take her from the floor, he should be quick to see, and to suggest that she rest for a moment.

Gloves form an important adjunct to a gentleman's toilet for a dancing party. Light colored gloves are always good form. Gentlemen are expected to wear gloves while dancing, since their ungloved-252- hands would not only soil the delicate tints of the lady's gloves, but the slightest pressure of a warm, uncovered hand is liable to discolor the frail gauzes, or pale silks of their ball-room toilet.

It is not amiss to be provided with an extra pair of gloves which will be very useful should the first pair come to grief. Upon the same principle, two fresh handkerchiefs should be carried.

If dancing is not formally announced in the invitation, gentlemen will do well to provide themselves with gloves to be donned if that amusement is introduced in the course of the evening. Notwithstanding the royal indolence or whim of the Prince of Wales led him some time back to discard the use of gloves at evening parties, an example which many ultra-fashionables have followed, it still remains that gloves are both proper and necessary. If a gentleman attempts to dance without them he must hold his handkerchief in his hand in such a manner as to prevent its contact with the bodice of the lady's gown.

Loud talking and boisterous laughter are not to be tolerated. Scrupulously avoid stepping upon the train of a lady's gown. Apologize if it accidentally occurs, and if serious damage ensue from the awkwardness, beg the privilege of taking her to the dressing-room to have the damage repaired.

For Ladies.

Young ladies must never refuse to dance with one gentleman, and afterward give the same dance to a more favored suitor. Nothing so quickly speaks of ill-breeding as this course. Ball-room engagements should not be forgotten. Young ladies should never be so unwise as to appear on the floor at every dance.

Daughters of the hostess should not repeatedly appear upon the floor while other lady guests are neglected. Not their own pleasure, but the pleasure of the company should be their first care.

Ladies should not cross the ball-room alone. It invites attention. Ladies must not burden gentlemen (unless husband or near relative) with bouquet or fan to hold while they dance. Young ladies should not refuse a ball-room introduction to a gentleman without a sufficient reason, since to do so is always an embarrassment to the one asking it.-253- Still a lady has the privilege of refusal and may not be pressed for a reason. Young chaperons should never dance while their protégés are unprovided with partners.

A lady removes at least one glove while partaking of supper. But when a cup of tea, or an ice, only is taken this is not necessary.

DANCING.

Pope says: "They move easiest who have learned to dance," and while the opinions of society are greatly divided on the subject of this amusement, it cannot be denied that there is much truth in the assurance that Locke gives us in his treatise on "Education:"

"Since nothing appears to me to give children so much becoming confidence and behavior as dancing, I think they should be taught to dance as soon as they are capable of learning it. For though this consists only in outward gracefulness of motion, ... yet it gives children manly thoughts and courage more than anything."

For the many, however, to whom these early advantages have not been given, while the dowry of a quick ear and natural grace has enabled them to "pick up" this social accomplishment, a few hints may be of use.

Dancing is really an art, and one that the gentleman especially should understand (since he takes the lead) before he ventures to ask a lady out upon the floor.

The gentleman should be very careful in the manner of holding his partner. He should give her proper support by putting his arm firmly around her, but not drawing her too close. Her right hand should be held in his left, the lady turning the right palm downward and almost straightening her right arm. The gentleman should bend his left arm slightly backward. The joined hands should be held steadily but kept away from the gentleman's body. To rest them upon his hip, is actual vulgarity. The gentleman's right shoulder and the lady's left, should be kept as far apart as the other shoulders, hence his right elbow must not be too much bent. The upper part of the body should be kept quiet, and the head held naturally, not-254- turned one side, while the eyes are neither thrown up nor cast down in an affected style. Their steps should be in harmony and the gentleman must be very careful not to permit a collision with other couples.

At every slightest pause in the dance the gentleman should instantly drop his arm from the lady's waist. In these intervals it is proper to fan her if she desire it, and to enter into chatty conversation.

Gentlemen avoid all boisterous conduct in the dance, such as swinging a partner too rapidly, or lifting her too much from the floor. She, on her part, should dance lightly, never permitting her partner to carry her around, but performing her share well, or not dance at all.

The Most Desirable Dances.

In making up a dancing program, quadrilles should always find a place, since many can walk through its measures that will not undertake the more active dances. It also gives opportunity for the graceful curtsy which no lady should fail to learn, and can be enlivened with conversation.

To the alluring round dances, polka, schottische, waltz, etc., there are many who strongly object, but, danced in private homes and in most cases under the eye of the young girl's mother, there can be found nothing dangerously objectionable in this favorite amusement. The minuet is a stately, beautiful old dance that is sometimes introduced, enabling both old and young to join in its slow and gracious measure.

New steps, new changes and new dances, with the technical features of which it is not the province of this book to deal, are continually coming into vogue with each season. A few words, however, with regard to the general etiquette of that justly popular dance, the German, will be in place here. The German, called the "Cotillion" in France and in Germany, where it originated, is the most fascinating dance in social use. Balls at which it is to appear, signifying that fact in the invitations sent out are more elaborate in their arrangements, and are held to a later hour, since the earlier portion of the-255- night is devoted to waltzing and other dances, and the German is not commenced until after supper.

Many leave before it begins, especially those who expect to make the tour of several balls and receptions during the night. A second and hot supper is usually served at its close, to those who participate in its measures. Be certain when the German is to be introduced that a sufficient number of men are invited to make the affair a success.

The leader of the cotillion is chosen by the hostess, and should be thoroughly familiar with all its figures, new and old; skilled to command, and prompt to bring order out of confusion; at the same time energetic and good tempered. As there will always be some in a German who do not understand it, the leader must be ready to help them out. Such parties should take their places near the end, and, in this way, will become familiar with a figure before it is their turn to dance.

No Favorites to be Allowed.

The leader will also see that gentlemen do not neglect some ladies for the pleasure of dancing frequently with more favored partners. In this he should be assisted by the hostess, and gentlemen should never disregard her quiet suggestion on this score. After all, "the ball-room is a more fitting field for a display of the Christian graces than most Evangelical people are willing to admit."

All those dancing the German must consider themselves as introduced, and each lady or gentleman is free to call "up" any participant for his or her partner. In fact it is desirable that they should do so, since by devoting themselves entirely to their acquaintance there is danger of some being debarred from the amusement. For these reasons the German is unsuited for a public ball, and fitted only for a private house where the invitation is expected to certify the character of the guest.

Varied and beautiful are the figures that may be adopted, but the scope of this book will not permit full instructions for its elaborate changes. One suggestion, however, is in point; do not choose those-256- "romping" figures where the fun is liable to become too fast and furious for ball-room decorum. The figures requiring "properties," such as ribbons, flags, Japanese lanterns, aprons, mirrors, etc., should have all the necessary articles carefully provided beforehand.

During most of the figures, "favors" are distributed; flowers, amusing trinkets, or sometimes pretty little souvenirs are given. Rosettes, scarf pins, bangles, tiny flags, artificial butterflies, bon-bons in embroidered satin bags, badges, painted silk sachets, etc., are all appropriate. Tiny lanterns filled with perfume, and sometimes amusing toys will add to the fun of the occasion. It is better taste to give simple articles than to resort to the gifts of great value that some hostesses have bestowed, since such giving always suggests ostentation. Flowers alone are sometimes used and it is not necessary to make the favors a source of undue expense.

Regrets must be sent one's hostess if unable to attend a German, that the place may be filled. If a gentleman invites a lady especially as his partner for a German, he should send her a bouquet and if some unforeseen occurrence should prevent his attendance, he must at once send her an explanatory regret to that effect.

Private Balls Given in Public.

Many hostesses, feeling the inadequacy of their parlors to accommodate all the guests that they wish to invite at one time, without disagreeable overcrowding, have adopted the custom of giving their large entertainments at public assembly rooms. This custom, while it frees the hostess from much care, must also be deplored as depriving the gathering of that home atmosphere which is ever a safeguard.

The etiquette is the same as that of a private ball, and after calls are demanded within the same length of time. The decorations and arrangements resemble closely as possible those of a private house.

Public Balls.

Much of the etiquette given for Private Balls governs the conduct of those attending public entertainments of the same nature. Intro-258-ductions, however, must be sought before any attentions are offered a lady, and there is much more care exercised in granting them than under a private roof. Gentlemen, too, use their own pleasure in the choice of partners, not having the courtesy of their hostess to regard in this respect.

Of course, Military, Charity and Civic Balls are under the charge of trustees and committees, who not only take charge of the convenience of the guests, but endeavor by all means within their power to regulate the social standing of those obtaining entrée to the assembly. In many of the large cities a board of lady patronesses add prestige and a certain home protection to the successful carrying out of a public ball of the highest order. It seems to supply the protection of a hostess to the fête.

A young girl, even if the omission be excused at a private ball, does not attend a public affair of this nature without a chaperon. Late hours are more especially objectionable at public balls than at a private house. One, or half-past, should find the adieux made.

A young lady, in refusing to dance with a gentleman, is not obliged to sit the dance out as she would be at the house of a mutual friend. She may, however, if she wish, do it in deference to his feelings.

MASQUERADES.

A few words with regard to masquerades will not be out of place here, with the one proviso added that they refer exclusively to private entertainments. Public gatherings of this nature should be shunned as questionable amusements, excepting, of course, any case where, from want of room, a lady may choose to give the entertainment in some public assembly-room instead of her own parlors. This course lends the protection of home to the charm of its veiled mysteries.

A masquerade is an entertainment giving much trouble to both hostess and guests. Elaborate decorations are necessary in the ball-room. Invitations for it should be issued from three weeks to a month in advance, in order to give the guest time to choose and prepare the costume to be worn.-259-

Some hostesses give their invitations for a fancy dress party only, omitting the feature of masks. In this they may act their own pleasure. In event of permitting masks they must be laid aside at supper hour.

Occasionally the hostess arranges a costume scheme for the entire fête beforehand, signifying to each guest the character, historical or imaginary, that it is her pleasure he shall, for the time being, personify. In this way the perfection and beauty of the ball-room are assured-260- beforehand, and repetitions of time-worn characters prevented from appearing upon the floor.

Choice of Costumes.

Again, the hostess may content herself by selecting the costumes that she wishes a few particular friends to don, sufficient in number to form one or more quadrilles to open the ball. Each set must be carefully arranged as for instance, a court party, costumed after the time of Louis XIV. A group of Watteau Shepherds and shepherdesses, or a hunting party garbed after any chosen period, etc.

The remainder of the guests may be permitted to use their own taste in the selection of costumes. A full dress rehearsal of these especially arranged quadrilles should be held beforehand to ascertain the most satisfactory method of grouping the characters in each set.

Invitations to an entertainment of this nature are issued like those for ordinary balls, adding "Bal-masque" or "Fancy Dress Ball," down in the left hand corner. When the entertainment is to be very elaborate these words are given an entire line, extending through the center of the invitation. Occasionally the words, "Ordinary ball dress permitted," find a place upon the card, to the relief of those who prefer to appear in their own proper character.

The host and hostess in fancy dress, assisted by daughters or friends, all costumed, receive as in other balls, and the etiquette is in all ways similar. Some ladies, and gentlemen also, wear mask and domino over the regulation party dress, removing this when the others unmask.

Guests, as far as in them lies, should seek for originality in their costumes. Historical and mythological characters, personification of the powers and attributes of nature—as ice, snow, stars, planets, etc.—are always suitable. Standard works of fiction whose characters are familiar to all, as well as Mother Goose and Kate Greenaway, are always fruitful sources for characters. Accurateness should be sought after in carrying the costumes out.

IN France almost any social gathering that occurs in the evening is called a soirée. Here in this country the term soirée is applied to an evening entertainment that partakes of the nature of an evening party, but is not quite so elaborate and means earlier hours both of arrival and departure.

Soirées, as a rule, offer some particular form of amusement, such as music, dancing, a reading; an interchange of bright ideas, such as a conversazione. It means also pretty evening dress, not elaborate, ball costume, and a supper. It attracts gentlemen, who appreciate the easy-going, early-houred soirée. That is, gentlemen who do not particularly care for the ball-room, and it is here we are sure to find wits and the aristocracy of intellect. In short, the very best elements of society are found in the elegant unpretentious soirée, where the intelligent woman of fashion has the tact to welcome and make at home the artist, the author, the professional man, and the man of business. The soirée has still another advantage: a lady can give one in a small house and with very little expenditure, and if she has the gift of entertaining, her gathering will always be sought after.

Suitable Dress.

Women, as before mentioned, wear pretty evening dress (not ball costume), and remove their bonnets, and in this way differing from matinées and from morning receptions, at both of which entertain-262-ments bonnets are worn. Men wear morning dress. (See Department of Dress.)

Receiving Guests.

For small evening parties, the host and hostess during the early part of the evening remain near the door to receive guests. Later they must mingle with the company to assist in entertaining. A late arrival, however, should be noted, though it is their place to search out their hostess and offer the greetings of the evening.

As guests enter the room the hostess should advance a step to meet them. Her words of greeting should be first addressed to the elder ladies of an incoming group, then the young ladies, lastly the gentlemen. The hostess should be perfectly at her ease, having apparently no thought beyond the reception rooms.

The Entertainment.

Where the entertainment is mixed, a little music is appropriate, a little dancing and a little card-playing. It is well to engage some one to play for the dancing, since guests usually do not care to preside at the instrument. A violin is a great addition.

If, however, the dancing is an afterthought, any gentleman who is a good pianist may offer his services to relieve any lady at the instrument.

The hostess should see that conversation does not lag. She must not interrupt an entertaining tête-à-tête, unless it last too long; but, if conversation languish between a couple thrown together, she should bring in a third person, or draw away one, while substituting another.

Invitations.

If invitations are issued a week or ten days in advance, the hostess has a right to expect that her guests should arrive on time, and carefully attired.

The form of the invitation is similar to an "At Home," as: Mrs. Emmons van Zant, At Home, Thursday, June sixteenth, at eight o'clock. 2040 Westmoreland Street.-263-

Duty of Guests.

The hostess may ask her guests to sing or play; but, if they refuse, it is bad taste to urge them. The hostess, if she plays or sings, may favor the guests with a single selection after others have been heard. It is well for amateurs to master a few pieces that they can render without the notes. This relieves one of that time-worn excuse—"I haven't my notes." This is also the case with those who sing. By ceasing to urge performers, the company will be freed from much of that repeated, coy refusal that only needs sufficient coaxing to comply.

When a lady is asked to play or sing, the gentleman nearest her should at once escort her to the piano, remaining near her while she plays, and turning the music, if he be competent. He will also take charge of her fan, bouquet and gloves, and when the music is finished, he will again offer his arm for her return to her seat. At the same time he will thank her for the pleasure she has given himself and the company. Other guests, together with the hostess, should also express their gratification. Never comment on the quality of the instrument. Never offer to turn the sheets of instrumental music unless familiar with the notes.

When any one is playing or singing, let the company preserve silence, and if they should converse, let it be in the lowest tones. To interrupt a performer is the worst possible taste. Instrumental performers have as much right to expect the courtesy of silence as vocalists. The hostess has the privilege of indicating, to a noisy group, by a gesture, her desire for silence. Those who will talk should at least withdraw from the immediate vicinity of the instrument. If asked to play an accompaniment, do so, not to display your own accomplishments, but so as to afford the best possible support for the singer.

MUSICALES.

A musicale, or a musical reception, is a difficult entertainment. A program must be arranged, and sufficient amateur performers secured to make a success of the affair. Herein comes the difficulty, amateurs,-264- after a very unwilling consent has been wrung from them and their name and selection placed upon the program, are so little to be depended upon. Would that there could be found some way of oiling the machinery at a musical entertainment and of soothing the ruffled feelings of a hostess when those most depended upon to render assistance withdraw at the last moment for some vague reason. When one firmly refuses at the first to appear upon the program, no offence can be taken, but to withdraw for any but the most urgent reason is an actual breach of etiquette.

For this reason, those hostesses whose purses are of sufficient length, are driven to employ professional assistance upon these occasions. Another objection to amateur performers is the semi-professional jealousy existing between them as to precedence on the program.

Performers should arrive punctually, and while the order of the program should be followed as far as possible, no one should be offended at being asked, when it is necessary to play or sing out of the order agreed upon.

Arranging the Program.

If the musicale is to be entirely professional, much trouble will be saved by seeking some prominent musician, and with him arrange the program, and letting him act for the hostess in the matter.

A professional artist should not be kept beyond the time agreed for, neither should he be urged to render selections entirely different, or largely in excess of those arranged for. The hostess should express her pleasure, and may request some little favor. Applause is allowable, but it must be within limits.

A courteous reception must be accorded to all performers by those who desire their talents. The hostess should see that the piano is carefully tuned and not keyed too high.

It is customary to commence with a piece of instrumental music, followed by solos, duets, quartets, etc., with instrumental music between.

A successful musicale can be held with the piano alone for music,-265- an accompanist, and a tenor and soprano of note, but very often a violin is added, and sometimes a mandolin orchestra and four or more singers vary the program. Professional singers and musicians usually leave when their numbers are over, in order to protect their throats from night air and the strain of conversing.

Guests should arrive early so that the confusion of entrance and taking seats will be over before the music begins. If late, they should wait until the number then in progress is finished before taking their places. The singular impression, so common everywhere, that at all society gatherings it is much more genteel to appear late upon the scene than at the time appointed, has less reason to justify it when a musicale is the entertainment than at any other entertainment or society event, except a dinner. Music, interrupted by noise, is a failure. The cards of invitation are after this fashion:

Mrs. Chandos Miller,
At Home,
Thursday, June fifth, at eight o'clock.
25 Westmoreland Street.
Music.

The programs are usually written instead of printed, and are sometimes hand-painted and ribbon-bedecked, and again they are engraved on dainty cards. They are frequently enclosed with the invitations.-266-

Mrs. Chandos Miller,
At Home,
Thursday, June fifth, at eight o'clock.
25 Westmoreland Street.
Music.
Dancing at eleven.

If the musicale is for afternoon, it partakes of the nature of the matinée. Bonnets are to be worn. Refreshments are not necessarily served. The afternoon is often selected when noted stars are to sing, since their time is taken up in the evening. The evening musicale, however, is a more brilliant affair.

Replies are to be sent to these invitations, since for any entertainment when all are to be seated, it is a convenience to know the number of the guests.

The drawing-room is cleared of the greater part of its furniture, and, if dancing is to follow, the carpet is covered with canvas, or removed, if there is a hard wood floor. Camp chairs are provided for the guests.

Arrangement of Performers and Guests.

The seating arrangements should present a clear space for the performers. Too close proximity is not conducive to tranquility on the part of the singer, and also spoils the tone effect. Professional-267- singers insist upon sufficient space. Remove all ornaments of breakable china and bric-à-brac from the vicinity of the piano, which should be bare of cover, and admit of the lid being easily raised and lowered. A bowl of cracked ice, some tumblers, and a pretty jug of water should be placed upon a table near the piano. Good ventilation should be ensured. A reading or recitation can be introduced into a musical program with good effect, and a long program should be divided by a recess for conversation, and to permit those to retire who do not wish to remain to the end.

If dancing follows, the camp chairs are removed, or placed where they can be used. Supper is also served before the dancing. Cigars, matches and ash trays are usually found in the library by the gentlemen, or the cigars are placed in the cloak room to be smoked on the journey home. Either plan, or their omission altogether, is eminently proper.

A day musicale calls for morning dress for men, and a visiting or walking toilet for women. An evening affair, with dancing, calls for evening dress for both.

LAWN PARTIES.

"A green lawn, a few trees, a fine day, and something to eat are really all the absolute requirements of a garden party." If true, this places the pleasant mode of entertaining our friends in the power of many people of moderate means. In remote country localities these parties are very delightful, particularly if city friends are guests for the Summer.

When properly conducted, a garden party may be given with very little trouble, and made very simple and informal, but if desired may be made elaborate and ceremonious.

When only neighbors are to be entertained, a hasty invitation, so as to be sure of fine weather, may be sent two or three days in advance, but when guests are expected from any distance it is customary to send invitations eight or ten days in advance, as suitable preparations must be made.-268-

These invitations are usually engraved on handsome, plain note paper, and may be in this form:

M^r and M^rs Charles Leigh
Request the pleasure of
M^rs Morton's
Company on Thursday, the fifth of August,
At three o'clock.
Garden Party.
Maple Grove.

When guests are to come by rail it is well to send a card stating the hours at which trains arrive and leave the station. Then if carriages are to meet the train, on a card enclosed might be printed: Carriages will meet the 3.30 train from Union Depot.

A lady, also, may invite her friends to a garden party by sending her visiting card with "Tennis" or "Garden Party" written in the lower left hand corner, and day and hour in the lower right hand corner, or under her name. It is well sometimes to specify the time of closing.

At a garden party the hostess receives her guests on the lawn, or in the garden, wearing her hat and gloves. But guests should always be invited to the house to take off their wraps, or arrange their toilet if desired. Of course, a maid servant should be in the dressing-room to attend their wants.

The thoughtful hostess will take care to have everything in readi-269-ness for the comfort and entertainment of the company. Rugs should be laid on the grass for the accommodation of those not accustomed to standing on the ground, and easy chairs provided for delicate or aged ladies who may be present, so all may enjoy the party without fear of the consequence.

Amusements to be Provided.

Much tact is required to properly entertain guests at a garden party, and prevent them from wandering aimlessly about the grounds. Ample amusements must, therefore, be provided.

The lawn tennis ground must be in perfect order, croquet sets in readiness, archery tools supplied, as well as arrangements for all kinds of suitable games made. Music is a very delightful addition to the pleasure of such an occasion, and should always be had, when practicable.

Ladies wear hats or bonnets at a garden party, and should dress otherwise appropriately. If a plain, informal affair, the dress should be simple and becoming, and if games like lawn tennis or archery are among the amusements, light flannel dresses are suitable. But if invited to a ceremonious lawn party, where style will prevail, handsome though simple toilets are required. Picturesque costumes may be made very effective on the grass and under the trees, and ladies of taste have a fine field for displaying it upon such occasions.

Many very fashionable people conduct the garden party in the style of an afternoon tea, receiving and entertaining their guests in the open air until ready to serve refreshments, when all are invited to the dining-room to partake of them. This mode is very convenient and quite pleasant, though it divests the occasion of much of the novelty and charm belonging to it.

When the refreshments are to be served in the garden or lawn, of course the dishes must all be cold, and may consist of salads, patés, pressed meats, Charlottes, jellies, ices, cakes, lemonade and iced tea. A cup of hot tea should always be in readiness in the kitchen for those ladies desiring it.-270-

Servants should be well trained when in attendance to prevent confusion. Dishes, knives, forks and spoons should be removed when used, and put in baskets or trays in readiness for them, and a fresh supply brought to replace them.

Tables and Refreshments.

Numbers of small tables, with pretty, fancy covers, and colored napkins, should be set around under trees, near fountains and other suitable places, with camp-stools for the accommodation of guests when partaking of refreshments.

Servants should to be very careful in going from place to place with dishes to be served never to spill or drop the contents on ladies' dresses.

Gentlemen may help the ladies, if they prefer, and wait on themselves, requiring the servants only to remove the dishes and replenish the pitchers with lemonade, milk or water.

Fruits, pineapples, strawberries, raspberries, peaches and grapes are served at garden parties, and should be of the finest quality.

Ices are a very acceptable addition to an outdoor entertainment, being light and refreshing for warm weather; they are served in fancy paper cups, laid on ice plates.

For ladies desiring to give garden parties, the following bill of fare will be found sufficient:

Cold Rolls. Mixed Sandwiches. Brown Bread. Pickled Tongue.
Paté de foie gras. Jellied Chicken. Cold Birds.
Lobster Salad. Charlotte Russe. Biscuit. Glacés. Fancy Cakes.
Fruits. Lemonade. Iced Tea. Strawberry Acid.

	PAGE
Title-Page	i
Preface	iii
Contents	v
The Essence of Etiquette	17
Introductions and Salutations	23
Art of Conversation	37
Visiting Cards	51
Visiting Customs	69
Invitations, Formal and Informal	83
Acceptances and Regrets	107
Etiquette of Courtship and Marriage	116
Weddings and Wedding Anniversaries	143
Home Etiquette	165
Etiquette for Children	180
Dinner Giving	189
Table Etiquette	211
Evening Parties, Receptions and Suppers	227
Balls, Dancing and Masquerades	241
Soirées, Musicales and Lawn Parties	261
Breakfasts, Luncheons and Teas	274-vi-
Miscellaneous Entertainments	296
Christenings, Confirmations and Graduations	315
Etiquette of Funerals and Mourning	323
Etiquette of Public Places	328
Walking, Riding, Boating, Driving	334
Bicycle Etiquette	343
Club Etiquette	352
Society	358
General Etiquette	364
Washington Etiquette	374
Delsartean Discipline	378
Art of Dress	388
Colors and Complexions	398
Dress for Special Occasions	408
Letter Writing	429
Forms for Letters	452
Artistic Home Decorations	467
How to be Beautiful	492

French Phrases.	Abbreviations.	Translations.
Bal masque		A masquerade ball.
Chaperon		An older woman attending a girl in society.
Costume de rigueur		Costume to be full dress.
Début		First appearance.
Débutante		A young girl making her first social appearance.
En ville	E.V.	In town or city.
Fête Champêtre		A rural or outdoor entertainment.-59-
Matinée		A morning or daylight entertainment.
Matinée musicale		A daylight musical entertainment.
Musicale		Musical entertainment.
Pour dire adieu	P.D.A.	To say farewell.
Pour prendre congé	P.P.C.	To take leave.
Protégé		One under protection.
Repondez s'il vous plait	R.S.V.P.	Reply if you please.
Soirée		An evening party.
Soirée dansante		A dancing party.
Soirée musicale		A musical entertainment.

First Anniversary	Paper Wedding.
Second Anniversary	Cotton Wedding.
Third Anniversary	Leather Wedding.
Fifth Anniversary	Wooden Wedding.
Seventh Anniversary	Woolen Wedding.
Tenth Anniversary	Tin Wedding.
Twelfth Anniversary	Silk and Linen Wedding.
Fifteenth Anniversary	Crystal Wedding.
Twentieth Anniversary	China (sometimes Floral) Wedding.
Twenty-Fifth Anniversary	Silver Wedding.
Thirtieth Anniversary	Pearl Wedding.
Thirty-Fifth Anniversary	Coral Wedding.
Fortieth Anniversary	Ruby Wedding.
Forty-Fifth Anniversary	Bronze Wedding.
Fiftieth Anniversary	Golden Wedding.
Sixty-Fifth Anniversary	Crown-Diamond Wedding.
Seventy-Fifth Anniversary	Diamond Wedding.

Menu	Bill of fare.
Café et noir	Black coffee.
Café au lait	Coffee with milk.

Potage	Soup,
Hors d'œuvres	Dainty dishes,
Poisson	Fish,
Entremets	Vegetables,
Roti	Roast,
Entrées	Dishes after roast,
Gibier	Game,
Salades	Salads,
Fruits et dessert	Fruits and dessert,
Fromage	Cheese,
Café	Coffee.

Social Life

OR The Manners and Customs of Polite Society

CONTAINING THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS AND FORMING A COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-CULTURE IN CONVERSATION, DRESS, DEPORTMENT, CORRESPONDENCE, THE CARE OF CHILDREN AND THE HOME.

BY MAUD C. COOKE, The Well-known and Popular Author.

EMBELLISHED WITH COLORED PHOTOTYPES.

PREFACE.

CONTENTS.

The Essence of Etiquette.

The Influence of Good Manners.

The Marks of True Politeness.

The Great Value of Courtesy.

Rules of Etiquette.

An English Custom.

You May Introduce Yourself.

A Custom Out of Date.

Forms of Introduction.

What Should Follow the Introduction.

A Lady’s Wishes Should be Respected.

SALUTATIONS.

Removing the Hat.

The Privilege of Recognition.

Returning Salutations.

Shaking Hands.

Words of Salutation.

The Good Listener.

Suitable Topics.

Misuse of Quotations.

“Small Talk.”

A Valuable Source of Knowledge.

Cultivate Your Mind.

“Drawing Out Others.”

The Passion for Argument.

Wit and Humor.

Evil Speaking.

“Telling Stories.”

Absent-Mindedness.

Profuse Compliments.

Contradictions and Interjections.

Voice and Manner.

Conversational Sins.

Use of the Lips and Facial Expressions.

Control Your Temper.

Misuse of Initials.

Visiting Cards.

Style of the Card.

Size of the Card.

Engraving the Name.

Address on Cards.

Cards for Gentlemen.

Cards for Receptions.

Foreign Phrases.

P.P.C. Cards.

Turning Down the Corners.

How to Leave Cards.

Number of Cards to be Left.

Calls upon Young Ladies.

How to Send Cards.

When to Leave Cards.

Entertainments and Calls.

Other Hints.

Various Cards.

Acknowledgment of Inquiry Cards.

Length of Visits.

The Art of Leaving.

When Ready to Leave, Go at Once.

First Calls.

Substitute for First Call.

Morning and Evening Visits.

Sunday Visits.

Reception Days.

“Not at Home,” “Engaged.”

Visiting List.

Visits Between Ladies and Gentlemen.

“Out of Society.”

Conduct of the Hostess.

Entertaining Callers.

Conduct of the Guests.

Deference to Ladies.

What Not to Do.

The Reception-Room.

OR

The Manners and Customs of
Polite Society

CONTAINING

THE RULES OF ETIQUETTE FOR ALL OCCASIONS AND
FORMING A COMPLETE GUIDE TO SELF-CULTURE
IN CONVERSATION, DRESS, DEPORTMENT,
CORRESPONDENCE, THE CARE OF
CHILDREN AND THE HOME.

BY

MAUD C. COOKE,
The Well-known and Popular Author.